Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 10 1 2 8 9 10
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Claire, you asked for link to where in my story things started to get better. I haven't a clue and I don't go back and read my story. I'm happy that other people can benefit from it but for me it's the past, it's looking backward.

And it's a long story. We were S for 2.5 years smile

The Reader's Digest version: I've had depression for a long time. I also had PPD, undiagnosed in realtime but retrospectively it's clear. I denied and ignored the issue. Fear controlled my life, I had to control everything to keep that fear at bay.

We also had a SSM and I used sex to control. That was not my plan but all sorts of defense mechanisms come in to play, don't they.

To most of the world, I seemed just fine. I was very good at wearing the mask, everything was OK, just keep smiling. However, my depression did affect all my relationships. Every one of them.

The year before H and I S, we had a short S of about a week because he was done. It was around Thanksgiving and I begged and pleaded and promised and got into IC.

Problem was I was so deep in a hole by then that it took along time to climb out. And I was still blaming him for everything that was wrong in my life. Another defense, blaming others for my stuff.

And at BD2.0, I begged, pleaded, promised, guilted, shamed, blamed. He wasn't listening this time.

I am not a Pollyanna, he had his stuff but the realities of my life in that moment were: I had depression and needed to deal with that, my husband had left me, my family was broken, my kids lives were affected negatively, I wanted another chance.

(side note-I don't blame my H for leaving. In his shoes, from his perspective, I would have left. Do I wish we could have found a better way? Sure. But we didn't. Sometimes it takes more than a polite tap on the shoulder)

When I went to my IC just after H left, I said very clearly, I don't want to be angry, resentful and bitter for the rest of my life.

That was my goal. Those were things I could control.

So I worked at it and it did take nearly 2 years before I dug me out the wreckage. But what a gift because no matter what happens in the world outside my boundaries, I'll always have me.

How did I work at it? With the help and support of my wonderful IC, my wise beyond their years sons, yoga, meditation, increased exercise, finally getting sleep, reading something to make me think everyday, practicing gratitude, learning that I control my mind, my mind doesn't control me, friends, trying new things, creating a clear vision of the life I wanted and working to make it happen.

Holding no one but me accountable for my happiness. That sounds simple on the surface but it's a complex process. Some people left my life, others entered my life. Other people became lesser players in my life, including some family members. Doesn't mean I don't love them (or they don't love me) but boundaries help keep Rs healthy.

Changing was, and still is, work. It's so easy to let our mind get into a downward spiral of what one of my yoga teachers calls, toxic thought world. It's difficult to talk back to that but we can if we really want to.

Venting goes along with that. Venting can serve a purpose but we have to be honest about what that purpose is. Is it keeping us stuck, keeping our anger alive? Who do we vent to, people who will agree with us or people who will challenge us? I'm not saying bury your emotion, I'm the last person to encourage that but look at it, feel it, figure out your part in it, listen to what it has to tell you. Venting can keep us from dealing with difficult emotions.

Often when we vent we sigh and think "OK, I'm done with that now," when we truly aren't. We've just short circuited it.

Where am I today? Just like Maya Angelou, wouldn't take nothin' for my journey now. Not just because my marriage came back together but because I now have something no one can take away from me.

Life is still full of twists and turn but I get to decide just how much I'm tossed around.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Wow, labug.

The part about venting. I definitely use venting and discover that I'm still stuck afterwards. I have friends who are great listeners, who are really good about not H bashing at all and being supportive but it surely does keep me from having to deal with difficult emotions. It allows me to place blame and keep score, two things I'm supposed to stop doing for ME!

Your last line is an incredible statement. I'm writing it down and carrying it with me.

I needed this read today. Thank you.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
claire7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
Labug,

I can't even express how much it means to me that you took the time to share your story. Thank you.

There are many similarities to our stories. I, too, failed to take responsibility for my mental health and found it comfortable to blame everyone else.

And, similarly to you, one day I just decided I could no longer live sad and anxious all the time. Like you, most people (including my H) simply had no idea how tormented I was, and how toxic my thoughts were. I got out of bed, went to work, smiled and had fun-- I was 'functional'-- but underneath there was such a vile pit of despair and self-hatred and fear. Car rides home from a night out with my H were silent because I was paralyzed by fear that we would have a car accident. I couldn't relax and enjoy his presence because I was steeling myself for a horrific tragedy. How awful and lonely that must have been for him. A small example, but representative of how I was living my life. How exhausting it was for him to constantly try to 'make me happy' and never ever succeed.

