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Hello everyone,

This is my first post, although I have been reading many for some months.

My wife and I were married for 14 years before she left me. I realise like so many people have posted on here, I had issues, but obviously so did she. We had a blissful life, financially sound, no children unfortunately, but we had a loving relationship for almost everyday we were married. She is, and was, a fantastic, generous, and loving wife.

Then in December 2012, all that changed. Our first argument in 4 years led to me saying some very cruel things. I won't go into detail but the night before my wife said things to me and dredged up history before we were even married, it made me feel worthless. Unfortunately, the next morning I tried to smooth things over but she rejected me. This caused me to react very aggressively by saying some very regretful things. Obviously, I wish I didn't say those things now.

She left and didn't come back that day electing to stay at her parents. The next day I went to work expecting her to come home and collect her things and leave for a week or so. She had done this previously when we argued, which I put down to her blowing things out of proportion at times.

She did collect her things and then rang me to say she had left. To cut a long story short, we communicated for a couple of weeks and I genuinely felt we were working toward her coming back home. During that time she stayed with her sister, brother-in-law and their 4 kids in a three bedroom home. She was also travelling 1 hour to work and back. This was putting unnecessary pressure on her, which led her to demand finances etc.

We ended up splitting the bank account. She became more and more distant and by New Year's Eve I couldn't deal with this anymore. I called her, after not being together for Christmas, which killed me. She told me she wasn't coming home and was leaving me and would file for divorce.

Months went by and eventually she sent a solicitors letter requesting financial settlement. It took until January 2014 before she pursued it. I was expecting divorce would follow soon after, but it has now been 21 months since she left and nothing to date.

She sent me an 8 page letter, which I believe she took at least two weeks to write. It came as a surprise to me to receive it as she never said anything about sending one to me. At first it started off sounding positive, how much she loved our lives together, missed certain things etc, but as she went on it became viscous and aggressive, even vengeful to some extent. Upon reading it I contacted her and asked her if I can reply to it, which she agreed to. I felt it was my only way to communicate and open up to her. She later sent me a text message to say she would not accept anything from me and would return it unread if I sent one to her. She even said not to contact her again, which since last October, I have done exactly that.

In December last year she arranged for all her personal belongings, which amounted to cook books and a few bits and pieces to be collected from our home. That's all she took aside from her clothes. Not even a chair did she take.

Our financial settlement occurred in January this year. She didn't take me for anything other than 50% value of the house.

So she could have filed for divorce in December last year, but nothing has occurred yet. I still pray everyday that she will open her heart to forgiveness and reconciliation. I don't dare contact her because I want her to take the time to decide whether this is really what she wants. I hope and pray she hasn't given up all hope for us, maybe this is why she hasn't filed for divorce as yet.

I would be very pleased to hear your opinion on why she hasn't yet filed. I won't. One of my priests told me "it's a sin to murder, but not to be murdered." So from my. Point of view, I don't want to divorce, I want to rebuild our marriage, I still love my wife as much as I did the day I married her if not more. I miss her dreadfully, and life hasn't moved on for me. I still have all our wedding photos up on the walls, still have photos of her and I around the house. I don't see myself with anyone else, and frankly, not even interested.

It's amazing how so many people keep saying how lucky I am to be free. If only they really knew what it is like to lose your soul mate, best friend, lover and wife. I realise a lot of people, especially males, would use this as an opportunity to go wild. I am using this time to understand me, what went wrong, and what changes I would and can make to make my wife happy.

I dread the day I receive divorce papers. She told me there was no-one else, but I am not so sure. I can't believe she would have left everything for nothing other than independence and start all over again. This year she turns 40 (November). I wonder if she thinks about life passing by, no children as yet, etc. I pray and have faith God will see it fit after we have both worked out what we have done to contribute to our marriage failure to bring us back together.

Regards,
Sad me.


Me: 49
W: 39
No children
Married: 14 years
Joined: Apr 2014
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Sadme,

It is a sad situation we are in. My H left me as well about the same amount time (22 months) as your wife. My H is living with another woman who has children. He now has another life. He comes to our home several times a month and we even have been intimate at times. But that is it. There is no talk about our situation, our twenty-something kids, or the house or anything that is from our marriage.

There are no divorce proceedings - and I am happy about that. But I don't know what it means. I like to think that it is because deep down my H doesn't really want a divorce. But, I am not sure that is what is happening.

Actually, I think my H is an avoider - could your wife be too? I hope that your situation will change. For now, I am trying to focus on all the good things in my life and not let my situation keep me down. But that's not that easy to do.

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Hi Iamhere,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, but I would give anything for me to even just contact me. This month is our 15th wedding anniversary. I dream of her, I get my hopes up and then fall into the depths of despair.

My wife was so adamant that we were through and was so cold and vicious that I was convinced she would arrange divorce proceedings as soon as 12 months was up. I don't know what she is thinking, whether she even gives me a thought. I suppose I look at it this way, she could easily just pick up the phone or send me a text, but nothing. I have received a few calls without any response on the other end, and when I call back it says it is a private number. I hope and pray it is her, just wanting to hear my voice, but who knows.

I work at the very premises where we met almost 17 years ago. I married her whilst we both worked there, then we left the company not longer after marrying. 18 months ago I was approached for a new job. Imagine how I felt going back to that site, the memories, the pain. Now I am looking at leaving there, and I hope it is not sign that our journey has ended. I just can't believe my situation, still, after all this time. She is my first thought when I wake up, my every thought when on my own, and my last thought every night. And I dream of her and us getting back together.

