Been a long time since I have been on here but your post really hit a nerve with me. My H, too, is an alcoholic. It was something that I kept hidden from this board during my time here for fear that people will tell me what some are telling you now. Your primary issue is the alcoholism. This is not to say that there is no benefit in DB, I actually think there is enormous benefit in it. However, and this is a big however, you need additional help. I STRONGLY suggest that you begin attending Al Anon meetings. I suggest you find one tonight.
In a couple of your posts, I already see some co-dependency issues. I don't judge as I had so many of them myself. In addition, the blaming that your H is engaged in is a classic symptom of his alcoholism. Once you attend a meeting, you will see that this is universal. This is not to say that we don't have things that must be improved, we all do, but the blaming is very out of balance in an alcoholic.
I have never ever been to a meeting where I was advised to leave my M. Their goal seems to be the same as DB - to save the marriage. But your H is sick and it WILL get worse. It is not good when they are high functioning because it allows them to ignore the situation longer. My H, too, was high functioning holding a CFO position. For me, this fact lulled me into some sort of false security. I mean hey, it wasn't like he was out on the streets or hanging out in a bar all day. However, things do come crumbling around them eventually if they don't get help. And problems with the marriage can accelerate that timeline. I know. That's exactly what happened to my H.
You cannot force your H to get help. He must do that on his own. But what you can do is stop all behaviors that encourage him. You need to learn boundaries and now. You also need to take control of you. You have asked "how do I deal with his verbal attacks?" This situation is all too common with the alcoholic as well. But you have a right to walk away and not listen to it. I know you are afraid that doing this will make your situation worse, but then know that staying there is a choice you make. Because you are in control far more than you realize. Also know that staying there for these assaults actually encourages him. It's a co-dependent behavior. Operating out of fear will not produce the results you think it will. I promise you.
It is essential you learn skills to deal with the alcoholic and to take care of yourself. You will learn this at Al Anon. My M didn't have a chance until the drinking stopped. I sat in limbo for a very long time. Al Anon changed everything. Again, this is not to say your time here is wasted. There's a lot to be learned here as well. But there isn't any way I can put this in stronger terms - you need to get to Al Anon.
I'm praying for you. Big hugs to you.
LIS
Your sweet to reply to me, I guess we all see post that we are drawn to and I had not considered Al anon yet because I haven't exactly convinced myself that him drinking beer each day, more on weekends including mornings meant he was a full blown alcoholic.
In my weird way of explaining away things to make them seem less, I decided hard liquor is worse than beer, he doesn't drink while at work, he seems normal for the most part. I know I'm not thinking right.
I will go to a meeting soon, but once I do this it just makes things get just that much more unmanageable to me.
I was married to a terrible wife beating alcoholic years ago that was abbusive and had blackouts . He did things during these blackouts that scared the sh&t out of me. I don't really think my 2nd (present ) h is the same type, not the same. I would prefere to think 2nd h is more of a depressed wah, mlc type because I know alcoholics are nearly impossible to change unless they want to.
And that would mean there is no hope because he will never stop drinking or seek help.
He doesn't believe in depression or counceling, or panic attacks. Or that's it's anything but lazy ness, stubbornness , stupidness etc...
He also thinks love is a feeling and I think it's a choice and that once he's "done" that there's nothing that can change his mind
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
I hope a seasoned vet can chime in on the alcohol issue.
Disclaimer: I am not a seasoned vet, but I do have some experience with the alcohol issue (not my H). If your H is an alcoholic, no amount of DB-ing is going to fix that. The issues are bigger than that. He needs to decide to do something about it, when he's ready. Until then, do you want to live that way?
I want to live in peace, I want my good natured h back that used to love me. I want what I can't have
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
You are not alone in this. Keep your chin up and stay strong. Listen to that DB coach and to what the wise people on this board are saying. Take that info in and start working on a plan. You came here seeking help. Something has to change, and only you can make that change happen.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I'm listening, I will go to Al-anon, I will follow the rules from now on to the best of my ability. I am thankful for the responses especially since some of your post make mine look tame. I really need to find some peace and happiness
I want to make a statement before I go, about ilybinilwy
When this was said to me, I responded with
Oh, I was wondering how long before you were going to join the club!
Sometimes I want to kill you, but I get over it and that doesn't mean I don't love you.
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
Did you know that most alcoholics are functional? Most of them start out that way? The stereotype many of us walk around with isn't reality. But that stereotype helps us, as their family members, stay in denial. Oh how I wish you knew that so many of us have said, felt and gone through exactly what you are. I read your post nodding my head because almost every one of us walked into Al Anon speaking exactly the same words. I don't say this to reduce you to a mere statistic. I say this so you know that you are in good company and there are so many at Al Anon who have gone before you and know how to help you cope. No one can help you, though, until you are honest with yourself. For me, that was a very hard fought journey. As I stated, I kept my H's alcoholism secret during my time here. But when I finally was honest with myself, I found there was a lot of help between Al Anon and a group of friends who really forced me to develop boundaries and stop my co-dependent behaviors.
The co-dependency issues are very serious especially in your situation. They must be dealt with swiftly. For you, for your H and for your daughter. If your H is an alcoholic, the statistics that your D marries one are a bit scary. By learning to deal with that, you can help her and change those statistics.
Now for the hope part!! Oh my goodness, like you, I thought if my H is an alcoholic, then I have no chance. The fact that I didn't mention his alcoholism while I was here only reinforces what was in my head and deep in my heart. When I went to Al Anon, I found out the opposite is true! It turned out that dealing with the situation and the truth head on gave me and my H the only fighting chance. When I began confronting my H about his drinking in a healthy way (those recommended by Al Anon), he was angry, dismissive and divorcing me every 5 minutes. Oh boy, how I wish I had a dollar for each time he was divorcing me. I'd be one rich woman! He found drinking buddies. Even a drinking gf! Thing is, he started becoming more and more aware. As I got better about my boundaries, he became more mindful of his own behaviors. It changed the entire game. 4 years later, he first got help and stopped drinking. He's fallen down a couple of times, which is pretty normal (although I can't say I've taken it well but that's a whole other story), but the thing is, he is fighting to stay sober. If you asked me 4 years ago if I thought he'd EVER stop drinking, I'd have bet every single thing I own against it. But SJ, that isn't the biggest gift I got in this situation... not even close.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic, step daughter of an alcoholic, sister of an alcoholic, and granddaughter of an alcoholic. I was bred to be co-dependent. I have always had self esteem issues. Bad ones. Being with an alcoholic only made that situation worse. I got my self esteem outside of me which means I was on a roller coaster ride from he!!, as my self esteem was subject to the whims of a man who was rarely sober outside of work and never really thinking clearly. Once I got help, all of that changed in a pretty radical way. Between Al Anon and my core group of friends who committed to helping me, I am no longer afraid of his words or anyone else's. I screw up plenty, but so does everyone else and I'm able to keep that in balance. I am no longer the worst person in the world. I don't live for my H as I have plenty going on in my life that doesn't revolve around my H. So much has changed. And let me tell you, I'd go through every single bit of it again, to get that. So... as far as hope, there is nothing but hope in your situation as long as you get the help.
I apologize for the long post, but like I said, I see so much of my story in your story. I know the feeling of hopelessness I had and I know how thankful I was when I found people to tell me that it is far from hopeless. There's a lot of work to be done SJ, but there are a lot of gifts to be had if you do the work.
Big, big hugs to you. I am praying for you. I mean that sincerely.
