Several years ago, I was in an SSM and came very close to divorce. I read books such as Michele's SSM book. I figured out that I needed to do a pretty strong 180 and told my wife that I would not have sex with her until she learned how to touch me. We signed up for conseling with a board certified sex therapist and my wife was confronted with her issues. Ultimately she choose that she preferred to remain married over being divorced (and those were her choices as I had made up my mind that the marriage would get better by a certain date or I would end it). We then started having sex about twice a week, but sometimes less.
We recently hit a couple of those sometimes less patches, where her being tired, not in the mood, etc. We had been on a month long vacation. In the beginning, I said to myself jet lag and finally getting a chance to relax were reasonable reasons. But she continued to not be in the mood, then she came down with a brief cold.
A flood of emotions came roaring out of the past in my mind. Feeling of being emotionally abandoned, not being loved, being in an SSM. I coped and tried to focus on my making myself happy by doing things I wanted and telling myself that I could get through this. I also worked at making sure that I was doing things in her languages of love so she felt loved by my. Yet she did little to try to make me feel loved in non-sexual ways and focused on what she wanted only.
We did survive without any fights or confrotations and we restarted marital relations when we got home. That was a month ago, and I had pretty well put it out of my mind, when this past week we again had a dry spell where she wasn't in the mood to be intimate.
How does one ever really recover from something so tramatic as being in an SSM? I can put my head down and tell myself that it is her and not me; that I need to focus on being happy and improving myself and she is the one that looses when she either is too tired, too busy or picks a fight with me over some trivial things that just poisons the closeness between us for a few days.
I didn't like it that those old demons returned and I haven't yet banished them again. Any of you with experience on how to do that once and for all times?
Last edited by Young at Heart; 09/30/1409:26 PM.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
You are not alone in this situation. I know you are familiar with Michele's book and strategies. I suggest that you speak to a divorce busting coach so that these priciples can be directly applied to your situation. Our highly trained coaches ar experts in this area and can help you. Call me to discuss our coaching program- 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
