So, It has been about 5-6 months since I decided I had enough; about 4 when I actually told her I was done and we agreed to amicably call it quits!
The Situation / Divorce:
We mutually agreed on: - CS and a reasonable amount of maintenance (alimony) for a set period of time. - I agreed to give her the house in exchange for taking a major part of the bills that I knew I could manage. - She in turn IS NOT seeking any of my military retirement (Thank God!) - We keep our own 401(k) - CS ends when D11 is 18 - Alimony is for 10 years - Custody is 50/50 joint, with X as primary custodian. I get her almost exact amount X does and every holiday / weekend is split about as equal as it can get!
We filed ourselves; no lawyers. Did it through LegalZoom! Probably the easiest process I have seen; only issue is we have had to send the papers in a couple times for minor corrections, but everything is in there as we wanted it. This has taken it longer to file and finalize, but we saved a ton of money, didn't have a drawn out court battle, and we are both content with what we agreed on!
In the end, no ones lifestyle changed financially with the exception I live in an apartment; but that is ok and has its benefits too!
Of course, we all have to adjust to the new living conditions; my main concern was for D11. Well, she seems to be taking it ok. I encourage her to talk and express whatever is on her mind. She stated she hates that we had to split up, but likes it that we don't argue anymore; she gets to have two homes & two bedrooms, and she gets me all to herself when she is with me!
How am I doing.....
I am doing great actually! Once the cat was out of the bag and we agreed to separate, it was like this huge weight was lifted off both of us; the white elephant finally left the damn room! At that point, I moved to the spare bedroom and ceased the last remainder of what could be viewed as a marriage (intimacy stopped a couple months prior). It wasn't until I moved out that I started coming in to my own. There was a weird adjustment period for about 2 weeks; kind of felt weird and couldn't sleep, but it passed!
My apartment is fully furnished now from things I brought over and eventually purchased! It was nice to finally, for the first time ever, get to decorate my place MY way!!! I am into industrial & steam punk....and this is how I did it. I think it looks great and have gotten compliments from men and women alike! This is truly MY place!
My finances are in order! Being a military member that deploys a lot, it is not uncommon for the spouse to handle the bills. This is the way it was for most of our marriage; it kind of has to be this way since it is a pain to pay bills from the desert! Well, I have them now and I am finding that not only can I manage my money, I am finding that I have a little more expendable income available than I originally thought! This allows me to live fairly comfortable and have enough to do things with D11 that I was unable to do before and occasionally do something for myself! Looking to get some bills paid off in the future which will make things a lot easier!
I am experiencing a new relationship! I got lucky...extremely lucky....and a very nice lady came into my life! I know I am still healing and working on me, but taking things slow and letting them progress naturally, but she is definitely going to be long term for sure! Very very high compatibility.....hobbies & goals in life are so similar its uncanny. Sometimes I am almost suspicious so staying alert for red flags, but for the most part, very kind and caring lady who went through her own WAS/MLC experience with her first husband so she can completely relate what I have gone through! We discuss these things very openly and no subject is taboo...something I never experienced with my X or anyone else for that matter! Waiting to see where it takes us!
Lastly, I have become "Red Pill" aware. I know a few of you will know what that means and it usually has negative opinions. I don't see it that way though if you plow through the BS and look at the underlying theory behind it. I think the two species (male & female) have certain traits ingrained biologically, mentally & emotionally. It is only when you become aware of these, and start grasping a true understanding of the opposite sex, can you then relate better to your partner and expect certain things and deal with them appropriately and in a healthy manner. However, you have to be self aware and you have to have a partner that is also aware and can relate and see these things with you! Fortunately for me, as far as I can tell, my new relationship has these elements and we are continuing to take things step by step and learn more about each other in the process!
The X/WAW/MLCer:
What can I say? Well, she thought she needed something new; a change of scenery; trying new relationships (aka dating); being free of her commitments (aka ME); running around with her friends and having "fun" (aka getting drunk with the girls and staying out all night)! She now has all those things.....but she isn't happy; not that I can tell!
Within 2 weeks of me moving out, she went out on a girls night! Got drunk, got in a fight with her "GFF" who promptly left her downtown, hooked up with a 25 y/o man (X is 42), and commenced to having an ONS! She woke up hung over, vague memory/images of the night before, naked man barely older than her son beside her, and condom wrappers on the night stand! She had to call OM#1 to come pick her up, get her cleaned up, and go buy an "evening after" pill! He scolded her and told her she wasn't the same person he knew and she needed to get her life straight and cut out the booze! To my knowledge, he has pretty much cut contact with her! All this while she was suppose to be in a new relationship with another guy!
The new guy is 33 years old, divorced with a young son. She complains he doesn't "pursue" her enough but still grabs at any chance to go out with him!
