Aaahhhhh... Just returned from my pi$$ed off power-walk and that's EXACTLY what I needed to read to make me laugh.... Omg, uR.... Can you hear me applauding?? The recliner party.... Outstanding.
I'm so glad you didn't have to go through one of these yourself. Clearly, if coping was a sport, you would be a world champion. I'm still at training camp.
Yeah, I hear that I'm early in this. I don't want to believe it. I don't feel early. I've read some stories here that had the WAH back within a year.... I'm not at all thinking that will be me. But I wonder if it's that short for some, perhaps it wasn't the same MLC as my H. And that doesn't matter either because I'm taking a day at a time. It is what it is.
The losing hope part is me wondering how many of them really wake up, and why would mine... I have no plans for dating or D, so that really doesn't matter either.
I think it's the cycling, the sadness of change, even being separated, he was up the road. Now he's ....ok, still up the road, but miles farther. I'm still kicking and screaming and fighting being here. Uuuugggghhhhh.
I think I may need to get out with people. I don't have friends now that are comfortable around me, and I don't care to reach out, all jobless and rejected, and meet new ones. It scares me. I feel weird. But it's time to go back to the Life store.
"A YEAR FROM NOW, YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD STARTED TODAY." -Karen Lamb
It takes time to feel comfortable. I am still working on that. Big time. The span of feeling good or better will broaden, a little at a time. Before you know it, you will have a few good days in a row and catch you all off guard! Once that kicks in, you will find the inner strength to reach out more and more.
Plus, you are strong, have a great attitude, you're funny... all this give you and advantage. This ride is not for the weak. No matter which direction you head.
I feel ya with the whole... um.... this is like forever... like... enough already.
After awhile, once your mindset changes, you will understand what people mean by this being the beginning. I think that is the stage before real detachment. Like really getting it... you know, like about yourself and all. That this is about you. I think lots of people "get it" but don't "feel it" for awhile. That was me, anyway. Once you are past that point, you realize THAT is all part of the early stages.
The latter stages consist of less ups and downs. They are there, for sure, and can be just as high and low... but again, the "better" times are longer, making it a whole lot easier.
Let me be clear- I am still early into it myself, I guess. Any I am still on an emotional rollercoaster. But..... I'm more settled. That's the gradual process.
The visual you wrote about being further up the road while you are still there kicking and screaming... good call. I was feeling it. Yup... totally what happens. Arrrrrrrgghhhhhh! (OK, now I'm turning into a pirate.)
Anyway, keep your head up, chicky..... you are going to make him regret, regret, regret.... just focus on you.
(Feel free to join me and watch my emotional roller coaster in full swing. It took off today when I wasn't looking... in full speed, with no breaks, and no one at the controls... maybe I won't post tonight. I'm emotionally spent. We shall see.....)
Hi Shining, My W did kind of the same thing. The first time I had to go to "her" place to pick up D14, she was so wanting to show me around. She was all excited and seemed to want me to be excited for her as well. Oh, yeah, you move 30 miles away, leave me with no money and a 45 min. drive just to see my d14 and I'm supposed to be what? Happy for her? When she comes over to what was once our home and takes things from our 26 years together and gets all excited about where she is going to put this or that in her new place and the "fun" things she did to show off her pictures (pictures of her and our girls where she literally cut me out of the picture!).
They just are so wanting to destroy everything that was once our lives. To totally obliterate our shared past in a (futile) effort to prove to themselves that we WERE the problem all along. Well, once they get what they want, they are going to find that the problem was inside them all along! Of course, they won't admit it. They will keep trying more and different things to "make" the pain go away. Until they may someday realize that we weren't the problem at all. Right now my W isn't feeling the happiness and peace she thought she would as soon as she "got away from" me. So, instead of thinking maybe that wasn't the answer, she thinks the problem is it's because she hasn't totally emptied everything she wants from our home. She feels there is still a "tie" to this home and me and once she is totally done with me and this place she will THEN feel better. I'm sure the next thing will be she isn't all better and happy because the D isn't final yet. Than when that doesn't work it will because of something else that has to do with me. If I were you that's what I would expect from your H as well. Sure he may not be liking the being alone now that he (finally) has what he has wanted, his own place. But I wouldn't be at all surprised if I were you when he finds some way to blame you or your M for it not being the thing that makes him happy.
