Last night (Mon) I spoke on phone w MIL while out for a walk on my own - just such a relief to get some support from her. Then when home MIL sent a Facebook message to my mobile and my wife saw it. So now she suspects/knows I have discussed with MIL - and W is white hot with anger.
"(Wife), I'm sorry you feel that way. But you need to understand that your mother is a grown woman, she will think and feel what she will think and feel, and you don't get to tell people how they're supposed to react to this difficult situation. As for me, I've always loved and respected your mother and I'm certainly not going to refuse her calls nor will I EVER lie to her. Please keep in mind that she is trying to support THE MARRIAGE, not necessarily you or me PERSONALLY."
(or something similar)
Try to make a distinction between friends and loved ones "choosing sides" INDIVIDUALLY (you vs. your wife), vs. them choosing to support THE MARRIAGE.
Starsky, I'd like to tag you to go along with me as a tag team partner and help out Poirot over in the Newcomer's forum. Sending you some high quality Cuban cigars for you as a "thank you"!
Thanks for the suggestions - will get right on the sorry-you-feel-that-way's. Have been going with neutral "OK's" or nothing for the outbursts before/after tense dinner with 2/3 sons with us.
MIL definitely supporting the marriage even if W thinks she is choosing my side. Been rereading DR as well.... I found one point very good - that any outcome is painful and there is no option but to work through the pain to get to the solution you want.
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
Last night (Mon) I spoke on phone w MIL while out for a walk on my own - just such a relief to get some support from her. Then when home MIL sent a Facebook message to my mobile and my wife saw it. So now she suspects/knows I have discussed with MIL - and W is white hot with anger. Threats to tell all to my Dad etc etc Lots of things being said/messaged to me - I am just not responding now. Reminds me of that quote about people showing you how they are So generally not a great couple of days Signing papers at the bank today Am in hospital later in the week for a shoulder operation so can add that to the list of painful things to get through to a better future
Anaru, I can relate to this happening because in my sitch I've been contacted by all of my in-laws who know about the A.
IMHO, I think having family/friend support for both what is morally RIGHT and for the M itself, is crucial. It means your W had a solid moral foundation and she has strayed. Although she may not see it now, guilt should bring her back to the reality of what is really right.
Just be careful not to allow contact with your MIL to develop into a worse sitch where you become a parental figure towards your W. You and your MIL don't need to be sitting down deciding how best W should proceed with major life decisions. She needs to take ownership of the mess she has made and put on her BGPs.
UpperCut Me: 28 W: 25 Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home) S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15) No kids
Thanks for the wise note UpperCu - indeed I have too often taken the role of the rational/parent in the relationship so will try and just be her H.
W really resents that I discussed things with her Mum then shut up when I pointed out that she had shared with a girlfriend of hers/married friends of ours before I knew anything.
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