She complained to her BFF's that I already have a stable girlfriend, but she can't even get a date! I am told she is jealous of me!
She complains to me that I "don't talk to her anymore"! That's not true; I respond to her texts and calls. I am just not pursuing her anymore: don't care about her personal life; I am no longer her anchor/safe spot/plan B! I am not her husband anymore; it's not my job to mow HER yard, take out HER trash, replace HER light bulbs, or any of that other "husbandly" crap when I go pick up or see D11! I simply tell her this and tell her to get her boyfriend to help!
Complained that she can't believe I "replaced" her so easily! Really? Hard to believe coming from someone who had two EA's while she was allegedly working on things. Stated it made her cry when she saw pictures of me and my GF together; in particular one where we were kissing (she should stay off my FB page I guess). Was I suppose to wait forever? Didn't she tell me more than once "You should find someone who can love you back"? I simply answer her "Sorry you feel that way, but........" you guys know the drill! Reality kind of [censored] I guess!
Tried to hug & kiss me twice since I moved out; I stopped her as soon as I saw the kiss coming and was like "whoa...what are you doing?" She exclaimed "sorry, must be habit I guess"; but she couldn't look me in the eye!
She tries to engage me texts & calls lately; contacts me for menial stuff out of nowhere. I respond cordially but to the point and leave it alone! Noticed that when I get ready to leave after I have visited or dropped off D11, she will follow me to the door or out of the house. Almost seems like she is wanting / expecting me to hug her goodbye or something. I just keep talking / moving until I get to my car and then say "ok take care" and get out of there as quick as I can!
Lastly, I just don;t feel comfortable around her or the house anymore! Makes my skin crawl; feels so foreign and alien to me! Not sure why this is; can;t put my finger on it! I do occasionally go over to watch D11 for her if she asks which isn't so bad because she is not there! But as soon as she gets home, it's like I can't get out of there fast enough. I don;t even want to look at her or talk to her! It's not a feeling of sadness, remorse or regret....it's more like an extreme uneasiness....kind of like you feel if you are in danger. Best way to describe it!
Anyway....sorry for the long post and if you read this far, thanks! Just wanted to follow-up on my life after and needed someplace to continue to journal my path through this process and getting out the other side! For those that end up here, I am sorry for your loss, but there truly can be a life on the other side if you can face that fear of the unknown and just let go!
Azagtoth
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
Man! This is truly inspirational! If I end up where you are a year from now I will count myself lucky. At the moment, I love my WAW too much and I want my family to remain intact, even as I've seen the ugly side of her for the past 3+ months.
Nice going!
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Thanks for the response. I haven't seen your thread yet but I will check it out! If your BD was recently (you mentioned 3+ months of ugly side) then yes, it's still pretty raw and I remember where I was at that time! Hang in there the best you can and I hope the best for you! If it does not work out, understand there is a life after and you WILL survive it better than you think!!!!!
A little update; seems like the X has begun to "hit the wall"! I don't know why but she seems to feel the need of telling me her woes! I am done so now it is more of an interesting and humorous "case study" for me to watch her go through her "transition". It is pretty amazing once you step back and detach, you can see the train wreck looking for a place to happen. Apparently her BF dumped her, she can't get a second date with anyone she goes out with; no man wants to commit to a relationship and all they want is a hook up!
Maybe she should google "men on strike"; the answers are there! Sorry, but the dating game gets worse for women and better for men as we age; just the trend! And most who have been run through the wringer once and understand the consequences of marriage aren't going to just launch off into a new commitment until they know for damn sure what they are dealing with and have their butts covered the next time around!!!!! The next generation have been watching there dads get fleeced and run over the coals in the lop-sided courts and most have decided enough is enough and the potential of loss is too great!!!!!
Azagtoth
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
If my WAW doesn't get her act together, I hope I can write a post like yours someday Azagtoth.
I have this vision of showing up at a funeral sometime in the future, me stepping out of a BMW with gorgeous wife #2 (redhead of course) and finding her 30 pounds overweight and on her 3rd boyfriend.
You give me hope.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Thanks for the comments! It definitely has gotten better and gets better every day! I have found I am so much better off now; not only am I mentally and physically better, I am financially more stable then I ever have been.
And most important, I have a much tighter bond with D11 and the quality of our time together is great!!!
Rzr, can't say whether or not your vision will come true, but more often than not, the grass is not greener on the other side for them! Add the fact that you GAL your butt off and living your life to fullest irrelevant to her...becoming the person only a fool would leave......yea....reality will bite hard.
I will have to check out your threads; I'll be honest that I don't visit the boards that often anymore but I do read up on those that post to mine! I wish you both the best and always remember; you will be fine no matter what the outcome!
Azagtoth
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
