MOVING UP MOVING ON

[Ambivalent]

Hi ya Job!

Yes those vets are special. Their expressions and gratitude are so heart warming! It is the best volunteer job I've ever had!!

As for the big question. I was pretty low for a bit. And then I completely let go. I have been working on me lately, digging into choices and how I have difficulty sharing my feelings with those I love. JTM sent me for a loop, yet I still forgave him and he has me. Lately he had been texting me, and I wrote him an e-letter stating what I expect in a friend , and what I expect in a partner. No sugar coating and all about my needs and boundaries.

He has asked me out the past three to four weeks, and I declined. I ultimately ended up going out with him last Saturday. I know where he's living, how and see a man who is working on himself. He learned the hard way about dating and relationships. I have given him another chance, and I'm actually somewhat detached. Weird I know, but it is with the help of a course that I'm taking .

These courses have helped me in so many ways. I have much work yet to do, but I've come to some realizations and enlightenment through them. I'm excited about the homework and even though it does push me out of my zone of comfort, I know I won't grow without the pain.

I'm practicing with everyone, as well as JTM. I've caught myself a few times doing behaviors that I know I need to adjust. Even though I'm still behaving the same, I know eventually it will change due to my recognition!

I'm allowing myself to be grounded around JTM, and feeling whatever it is I'm feeling when with him. What is interesting in all of this , is the fact that he is pursuing heavily. He is calling and chatting for long periods of time. Texting me more frequently and when I was with him, he was more present.

I'm getting stronger everyday, and my cycling is getting further and further apart. Yes I still deal with depression, and will do so in the future. The courses also help with this as well.

I'm a bit tired and need to take advantage of this, for the last nights of late , I've not slept well.

[Ambivalent]

Update:

I am a trust but verify kind of gal. Albeit it may or may not bring pain, it is best to be completely informed.

I terminated contact with JTM. I prayed to God about knowing what I need to know, and expediently. This time he answered without haste. I may not like it, but I know it and must deal with the reality.

Many things have been thrown in my path these past two years. Most unnerving, disturbing , and full of woe. This is no exception.

I have found the ultimate answer to some questions and I will deal with the emotions.

JTM isn't a psychopath, or a sociopath. He may be narcissistic, but after discovering what I have, understand this at present.

Something came in my inbox about detachment vs distance.

Thanks God!

It also made me think of JTM's timeline...guess who was going through a MLC? Knowing around the time he started cheating. He did cheat on his wife starting in 2007, how long it went on, the added stressors of empty nest, retirement from the Corps, poor financial choices, his best friend dying, losing their house...Uuuuugh! Talk about triggers! This truly answers so many questions.

Now I understand how and why he wanted me to talk about my MLC-er. He actually saw the parallel and I was feeding him information about his wife's P.O.V., his marriage and about Mid life crisis! He's caught in a web of his destructive behaviors and keeps repeating them...not realizing that radical honesty and work on oneself (real work) is the only way up and out.

He is the great example of the brilliant guy that cannot see, and is using other's to band aid his issues! Sex is a fantastic band aid, and living with a woman who can support him is a great mommy/ and marriage substitute! Arousing and adoring women feed his manhood temporarily, yet leave him empty down the road. This causes the need to start it all up with someone new, creating an endless loop of adrenaline, and creates a high from the sex hormones and more.

He contacted and pursued the gal with whom he lived. She rejected him, and he moved onto me. Simultaneously he pursued women online, one who happened to be a friend's friend.
Small world!
After I discussed my unwillingness to see him while he maintained a profile, he agreed to remove his profile. This was Sunday, Tuesday morning came and not only had he been on and off for several times during the days and nights, he still hadn't removed it.

I let him know that I knew of his past and current behaviors, that I wasn't going to have a relationship with someone I cannot trust, nor feel safe. I blocked calls, texts, and e-mail. He did try and call, but I didn't return them. Without trust, which is the base of all relationships, there is NO foundation on which to grow. End of story!

JTM is stuck in the tunnel, and I certainly don't see any way out for him, unless he gets some long and serious therapy. No amount of self gratification, adoration from women or guiding others is going to fix this. Only hard work , therapy, and abstinence is going to pull him through. I sincerely hope the investigation being done on him at his place of employment doesn't yield results that get him fired. ( he is being investigated due to a complaint by a woman with whom he lived. )
She claimed he stole 20,000.00 from her safe.
I have serious doubts he did this, for he had many an opportunity to steal, cc's, and expensive jewelry from me. He never did and in almost a year and a half, he only gave to me. He treated me to many a fine date, and outings. Evidence is the basis of accusations, and to date it hasn't been procured. Only hearsay and anecdotal happenings.

I still don't want to believe he actually is a grifter. I would rather believe he is going through what so many of our spouses are still battling.

Believe it or not , this has me feeling MUCH better. Not that I derive glee in his pain. I truly don't, I see him as a broken man. For he won't go to a professional, much like my father. This kind of man, will not prostrate himself in front of another man or someone who may actually state out loud , and make him confront his issues. Allowing someone in, is terrifying.

The fear and self loathing is far more comfortable and less painful, than allowing someone to guide him through the digging which needs to be done. It is less scary than getting help.

Now I need to explore why I so easily got sucked into this? Was it need, desire, empathy, sympathy, vanity, naiveté, or am I missing something? Or is it all the above? All I know now, is I'm going to be just fine. He is atypical in immediate outward presentation, but with most of the story pieced, his lack of self clarity, and the self-destructive behavior pattern, I believe I can let go much easier this time! Like we all know, only they can fix them. With the possible help of a professional, and of course some loving support.

I asked for God for fast enlightenment / answers about this, why he came into my life. I'm understanding this now. I should have asked : why did I come into his? I hated him yesterday morning. I did so because I had such an attachment for him. I don't hate him anymore, I'm not feeling attached any longer. I can truly see this for what it is. A learning experience!

Yup I'm rambling through my fingertips. I guess that's better than bawling my eyes out! I hope this gives some insight, even though humiliating! I wouldn't want another to have to experience what I have , to learn this lesson. Thanks. Hugs and a pump! <3