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"I guess I feel like I need to protect myself emotional right now."

That's the last thing you should do. Shutting yourself off from your W now will only build resentment in you. It'll eat at you like a cancer. Not saying that you totally open yourself up to her, but you can slowly start to encourage the positives with her.

"Any suggestions on how to talk about if my wife's intentions are genuine, or is this a conversation not worth having right now."

It's worth having. You don't need suggestions on how to talk. You just talk.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Lakeman Offline OP
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Thank you Mr Bond, Solid advice. I want to feel like I didn't everything I could throughout this process, and part of that is being respectful enough to myself to not be walking on eggshells.

I appreciate your time.


W 38
Me37
T14 M8
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D8
Aug 2013- BD, EA suspected
Aug 2014- EA/PA confirmed
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Lakeman Offline OP
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Talked with W lastnight. She assured me her intentions were genuine and there has been no contact since this came out in the open. She is writing the no contact letter today and we will send it together tonight. I also found a Gottman Therapist sort of close that has openings that could work.

What to expect from this point on? Any input on what the therapy will be focused on?


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Me37
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Aug 2013- BD, EA suspected
Aug 2014- EA/PA confirmed
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Lakeman,

There's a good No Contact sample letter over in Tarheel's thread...and Train's too.

The therapist needs to focus on solutions for you both to work with in going forward together as a team. No re-hashing of past hurts or scorekeeping. Look at some communication patterns that lead you to drift apart.

Have you read any of Gottman's books? If not, I'd urge you to do so. Very enlightening.

Wonka #2483364 08/30/14 03:13 PM
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Lakeman Offline OP
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Wonka, thank you for the response.

I talked to the therapist yesterday and my wife starts this week with a solo session. She said there would be exercises ( homework) for is to do. I did tell her we wanted to move forward and work on our marriage. I imagine there has to be some going backwards, my W wants to figure out why it happened. I really have no control where they go in there private sessions other than having mentioned we want solutions.

Is it possible for a gottman therapist to counsel without going into the past?


W 38
Me37
T14 M8
S8
D8
Aug 2013- BD, EA suspected
Aug 2014- EA/PA confirmed
Joined: Nov 2013
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Lakeman Offline OP
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Hope everyone had a good long weekend.

Things around our house are feeling a lot like they didn't last year when W was a daily contact with OM. She is hugging and kissing saying I love you.

My question is: even with a no contact letter and transparency plan how do I know there really is no contact and she is trying to move forward? There was so much lying and gaslighting last year I wonder if I will ever feel certain. Does it require a leap of faith?


W 38
Me37
T14 M8
S8
D8
Aug 2013- BD, EA suspected
Aug 2014- EA/PA confirmed
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 35
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Lakeman Offline OP
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Oops, a lot like they "DID" last year...


W 38
Me37
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Aug 2013- BD, EA suspected
Aug 2014- EA/PA confirmed
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"Does it require a leap of faith?"

Yes. And be aware that it is VERY common for those who have been in A's to have what they call False Starts. Sometimes they'll contact the OP sometimes they'll keep a memento from them, etc. At those points, you need to call her out on them.

A good C will be able to call her out on those. She has to be PROACTIVE in saving the M and not just say she will and not follow through.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Mar 2014
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It takes a leap of faith, yes - AND it takes the full transparency plan (complete with usernames/passwords to all emails, cell phones, apps, etc.) so you can, as Starsky says, "trust ... but verify."


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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