One day, I decided I had hit my rock bottom and would seek a more positive, peaceful path. I sought out help finally, stopped resisting meds, and committed to changing my negative habits. And since that day, when I feel sad (desperate, even), I know that those feelings are temporary. When I get frustrated or mad at myself, I remember that, in general, I am a wonderful person. I actually like myself for the first time in my life. When I make mistakes, I have compassion for myself-- and in turn I now have more compassion for others.

I told my H that if the only positive to come out of this was that I got the second half of my life to live happy and at peace, I would always be grateful to him for that, because I would not have come this far otherwise. When I am frustrated and angry at him, or this situation, I need to remind myself of that. Maybe he was not strong enough to stay with me, but I've shown myself to be strong enough to survive and change for the better. That's a lot. That's everything.

I am incredibly proud of myself, and the progress I've made, and optimistic for my future.

And I am also, today, emotionally exhausted. This is really, really hard.

Labug-- you were separated 2.5 years? I don't know if I could make it that long.

I'm going to copy and paste your post and keep it someplace where I can read it over and over again.

Thank you. Please know that you are in my gratitude prayers.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
I should let Labug speak for herself, but just so you know, when she approached the one-year mark of her separation she thought she was done, and then found she wasn't. I think that was a turning point for her, though.

Be well.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Claire, first, you are amazing. You've overcome a lot and whether your H ever decides to try again, you come out ahead and so does your D. Really. Don't know if you've read the last post on my thread in piecing but I think it may be inspiring. It certainly helped me. ((()))

I hear you on the morass that is depression. I wasn't so worried about accidents, I was worried about why I wondered what it would feel like to just turn the wheel and go off the side of the road. My IC knew about those thoughts, I didn't have a plan.

Yes, I realized last night I did leave some stuff out.

From the beginning I thought there was maybe a 10% chance that our marriage was salvageable. He's a person who when his mind is made up, good or bad, he doesn't change it. That's great when you stop smoking cold turkey but not so great for relationship building. smirk

He would probably have never contacted me directly for a very long while if we had not had children. I now know that he was setting a boundary, just as I encourage people to do. He needed space from me and in retrospect, that was a godsend. I think Maybell said earlier, space allows for healing. I'm grateful for that now as it did give me time to figure me out without having to be in a real R.

The 2.5 yrs always gets people but a D wasn't going to change my emotions and I wasn't ready for a new R so staying married allowed me to continue working on me without people pushing me to start seeing someone. I didn't want to look for healing in another R, I wanted to find it within me. Staying M gave me a safe space. After a point I was enjoying my life not having to worry about being with someone else. There's a lot of freedom in being single which I sometimes miss. Not everyone can or would choose that route. It worked for me.

Claire, you got a second chance and have given your D a life without a depressed mom. That's huge.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
Wow! Thanks Labug, I'm glad I choose today to get back on here (it's been a couple of weeks). I am definitely saving that! I feel like I "should" give up but just am not ready to do that so this helps!

And Claire I think you are amazing as well. I see so much strength in so many of you here I wish it would transfer thru this screen!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
Claire, I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one approaching your 1 year.

Do what you think is best for you and know that you have lots of support here!



Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
claire7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
Need to finish up this thread, so a few thoughts for the end of the day:

1) I'm tired of DBing. Does that mean I'm throwing in the towel (I'm not sure, logistically, how that would change what I do, since I rarely initiate contact, there's nearly zero R talk, etc.).. but I am just tired of being someone only a fool would leave for months and months and getting almost nothing from him.

Maybe I just need to think of it as "Life-busting." Because taking the focus off of my M might help reenergize my efforts. I am not here to "win him back." I am here to win ME and win LIFE.

2) I need to take better care of myself. My sleep patterns have been rubbish for nearly a year. That needs to change.

3) I didn't wear my ring to work today... and I hated how it felt. I think that having my ring on keeps me feeling a bit hopeful.

There's probably more to add, but I'm so tired and need to finish up some work and chores in the next hour.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
claire7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
Link to new thread:

Claire--part 7


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Page 10 of 10 1 2 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard