Well, I've been thinking about the best way to protect myself. To create the boundary that I need.
She is moving out Tuesday, and making plans to go out with OM "soon" when things "cool off" I can't and won't sit around while she actively plans on resuming the affair where it left off. It's not what I will accept from a marriage, and even a separation.
So I've decided to start divorce procedures, to let her know that I am NOT going to wait for her to get her affair out of the way. I still want her back, at least a new and improved her, but this is not what can agree with.
I'm not sure that this is or isn't DB at this point, but I'm not sure how else to show that I am not going to let this happen without consequences to our already destroyed relationship.
any ideas?
me:30 WW:29 Dated 7 years Married for 2 Bomb on 08/12/14 Separation on 09/12/14 No kids No house
I'd be interested in vets' takes on filing for D with the end goal still being to reconcile the M. Are you planning on dating during this period? If you would not even entertain the idea, even if you're not pursuing it, I would just go with a strict no-contact separation. Even if she calls you and says she's having a bad day and would like someone to talk to, if she's in a R with OM, or still pursuing one, then I wouldn't talk.
If she really needs space to figure things out, I'm not sure pressuring her with D paperwork is going to put you guys in the best position. But I also obviously don't think her sleeping around is the best thing for your M, either. But, again, I'd love to hear a vet's take on this sitch.
I'd still primarily focus on detachment. Detach and read as much as you can on this, post here frequently. Your head will clear up very quickly. Then don't get discouraged when you have a backslide. Just fight back to detachment again.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
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Hi all, she is moving out on tuesday night. I was wondering what the strategy should be for our interactions during the next few weeks while she is on her own. She is planning on seeing other people, including OM. That is going to happen, no matter what, and I have to accept it and move on.
Should I simply follow the "rules" and only respond to her when she contacts me? What if she wants us to get together for anything? I have no idea what to expect, but I was wondering what people thought.
me:30 WW:29 Dated 7 years Married for 2 Bomb on 08/12/14 Separation on 09/12/14 No kids No house
Hi jb, sorry you are here in this crappy situation but at least we are all in the same stupid boat together and can help one another.
Your story interests me as mine is extremely similar. My H had an OW at the office but it didn't really work out as the OW didn't want a relationship with him. They continue to have sex as friends with benefits as far as I know. But he has also started dating and having sex with other women. I feel that it is part of his experimentation to find himself, somewhat like your W is doing. We also have no kids, no house, no logistical reason to stick together.
The only reason I have for staying around is that we had a wonderful relationship for the most part before he went into this stupid behavior. But now he is being a selfish jerk and I wouldn't want him back as he is now. So what to do? Only you can decide what your next course of action is.
I think most vets on here would tell you to wait. There is not really a reason to file for D now, is there? I mean, yeah you want to show her you won't put up with this crappy behavior. You want to punish her. I get that. If there are financial or legal reasons why you need to start the process now I get that, but it doesn't sound like it.
My best advice to give you is the advice I got from great folks on here. Focus on yourself and do not pursue her for now. If she initiates contact, great. Do what you like, respond or not. But don't contact her for now. Act like you are just going to move on with your life, and do so! Go get a life and enjoy yourself. Act like you are fine with her moving out and doing whatever she does. Act like you are divorced already, why not. If you really want to file for D then just act like you did and wait and see if you want to after some time passes.
They say if you let her go and stop trying to control her the chances are better that she will realize the mistake she made. So the quicker you can let her out of the cage so to speak, the sooner she can realize the grass is not greener and single life is not a bowl of cherries all the time. They call it a fog that they are in and until that fog lifts your W will not see or do things in a logical way.
I hope this helps you a bit. Maybe check out my threads for some of the advice people have given me. Good luck!
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Hi all, it's been a little while. I meant to post earlier, but actually got a little busy.
She is leaving tonight, and I am actually a little relieved. I have not been able to really "detach" and I always suck us into R discussions. Maybe it's all to sudden for me.
It's been very weird having us interact positively (mostly) and then have her say "good night" and go to the guest bedroom. It's so hard to grasp that your wife is not your wife.
The other thing that is killing me is the knowledge that her OM that she "wasn't really seeing anymore" and her are flirting online more, and seeing each other every day at work. She has expressed, quite clearly, that she will be sleeping with him when he is up for it. She knows that there is no real relationship, but will explore her feelings regardless.
Man it [censored] to have your wife lust after someone else, and not really want to be in your company. Like everyone here, I keep wondering when she stopped being mine.
ANYWAY, her leaving will make it easier I hope. I am busy GAL and am planning to NOT engage her and not be available for her when she needs me. I am having trouble even wanting to think about a future together, as I am an afterthought for her right now. So I will detach, be friendly, and hope not to give in if she wants sex.
I'm still having trouble understanding why I should bother with someone who can walk away from family. Because we were a family, and she simply doubted that it was what she wanted.