Maybe the time alone he has with just himself and who he has become will make him start to question his actions, I hope it will. But I also want to warn you that his MLC is still there and if I were you I'd be prepared for more acting out.
Sorry to hear about the house. I know that it feels to me like my W has totally destroyed everything we worked for over the last 21 years including the home we shared. It's so very sad. Also sill and illogical for them to even begin to think that it will make their pain go away!
Thanks, Mighty. I'm sorry to hear you had a bumpy night. I'll watch for your post whenever you're up to it.
Thanks, Matt. Yeah, they're on a destructive mission for sure. Btw, where in TX off of 35 are you? I'm familiar with the area....
I appreciate the support. I'm really not wallowing or moping around. I vent here, and I try to get it out and work on my yucky stuff. But I'll get through this. Whatever the result of the M, I'm going to be even more awesome, and H will be even more sorry, and who knows if that will put us back together or not.
My new word I'm trying on... H is "irrelevant". At least I need to make him that.
Hey Shining- something that may help as you are trying to figure out which " issues" to process for yourself. My H's counselor had suggested he read these two books last year and for all I know he still hasn't done it, but I got them shortly after BD and worked through them. Immensely helpful and immensely painful but it got me through some serious emotional work in a shorter time than I think therapy alone would. Plus some very interesting concepts on how/why we choose certain mates.
Titles are: Keeping the Love You Find Getting the Love You Want Both books by Harville Hendrix
The first book is touted for singles but you should still start with it. Very insightful on where childhood wounds occurred in your life and how it impacts current development and relationships. Some people find some of the concepts a bit kooky and I agree, but this really directed my work on myself in a very helpful way.
If you try the books let me know what you think.
On a second note- (((hugs)))
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Thanks, uR. I like reading I'm normal and I'm where I'm supposed to be. It helps. <<<. Plus I seem to need the approval. Dangit.
The million in one shot?...ABSOLUTLEY. Yes, yes, yes. I wouldn't have come here otherwise. BUT..... Now it's not about the M as much. I do want it, but at the same time, I can see now, that's not really what I want. Because that didn't work. I want H to be ok. I want to learn from this. I want two whole people to reunite one day, and have a marriage that has been cultured into something great.
If I didn't come here, I would definitely just repeat old patterns going forward, and I'm not doing this again. Ouch. Nope.
I tell myself (and my mom) exactly your words, on purpose, that this is an opportunity, and I have the gift of time to do some great stuff for me. I'm hoping I really believe it soon, and get out there and do it. Detach. GAL.
Keep talking, uR. It's seeping in. I'm getting a ball of fiery energy in my gut. I'm feeling a change is coming soon....in me.
Thanks, daring, I'll check out those books. I may even have one of them.
This is another thing I'm learning about me.... Self inflicted 2x4 coming... Ok, I have been through counseling many times, for different things. Good ones and not so good. I have explored some of my issues, but not all. I have wiggled my way out of some uncomfortable stuff, or shut down, or didn't trust the counselor enough to share, or whatever excuse I choose at the moment to skip stuff. And I don't know what, and I don't know why. I read anything I can get my hands on. I try to apply what I learn. I want to be so independent and figure it out, but I'm not really accountable to anyone now to know if I am doing it...except here .
I don't trust my instincts right now in choosing an IC. How have any of you all found good ones?
Shining, along the lines of what UR wrote about boxing the marriage up for now here is a poem I found that I read now and then:
The Boxes In The Hall
In every Room of our time together there is a box, Of memories we shared, Now is the time to pack away, With Sadness and with Care.
The first is a simple smile, When ever I thought of you, Neatly folded into four, It's the best that I could do.
Next are all the memories, Of the times when we were two, Wrapped with love one by one, Sealed with tears as glue.
And then there are the butterflies, I had when you were near, Now in a cage of sadness, And locked up with a tear.
Next are the times we kissed, Each one wrapped with a sigh, Placed next to a rolled up list, Of all the times I've asked my self why.
Now to pack are the pieces of my heart, Gathered in a pile, Each one wrapped up tenderly, And placed next to a distant smile.
Finally all the shattered wishes, Placed in softly so no more can break, Covering them over trying not to cry, So they would not all ache.
Lastly walking round each room, Closing each and every curtain, Shutting each and every door, Leaving behind each and ever pain.
Gathering up the memories we shared, Making sure I've got them all, Packing them softly because I cared, Leaving them in the boxes in the hall.
Adrian Baillie Published: Dec 2008
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
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