....About an hour ago i get a message from W saying.. "I know you are probably not interested but thought I should keep you informed" then outlined her plans etc.
Should i respond? If so what should i say?
My thoughts are - she didn't have to send me any message, but it could be that she's doing just that - letting me know and I'm just wanting to read something into it that's not there.
Help, anybody out there with opinions on this? Jay....
...FYI and FWIW I didn't reply to either of her messages.
It would depend on what her plans are, but in general I think that the advice you are getting to detach is really good. Glad you didn't
I also think that you are doing a good job of spending time with your daughters. There are a lot of support groups for family of Gay & Lesbians (PFLAG is one) out there to try to help you and your daughters come to grips with you W "coming out." I also think that you might want to look some up on websites and read some of their suggested materials to give you a better view of how to deal with some of your emotions that you may not have addressed.
Then probably get some conseling/therapy for you & your daughters, but NEVER do anything to express anger or hatred for their mother in front of them (or you MIL for that matter). You can express surprise and sadness, but not anger at her. Cherish your relationship with your daughters, it is something that you W seems to be willing to kick under the bus, which is really strange.
Remember that your MIL is probably afraid of you separating her from her grand daughters. Be positive, loving, don't saying anything to MIL about getting back with you W, just indicate that you are taking time to change your life, focus our your D's and want to provide them with as much stability and support as you can and that means maintaining contact with their grandmother. If can pull that off she will probably be thrilled.
You might want to expand the physical aspects of your GAL activities as well and see about including your D's in them. Try to do some walks or jogging with your D's, if you can ...or bicycling. Good luck!
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Thanks for your contribution YAH I appreciate it. You make some good points, especially in relation to MIL. We haven't heard anything from MIL for about a month now. We talked a few times after the news was broken where we said we must keep in touch to support each other and the girls, but since then nothing. Same with SIL and BIL talked on the phone and they were stunned and very kind to me and the girls. Perhaps they're all coming to terms with it now. Always had a great relationship with my in laws but, but blood is thicker than water...perhaps both sides are afraid to initiate any contact. I'm going to try and do what you suggested with her YAH. I too struggle to comprehend what's going on in W's mind regarding her relationships with her daughters. Not talking to one and hardly seeing the other - I'm doing my best to make up for that with them though.
Not much to report from home. W is back from holiday but has not been home for the last two nights. I don't know where she is or who she's with. She has been here during the day when I'm at work - youngest D saw her briefly before she left. No contact from her since that last message. She's more detached from me than I am from her! I guess if I was really detached I wouldn't care! Not quite there yet as I had some tears earlier. A hug from eldest D helped a lot.
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
Oh, one last thing. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming fast. If you go to some of the PFLAG websites they indicate that this is an extremely stressful time for people who just "came out." Part of the stress is that the holiday season is all about family and traditional roles within the family.
Your in-laws, especially you MIL probably has huge expectations regarding seeing "her family" which is probably her daughter and grand-daughters, but now you MIL has to figure out what the hell to do with her daughter, her daughters lesbian lover, and the father of her grandchildren. You MIL is probably freaked out and you W not really being there for her children probably has her more freaked out about what she wants to do to have a "traditional" holiday.
Anything you can do to proactively tell you MIL that you are there for both her and your daughters to try to give all of them the best holiday memories possible will be a blessing to her. It will be interesting to see if your MIL wants your W and her lover for the holidays and if she wants you to bring her grandchildren and leave. If that happens make sure you have an extra special Thanksgiving and Christmas with your daughters. For your oldest D, make sure she knows that her boyfriend is very welcomd.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I must speak up for I strongly disagree with Young at Heart.
Why would it be okay for Jay to accept the notion that the MIL needs to figure out what to do with her daughter's lover when it is not a "lover" in the sense that she is W's significant other?
This woman is the OW! Not a partner, lover, or SO. It is an affair partner.
YAT....I don't get why you keep referring this woman as W's "lesbian lover" as if that's the acceptable thing??! This is the AP. No ambiguity about this!!
Why do you say that W is "coming out"??! I've stated here many, many times that I've seen women go out with other women which DOES NOT necessarily mean they're lesbians. In fact, many of them do get married to men or return to their husbands. A one-time dalliance with a woman does not mean that a woman is a lesbian.
This is an AFFAIR. Period. So Jay's situation needs to be treated as such...Divorce Busting!!!
For the record, Young at Heart, I am a gay woman here. Just so you know that I know what I am talking about here and am fully aware of PFLAG.
