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#2485084 09/04/14 04:37 PM
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Heart14 Offline OP
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...310#Post2484310

H and I are really making a lot of good progress in repairing our M. Repairing almost feels like the wrong word because I don't want what we had. I want something better and stronger than before. I truly believe we are going to get there.

That being said, I'm having some personal guilt and need some advice. I have disclosed the A to 4 people. My mom and sibling because they were aware of H's strange behavior. Both are supportive of me wanting to repair our M. I think privately they both struggle with what he did, but are willing to move on if he's truly treating me well. Third, a close girlfriend who noticed how unhappy we were. The fourth was H's mom. I had no intention of telling her, but she asked me some pointed questions and I didn't want to lie. I stressed that we were both committed to saving our marriage. She knew I had been frustrated and hurt by his actions though. I have not disclosed to H that she knows. Should I?

I feel like this is a lie of omission on my part. I am thinking about telling him, but also fearful that this will undo some of the trust we've started gaining back. His R with his parents has been strained for a bit now (prior to his mom knowing about A). I don't want to damage that further either. I go back and forth about what is the right action.

We have not gone to MC yet. We are planning to start when we relocate in a few weeks.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. You can begin to get the answers you need to your questions now. Moving is stressful and might take a while before you settle in. You can speak to a coach anywhere at anytime. Please call me to discuss our Divorce Busting Coaching program 303-444-7004.


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I'm sorry, I haven't followed your situation up to now, but your question caught my eye.

I would gently tell him, along with the circumstances. He can't heal his relationships unless he knows the truth. And you can't heal your relationship with him while a secret like that is gnawing at you.

Best wishes to you!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Heart14 Offline OP
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Thanks Maybell! I actually did tell him because I thought it was the right thing to do. He was amazing about it. He told me it didn't bother him that she knew and he didn't feel that it was relevant to the issues they are having. I'm feeling really fortunate today.

My insecurities have been high from a set back we had last weekend. H has been wonderful about helping me through it. Since OW was a coworker, he's been voluntarily giving me daily reports about their interactions and lettinge see any email correspondence. He's also asking for clarification on what is acceptable to me in terms of his interactions with her. I'm thrilled that we are communicating about this so well. All and all, I feel like we are back on the right track.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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Is he looking for a new job?


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 157
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Heart14 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: nmwb123
Is he looking for a new job?


No, he is not currently looking for a new job. Word on the street is that OW is though. We are relocating to another city so he will not have to interact with her face to face as often. I'm sectretly crossing my fingers that she finds something else so they have no reason to interact at all.

He did send her a No Contact letter stating that he was committed to me and our marriage. He also told her their only interaction could be work related. Since then he's been giving me daily reports and showing me all email contact. Some days they have none and he reports that as well. I have a pretty good radar for when he's holding back. Through the entire affair he was distant and cold. I could tell something was off and suspected the PA but had no proof. Since everything's come out, I've grown a back bone. I call him out if I think he's not giving me everything. Since he knows that, it's not really an issue now. It's good for me that he has tells that give him away. If he hid things well, this would probably be a totally different situation.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 157
H
Heart14 Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 157
I need advice. H and I overall have been doing well. He complied with my requests and was showing me with actions that he was committed to me and our M. In spite of that, I had a rough weekend and he got pretty angry with me. He is going through some really stressful times with family and work and I realize I did not make that any easier by being insecure and emotional. Essentially, my timing was terrible. H reacted badly and pretty much said if you can't deal with it, screw you, I'll leave. That hurt so badly. He's out of town so we agreed to let things cool down and talk about it more when he gets back. I'm angry that his default reaction is "we can't survive this." I want him to say "heart, I know this is painful and some days will be hard, but I love you and we'll get through it together." Isn't this a reasonable expectation?

H was giving me daily updates about his interactions with OW since she is a coworker. Since our fight he hasn't mentioned any and I'm unsure whether to assume that means there aren't any or that he isn't telling me because he's upset. He's traveling so it's possible there are none. I am hesitant to ask because of his stress level. I truly don't want him to run and I know he's extremely overwhelmed with things outside our R.

FWIW, I do realize that living in the painful space is not going to work. I need to let go and focus on the positive improvements we've been making. I have let OW into my thoughts way too often lately. She doesn't belong there. I've been living in fear that every time we have a disagreement or he's vulnerable he's going to run back to her. In reality, I cannot control his actions, only mine.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014

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