Shocked and freaked out

[Seattle]

I have no idea. I stopped checking her call logs because I was getting too upset. She hasnt acknowledged spending time with him or talking with him to me. Should I ask?

[Card29]

You know your sitch better than me, obviously, but if you were upset by call logs, I see two things from you asking her that:

- She says No. You potentially doubt the answer (to some extent). You mind read and 2nd guess.

- She says Yes. You are upset from the news, come off even more clingy and desperate. You have a setback with whatever progress you've made detaching and 180-ing.

- And either way she answers, you look clingy, needy and desperate. She also feels interrogated and will associate this negative feeling with being around you, making her less likely to want to do so in the near future. The extent of your projected desperation and how negatively she feels about the question is variable (might be a slight impact, might make her want to not be around you for a month), but either way it's negative.

I'm no vet, so I could be way off there. Just my 2 cents.

I would say you're better off not knowing, detaching and being someone only a fool would leave. Fulfill her EN's in whatever capacity she will allow. I think the time for questions about OM should be reserved for the future when she is fully engaged in piecing your M together. And then, only the questions that YOU need answered should be asked.

[Seattle]

I am not trying to bring up call logs with her (sorry if I miscommunicated that).

I simply want to invite her into a discussion about what we are doing. Are we going to work on the marriage or not? I have been super patient throughout this whole process and I am thinking it is time to at least invite a discussion about where her head is at instead of pretending nothing is wrong.

[MrBond]

I think you should be honest with her for your protection. I mean what if she's having sex with the OM AND you? You could catch something that will put both of you at risk.

[Young at Heart]

Quick update on GAL:
This weekend I spent time with 5 different friends.

...Tonight I am going to a concert for a band I've heard of that sounds fun.

...I played tennis twice this weekend.

Looking for feedback:
Spoke to my relatively new IC today. He suggested that I cannot stay in limbo forever, and that one of the problems with my marriage has been the poor communication...
Thoughts?

Could you help me understand how meeting with friends makes you a better you and more interesting? Do you have antisocial issues you need to overcome?

Could you also explain how going to a movie is a GAL activity that will help you reconcile with the person you love?

I can understand tennis.

As to your IC saying that you have a communication problem, I like what Schnarch says about couples who counselors say have communications problems. He points out that they probably communicate so perfectly that they don't need words to express their feelings and know their partners feelings as they have fought over the same things for most of their relationship.

My favorite folklore statement is that if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Most (not all) counselors have extensive training in teaching communication skills, which is why I prefer Gottman or Sue Johnson trained marriage counselors.

Good luck. You might want to reread the DB book and see how you can implement some of its concepts.

[Young at Heart]

Dear Seattle;

I just wanted to repeat some earlier advice on GAL

Dear Seattle;

You are getting lots of great advice. Why don't you do something really drop dead interesting as a way of declaring and defining the new you?

May I suggest you enroll in something way out of the ordinary as say the UW experimental college if you really are in or near Seattle. https://depts.washington.edu/asuwxpcl/

How about signing up for the couples massage class (they will set you up with someone), the inexpensive global volunteering travel class, Flirting 101, Salsa dancing, Tango dancing, or Figure drawing. Any of those things would make you a much more interesting person and someone who is not the same old you. Your job is to GET A LIFE by building a new set of skills and experiences. You need to focus on you (and your development); not on what you might be loosing if she chooses to leave you.

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn in DB was that only I can take responsibility for my happiness. Let me say that differently, I can't look to my W for my happiness, I must do things in my life to provide me with the minimum (or more) happiness I require. If my wife does things to make me happy that is just gravy and wonderful! If I depend on her to be happy I am in a sick co-dependent relationship. Choosing a GAL hobby that give me pleasure, builds my confidence, makes me seem like a much more manly man or interesting man for my woman to be with just makes things so much better.

Challenge yourself to really do something out of your comfort zone that will change the way your W looks at you.

Now the 10 manliest hobbies click hear to see Men's Health Article on 10 Manliest Hobbies