What has been really enlightening for me is I have behaved completely a opposite to how I and most others would have expected me to be. I am not interested in finding another relationship, and have resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life. The hurt has been unbearable, the constant prodding of my thoughts, guilt, regret, sorrow, every emotion I can imagine.

I just wish I could steel a kiss on the cheek, just a touch, just a hello. Almost twelve months with absolutely no contact kills me, yet I still hold out hope, and faith in God that he will bring us back together. I pray we both needed this time to learn so much about ourselves and each other.

Thank you for listening.


Me: 49
W: 39
No children
Married: 14 years
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 570
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Dear Sadme;

Turning 40 for her might be a bigger deal than you realize, especially with no children. She probably hasn't filed for divorce, because on some level she wants to be able to say she isn't divorced to people. Some folks view it as another sign of failure.

You need to sit down and do some serious introspection. You need to figure out how to emotionally let go of your wife or about to be ex wife. Yes, that will be hard, but you are alive, healthy and have the potential to have a good life with or without her. You need to focus on that concept.

The DB principles are pretty clear, you can only change you and not your spouse; they need to change themself; you can create changes in yourself (i.e. GAL & 180's) that force them to interact with you in a different way and that in turn will force them to re-examine your relationship in hopefully a better light.

You also have learned that words can obviously hurt and do extreme harm in a relationship. I suspect that your hurtful words were something that your wife transformed into an excuse to give her the strength to follow-through on an already concieved plan of leaving you. I could be wrong, and have been before, but few people would make such an extreme life change on the spur of the moment.

In my case, my wife would do things to cause fights so that she could keep her emotional distance from me. I actually thought at one point that the reason I was in an SSM was so that she would drive me to have an affair that she might discover and use that as a way of justifying her desire to end our marriage. I know this must sound convoluted, but people often do things to sabatoge a relationship that they want out of. Most people want to be the "good guy" or victim in a failed marriage. Your fight may have been the excuse she needed to use in telling her family.

So what have you been doing to "Get a Life" and make yourself a new improved and happier you in the past 21 months? What 180's have you been doing?

When I decided to GAL, I took up running half marathons, climbed mountains, and lost a huge amount of weight. I read self improvement books, learned about everything I could in regards to relationships. My wife freaked out seeing me read books on relationships and the different way I handled myself around her. She noticed that other women began to find the new fitter me much more interesting. All of that changed her attitude with me. Eventually we got conseling and that allowed her to express and confront her demons. Ultimately, the therapist pointed out that it was my wife's decision if the marriage would end or continue and it would be my wife who would have to live with the consequences, as I wasn't going to do anything to sabatoge the marriage. She also pointed out to my wife that other women would be thrilled to take a divorced me and provide me the love I needed.

If you have read Michelles books, you might want to re-read the part about the nuclear last ditch option of you communicating that you might file for divorce if she doesn't.

The point is that things need to change for you to live a reasonable life. You need to accept that. You also need to accept that you need to work on you and your faults and through GAL and 180's create new and better you. Good luck.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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Dear Sadme,
So sorry, man, I am in a similar sitch myself. My W cannot or will not work on saving our M. Refuses to seek MC or IC. She sees no future with me. Though we've only been separated 2 months, my W has been checked out for almost two years. Only it is now that we're physically apart has the gravity of the importance to CHANGE ME been so extreme. I was complacent and unaware of how my behavior was draining the life from her and her feelings towards me. The day she dropped the B I did and said all the wrong things. Acting out of fear and hurt. I still hurt daily, but the hurt is getting less and less as I start to focus on me and my life. I know how you feel. I see no other future than the one we envisioned together. I hope and pray that God will soften my W's heart and she'll start to warm up. But all I can do know is work on becoming a better me, father, husband, and person.
I can do this, you can do this,
we must do this.
Keep your head up.
Peace
ikymk99


M 39 W 39
T 16, M 15
S 12, 9
Sep 07/26/14
11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
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Geez Sadme, how similar our stories are. October 2012 my W told me she wants to separate, with no arguments or fights leading up to this day. Started seeking financial separation within 2 months. Financial separation all finalised in Jan 2014. She didn't want any belongings in the house (furniture, electrical etc) just the value of the properties. Still awaiting the divorce papers for two years this month.
I have moved on, found another beautiful woman, but left still wondering why the W hasn't done the divorce. My view: I think she wants me to be stuck in limbo, to be the one who does the final act of finishing the marriage. She initiated the financial separation.
Over those two years we have said very few words, seen each other very few times. The last time I saw her was about 7 months ago.
Oh and by the way, she moved in with her best friend (3 months prior to BD) as soon as we separated, and admitted she was a couple with that friend to her Mum last year. The friend is a female.
Young at Heart has written exactly what should be done in the last paragraph. It took me a long time to get there, but once there, life is so much better.
I can only control me, no one else. Good luck.


ME:51 W:46
M:25
S:22, S:20
Divorced 16/9/15
BD 10/12
W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12.
Dark since 6/13
I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
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Sadme Offline OP
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Hi hotwheel, yep, sounds so much like what I have been through, and around the same time too. Glad to hear you have moved on. I just can't imagine myself starting another relationship at this time, and for much time. I am still deeply in love with my wife, but I know I cannot make her love me. It is painful and energy sapping, not to mention the heartache. I hope things work out for you. It is killing me to know that any day I can receive a divorce, I check the letter box everyday, my emails expecting something from my lawyer. I remember the day I received an email from my lawyer advising they had received a financial demand letter. My blood drained from my face and I felt sick. I don't want to feel that again, never, never again.


Me: 49
W: 39
No children
Married: 14 years

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