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Glad you posted again, b/c I didn't want to see you disappear. I know things are really tough, and that's why you need the support here.

Quote:
We got into an argument (she escalated) and I told her I am fine with talking about stuff like this but she always flips out.


If she had nothing to feel guilty about, then why should she flip out?

I
Quote:
've realized lately that this is a major problem in everything - she flips a switch, throws up her wall, and gets angry/cold/mean during conflict instead of being a mature person and talking about things openly. Lots of work to do there.


Sounds like familiar behavior to me.

Quote:
But something doesn't seem right. She says she is committed to working on the marriage but at her pace but she won't elaborate what that means. She's agreed to counseling again but we still haven't booked an appointment (she wants a new therapist since she felt the other was taking my side).
I still have not seen any changes on her part and she doesn't seem overly affectionate or loving right now - it's like she's there but there is a wall up although not as thick as a couple months ago.


I think you need to listen to these warnings.

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She doesn't understand that it's not appropriate for a married woman to do that especially during a sensitive time like we were in with marriage in the balance.


Really? Would she think otherwise if the shoes were on you?

Quote:
It's a dealbreaker for me.


Be sure she knows and understands your boundaries and deal
breakers. Know the difference in boundaries and ultimatums. If you lay down a boundary, be prepared to back it up.

As long as she finds some excuse to avoid MC, and doesn't appear to be making changes, there's a good chance she has not changed her mindset. And nothing will work well until she has a change of mindset. She will try to have it both ways, if she can.....and that doesn't work well for the LBH.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks, I definitely see the warnings but I'm caught in a tough spot of reconciling without setbacks and waiting for MC to start back up. I guess you would call this walking on eggshells, which really blows, to be honest.

Until we get MC set I am just going to try to keep it light and not force anything. I do have equal optimism that she is sincere just as I have pessimism that she really wants to follow through. So, an on the fence wife is better than a WAW I guess. But only for so long. At some point the needle has to move.

The good news is she agreed to visit my family with me for Thanksgiving which was inconceivable just a week or two ago. At first she said no, then remembered how we recently discussed not seeing our family since our move really impacted us and we would not neglect that in the future. So hopefully we can keep things progressing over the next month and use the holiday as a stepping stone. Fingers crossed.

She has also been saying ILU's lately and has begun talking about plans with friends, holiday party's hosted at our house, and stuff...so there are some positives in there. It is just an awkward time of going from total freedom to living together again, one extreme to the next, so I am glad we at least took those 2 weeks to ease into the return home.

For now, I'm going to continue to focus on my new routine but take advantage of the times we are together by meeting her needs without smothering. It will play out how it is meant to be day by day.

Last edited by AWAW; 10/10/14 09:08 PM.

M:35 WW:32
Dated 8 years
M: 2
BD 6/12/14
S: 7/29/14
No kids
Reconcile: 9/25/14
Moved back: 10/7/14
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I hope you won't put 100% of your hope into the possible MC. She may go to the first session and refuse to return. Guess I may sound like a downer, but I want you to be emotionally prepared in case the MC doesn't work out.

From what I have read, I don't believe it is uncommon to have some back sets before finally able to piece the M back together. And I have noticed something about many LBH's. Many of them have all their focus on getting the WW back. But somewhere along the way, they have not dealt with certain issues of their own. B/c once the WW does come back, then it is as though the LBH has second thoughts about it. He begins to experience anger or problems with total forgiveness. These are areas that have to be healed or he will not fully be able to move forward with life, and the M can't be what it needs to be.

JMHO, but I have to wonder if part of the problem is b/c the H wants to get past all the pain and get on with normality again. He thinks if the A ends and he gets his W back that his problems are over. However, he has spent all his mental energy on his W and neglected himself. That is only one reason we tell newcomers to get their attention off the WAW and on themselves.

Unfortunately, this healing issue is something that takes time, as surely as if you had had your heart cut out and trying to live with a new one.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Had another good weekend, she finished moving in and we went out Sat night, ended well.

Then this morning she was up early and was all dressed up. Total cleavage shirt and she asked me if it was appropriate for work. Makeup was different, heavy. Hmmmm...

So I went to work, then hit the gym at the end of the day. Get a text that she's going to a happy hour with co-workers. This is odd for a Monday. Meet up at home and she's pretty drunk. Said the happy hour was unplanned and just happened.

Are these tests, is she just f'ing with me to see how I respond. Not cool. You'd think you'd be careful with your actions during a time like this. In the house again for 48 hours and back to the old ways. Still will be interesting.

Good news is we have MC booked for Fri. But later that day we have our first get together with friends since S 3 months ago. Hope to keep the MC session positive but it seems like there are some unpleasant things that need to be talked about.

Last edited by AWAW; 10/14/14 03:57 AM.

M:35 WW:32
Dated 8 years
M: 2
BD 6/12/14
S: 7/29/14
No kids
Reconcile: 9/25/14
Moved back: 10/7/14
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 26
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Okay, three happy hours out of 5 days. Stoned when she gets home. Cooked a nice dinner but said no sex. Got into argument about sudden lack of intimacy since she moved back. Have MC tomorrow but she said she can wipe her a$$ with marriage books.

Wtf. This doesn't get easy and sometimes cutting the cord seems right. Let's see what happens at MC.


M:35 WW:32
Dated 8 years
M: 2
BD 6/12/14
S: 7/29/14
No kids
Reconcile: 9/25/14
Moved back: 10/7/14
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 26
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Btw, our MC recommended a book and she was referring to that. So many books over the past few months and were both overwhelmed. Could use a break at this point.


M:35 WW:32
Dated 8 years
M: 2
BD 6/12/14
S: 7/29/14
No kids
Reconcile: 9/25/14
Moved back: 10/7/14
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
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Careful with the sex and intimacy. My W and I were reconciling decently, was asked to move in, and three weeks later I am back out.

We had an night where I tried to create an intimate and emotional bond through sex instead of creating an atmosphere of love and affection to bring about sex once everything was better. I learned this too late and it triggered old feelings in her and now she feels reconciliation may be impossible.

Careful with moving too fast and I hope MC will work for you. That is my goal now, to get With to be all in and go for MC.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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Shocker. I'm back. Anyone want to know what you already know about a walk away wife that begs to come back then 2 months later?

There is enough history on this board but each story has details that might help a good person from wasting their precious time.


M:35 WW:32
Dated 8 years
M: 2
BD 6/12/14
S: 7/29/14
No kids
Reconcile: 9/25/14
Moved back: 10/7/14
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
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Do tell where you are at...

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