The best I can do, for the next two weeks, is to keep treating her with respect, and to keep my distance.
me:30 WW:29 Dated 7 years Married for 2 Bomb on 08/12/14 Separation on 09/12/14 No kids No house
Hi all, she is coming over tomorrow to grab more things. She called me last night in tears because leaving the apt was so hard. I wasn't really helpful, and didn't say much.
I keep thinking of the idea (Sandi2 I believe said this) that she is getting her needs met by both men, sexually/physically/laugh/play... through OM and emotional/support/help... through H.
So I am planning not to engage, comfort, or be readily available as long as other men are in the picture.
My Questions are :
1. Do I tell her why I am not comforting her? Or is that something that will simply move things along with OM? (while she is in shambles, he won't get the best her)
2. I am not in the Dark or LRT, but I have trouble knowing how to be the "good" guy, keep the relationship and the stand-still, while creating my distance and detaching. Any advice? how do I respond when she is in pain? alone?... (her relationship with OM is "light" he doesn't really want to be with her)
me:30 WW:29 Dated 7 years Married for 2 Bomb on 08/12/14 Separation on 09/12/14 No kids No house
Answers: 1. No! Do not tell her why you are not comforting her. Go back to Sandi's rules. Let her sort this out for herself. Be positive around her, sympathize when she's sad (say "that must be difficult), then go about your business getting on with your life.
2. She has moved out, right? So maybe time to LRT? I think that might be recommended at this point, but I'm no vet. As long as you've expressed to her in the past that you're there if she decides to work on the marriage, then you shouldn't have to reiterate that. Now it's time to focus on yourself, not her needs.
How to respond if she is in pain? Say, "I'm sorry to see you hurting so much. It must be a difficult and confusing time for you."
Keep in mind that you don't REALLY know if her relationship with OM is "light" or not. (Don't believe anything they say.)
She will be more drawn to you if you are positive and friendly but also focused on yourself rather than her.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
My H too ... his little girlfriend OW did not want a relationship but is happy to keep things light. He experimented with that for a while and had/still has a huge crush on her. She is honest with him and tells him she doesn't want a relationship and is openly dating others, so he is too. But he is sad that she does not want to be exclusive. He is still interested in her but realizing that it is probably not continuing or getting more intense.
And also when he moved out he tried to get sympathy from me about how hard it was and how sad to tell his mom that we were splitting up, and how lonely he was. Um, sorry no I am not comforting you for the mess YOU made. I didn't ever comfort him I just ignored it.
Since I am a few months ahead of you I have a bit of advice for you. Do not make the same mistakes I made. And try what I tried that seemed to help my situation.
What was a bad idea? Whining to him about the OW. Being emotional. Being needy or clingy. Kissing some other guy in front of him (oops).
What was a good idea? Seeming like I was having a great life without him. Seeming like I was ok with the situation. Not always being available. Seeming happy and cool and mysterious. Seeming like I had changed some things he didn't like about me.
Keeping that in mind, my answers to your above questions are: 1. No way do not comfort her. Sorry she does not deserve ANYTHING nice from you right now. She is being a selfish bitch. Sorry. No. You don't have to be mean, just don't have time for her. She needs to cry alone. Preferably a lot of crying.
2. Exactly what Ahoy said. Focus on yourself and don't always be available. Take the advice people gave me which is to not contact her unless she contacts you first and to mostly not reply to non-essential messages or calls. I know it is SO hard, especially when you are trying to be the better guy. But unless the problem in your relationship was that you were too distant, you should do NC now. It works. And you don't have to do it forever. Let's say she sends you a message with some non-essential info. Take your time. Send her a message back the next day instead of right away. Another time just tell yourself you will not be replying to messages or answering calls for 2 days, and just ignore her unless there is an emergency. It gives you a feeling of control and makes her wonder why you aren't her puppet any more.
Oh and when you do communicate with her or see her do your best to seem upbeat, happy, relaxed and cool. My H seems to get tense when we don't talk for a while and when he does communicate he is cold and distant. But I take 2 approaches depending on the situation. Either 1.I am super short with my response, just one word answers, to show I'm not that interested in him or 2. I am very upbeat and friendly when he is tense. For example, if he sends me a tense question about logistics I will reply in a friendly happy way and add something like "good morning!" or "have a great day!" It seems to throw him off as he is expecting me to be angry, cold or negative. Always happy but not at all clingy.
I know it is so hard. Pick 3 small things you can do for yourself that will improve your life. Learn to cook a new dish, exercise, buy new shoes, learn to play guitar, get a new job, learn a new language. Take care of yourself.
You will feel up and down and a lot of crappy emotions. Keep focusing on yourself and making yourself better and at least at the end of the day you will be a better, more interesting person, no matter what your W does.
