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Originally Posted By: sandi2
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This isn't being asked as an excuse- it's a question I'm looking for an honest answer for.


No, I have not seen a successful reconciliation as long as OM was in the picture. 

I have been active on the board for a little over seven years, and I can honestly say I do not remember ever reading of a stitch where a WAW who was in an A gradually eased out with OM b/c her feelings for the LBH were stronger than for the OM.  I have seen cases where the A eventually fizzled out.  But let me say this to you and to the others who thought maybe it might work out after the A fades out over enough time.  Just b/c an A ends does not mean the WAW will want to have anything to do with the LBH who waited around to get whatever leftovers he could.  She will have a big issue of lack of respect for him.

First of all, she doesn't respect him b/c she had an A.  Secondly, she doesn't respect him if he repeatedly compromises his integrity to get her back.    And when she doesn't respect him, she is not attracted to him.....and therefore will likely not return to the M out of love for him.  

Tarheel, how many times has your W "said" something that never transpired? How many times have you been set up, just to have another heartbreak? It is easy to tell the MC she's willing to do this & that, but come show down.....it will be a different story.  She won't deliver. 

Yes, I support transparency b/c I know how easy it would be to backslide into that secret place again.  I know the temptation, the depression, the loneliness, missing the thrill & connection with the OM.....while feeling nothing for the H. Sure she could find some way to contact OM but if she's sincere about ending the A, she will work with transparency. The transparency is not just to assure the H, but to help the W stick to her resolve.  Giving an account, as it were, goes a long way when one is truly trying to turn things around in their life.  If she is being truthful and really has ended things with OM, she won't protest to transparency, and in fact, should welcome it in order to prove she has nothing to hide. As long as she wants to keep her "privacy" and have her little secret life apart from you.....it can't be successful.  



  



Inconvenient TRUTH, right there. ^^^


whistle whistle whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Tar, I don't have any advice, just words of support. It must be a confusing time for you. On the one hand, it's great that she's agreed to MC and to working on relationship with you, on the other hand, it's clear she hasn't totally moved on in her heart from OM. The only thing that will make a difference is time.
My only advice is to give her space. Pushing too hard too soon might drive her away. Know that she will have to make this choice on her own.
I know that if my H returned wanting to work on our M, I would have a hard time demanding transparency because he would see it as controlling (one of the issues that likely drove him away in the first place).

What I would have to say to him is, "I'm not sure what can be done to rebuild my trust, but I'll be open to any ideas that you have." This would put the ball in his court, and let him know that if he wants the M he has to do the work to rebuild the trust -- it has to be worth it for him.

That being said, I would totally want a post-nup.

Anyway, keep doing whatever you were doing that got you this far along in the first place.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Tarheel Offline OP
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Thanks everyone for all the feedback and honesty. Looks like I'm going to have to start yet another new thread!

I've tried not to put a whole lot of thought into how to navigate the OM/circle of friends issue until we're back in MC on Wed. I have absolutely 0 desire to ever talk to or be in the vicinity of OM, however I do understand that some compromise may be required on my part as far as the circle of friends are concerned. 1 day at a time.

W and I just got back from a 'date' earlier. I had planned on rock climbing for something a little different, but apparently didn't pay close enough attention to the hours. W mentioned maybe us taking S12 another time. So we ended up getting dinner then the movie 'Gone Girl.' I figured she wanted to see that with her girlfriends, but she suggested we go see it. Tomorrow she asked about her and I taking the kids to a movie. Our interaction seems to be going well lately. We both seem interested in what the other person is saying and don't just talk about kids and bills, like in the past.

Ironic that I ran into one of W's best friend's H last night. They seem to be heading towards a D and quite a few people 'blame' my W. They're both verbally abusive to each other (mainly him) so maybe D is the right choice. Anyways, we only talked for a few, but I could sense his anger (his W proposed the S). So this morning I get a call from his W asking what he told me. We haven't really spoken in a while, mainly because I didn't want to involve one of W's friends, but we ended up talking for an hour and a half about each other's situations. I think it was good for both of us. She's part of the 'circle of friends', but I knew her before that.

Oh, almost forgot- W told me tonight that she closed her FB account last night (yes I double checked). Definitely a positive step and one taken without my nagging.



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Quote:
We haven't really spoken in a while, mainly because I didn't want to involve one of W's friends, but we ended up talking for an hour and a half about each other's situations. I think it was good for both of us. She's part of the 'circle of friends', but I knew her before that.


As long as you realize everything you said to her will be repeated to your W. Never confide in your W's best friend!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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