Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 11 of 11 1 2 9 10 11
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote:
Okay I see now. This where I'm dense about this...so each and every time she contacts me, be it in writing or in person, is she keeping me hanging on or "trying" to keep me hanging on...from her perspective? That's what I never know.


Mostly, yes. Although, she may have some emotional need herself at that particular moment that leads her to contact you. In her state of WAW fog, she may or may not truly realize her emotional need is the motivation for contacting you. And, I don't know if she's honest enough with herself to admit to her own heart that she is dangling you for her backup.....just in case. She sees it as being "confused" and not knowing what she wants. She is partly right and when the fog clears, she may be honest with herself.....but IDK if she will ever admit it to anyone. Bottom line, the WAW is going to think about herself. She is thinking about what she'll do if she can't make it in FL. That is why it is called a backup plan. When the A ended with OM, who was her backup who soothed her bruised ego?

Quote:
I am assuming if I conducted myself "properly" around her, then she leaves that particular contact with me failing her mission correct? Meaning she leaves saying to herself "I don't think he's going to be Plan B." Likewise if I screw up, her mission is successful because she got an emotional response out of me.


Well, that particular time followed what you had described as almost a fight through texting. So "her mission" in going to the store, was to see your face and how you would react when you initially saw her unexpectantly. It would let her know if you were still mad or if you were glad to see her. If she could reel you back in again, she'd feel confident you were still dangling.

Quote:
So using last night's store visit as the example here, you say I conducted myself fine...so can I assume that WAW left NOT getting that satisfaction of knowing she still has me secured as Plan B? That's where I get confused.


Not exactly. The way it turned out, she left with only the satisfaction that you were still talking nicely to her. But I think her mission of getting her foot in the door was accomplished in her perspective. First, she needed to break the ice. Next contact, she'd probably act as if everything is lovely.

This is why it works for her when you answer her texts and calls, etc. Her over-all mission is to keep you on the back burner until she decides what she wants. She isn't going to give up as long as you respond. That's why it doesn't matter how many hours or days you wait before answering. And that's why I suggested you just stop answering them.

Quote:
So last night after she left the store, do I walk away proud of myself for standing my ground and seeming to be not too invested in whatever she does now?


Be proud of how you handled her little surprise attack,

Quote:
I just need to know that I am NOT allowing her the satisfaction of me being Plan B. So I assume playing it cool like I have accepted things and moved on prevents that.


Yes, play it "cool".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
I
ItHurts Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
Deleted this post because I missed Sandi's newest reply and want to read it first.

Last edited by ItHurts; 09/07/14 03:52 AM.

ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
I
ItHurts Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
Hey Pilot. Yeah I've been thinking about what Sandi said and I think I am just not going to reply to her at all. I know she'll get mad just as Sandi said. If she asks to get together to say good-bye I won't respond. If she confronts me in person I guess I will simply tell her why should we bother? We've already said good-bye a couple times and I have no desire to replay that scene again for the 3rd time. So there's really no reason to see each other at this point. I will tell her maybe a few months or years down the road I will be able to be friends but right now I need to move on. Maybe I will make it sound like lady friend isn't thrilled with the idea either, which she probably really isn't thrilled with even though she's too nice to say that to me.

So no reply to her at all. I will read what she sends though so I can post it here, but I won't give anything she says any credence...believe none of what she says. Now once she goes to Florida, even if she leaves mad at me, I still think she will try to contact me. I don't want to hear from her unless she wants to talk R seriously...provided I am still willing to at that point should it ever come. Question is, how will I know when she is "legit" and not playing some game like last time we had a "false start?" In other words, let's say that e-mail she described she would send does come one day, where she asks me how serious I am about whomever I am with at the time because she wants to get back together? How will I know to ignore her message or not? I want to leave the possibility open just in case I don't get real serious with lady friend, or maybe someone I haven't even met yet, in the coming months. Not that I am going to sit around and wait for her either, but just in the event I am still open to talking to her about R, how do I know when WAW is being genuine?


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
IH,

I think your path is a good one however I want to speak to a few points.

Quote:
Maybe I will make it sound like lady friend isn't thrilled with the idea either, which she probably really isn't thrilled with even though she's too nice to say that to me.


Don't do this. You're an honorable man who can speak for yourself without putting your lady friend under the bus. You have a right to say to your ex-W that you have some pain to sort through after this HUGE ordeal and you need some space to do that. It's honest. It's real. It's direct. And it has nothing to do with anyone but YOU. You matter, too, remember?

Quote:
I want to leave the possibility open just in case I don't get real serious with lady friend, or maybe someone I haven't even met yet, in the coming months.


This sounds to me like your heart is really not into any ONE thing right now and that's ok. You've been through A LOT. Recognize that. Breathe that in for real! It's not fair to ex-W, your current lady friend or any future lady friend for you to leave the possibility open. It's like you're dating to see if there's anything better out there but upon realizing there isn't, you'll chase ex-W. That's not fair to them or to YOU. Wherever you choose to be - be there.

How do you know whether to ignore WAW or whether she is being genuine? Trust your gut. Post here. Think it over for a week or so after receiving an email. You have developed some great skills during this process. USE them.

Stay strong and continue to be the man you've worked so hard to become. Make yourself even prouder. You deserve that.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
I
ItHurts Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
Hey SS, well I like your advice although I don't know that telling WAW that I am sorting through some pain is the best idea. That will only give her more confidence that she still has me as Plan B. She needs to think I have moved on no? As far as leaving the possibility of R open...all I mean is I don't want WAW to NOT contact me if indeed at some point she is serious, just because I ignore her. I mean if I am single and I still want to try and save what we had, even if our divorce has already gone official on November 17, I'd like to at least know that. That's what I mean, not that I will be sitting around waiting and avoiding whatever my future brings me. I just mean that if, say in a few months, WAW really wants to try and work things out...and I am in a place where I am still willing as I would be now, I want her to let me know. So I am wondering if I ignore her as I plan to, if that will prevent her from contacting me in the future with any serious R intentions. Know what I mean? In other words, is ignoring her and her possibly leaving for Florida mad at me going to prevent that down the road or will she do it anyway?


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
Why are you trying to get her to think what you want her to think? What she thinks should be none of your business, and it sounds like you're trying to strategize like a chess match. Be authentically you and try to stop attempting to manage other people's thoughts.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
I
ItHurts Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
Okay so WAW texted me this morning about 10 minutes ago. Today is my birthday so I kind of expected a text of some kind. In this text she tells me that her aunt died (she wasn't very close with her though)and that she wanted to send me Happy Birthday wishes before the day gets crazy making arrangements for her aunt. She told me she hopes my day is a good one.
Of course I am going to ignore this text and not reply at all. The family wasn't close to this aunt really. In fact in the 18 years we were together even I only saw this woman about 3 or 4 times.

So I am going to totally ignore WAW's text. I'm sure by the end of the day WAW is going to blast me and yell at me for not replying...but we kind of expected WAW to get mad once I started ignoring her. I will keep you all posted.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Happy Birthday!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
I
ItHurts Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
Thanks so much Sandi!!! Much appreciated! I haven't replied to WAW! Proud of myself even though I feel a bit guilty for not.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Page 11 of 11 1 2 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard