He wants to work on it. I was saying good bye last night before the big move and he started an R talk. It was a ver long and emotional talk, and in the end he decided he wants to take things slow but he wants to repair the R.
I'm still moving out and we'll live apart while making an effort to heal together.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Another long communication session today. I'm so exhausted.
One of the things that struck me was when H communicated he's pissed and angry it took him wanting to leave for me to be willing to address my addiction. He's hurting and upset.
We both sobbed as we talked, me more so. Walls are coming down though.
I'll write more about my piece when I'm finished moving stuff.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
My H has communicated that he's angry that it took him leaving for me to understand that my behavior was unacceptable. Ironically, it took him leaving for me to realize that HIS behavior was unacceptable to me, too, BUT this isn't about that. I can make changes, changes I've wanted to make forever but blamed him for my inability to make them (crazy? yeah.). I'm done with blame. I'm done with distractions, avoidance, attacking... I can only control ME and that's what I will do.
I'm so emotionally fried I don't know how to write this post, but I feel like I want to.
We did so much crying today, so much general talking. H keep stuff so buried inside, I found out things he'd never told me before -- as far as R stuff he'd kept inside and not communicated. Some of it good, some of it not so good.
Communication is definitely a weak point for us, and we need to work on it. H refuses to go to C, though, which is a shame.
Anyway....we talked about how no one's actions exist in a vacuum. You do something and it affects me and so I respond and that affects you...and when those are negative things on each end, it builds and builds until both parties are tired and fed up and it explodes. For instance, when my addiction made him feel neglected, he internalized that by not helping with responsibilities around the house, which then made me feel like I was the only one who did anything, which made me resent him enough I didn't want to be intimate, which....
Basically: we both played our part in our demise and we both need to play apart in changing so that our R is happy and healthy.
I did a lot of moving today -- up and down stairs, so I'm physically exhausted too. We've got a lot of conversations to have, he and I, but I know this R isn't going to be fixed over night and anything can still happen. Slow and easy going is how it's going to be.
I didn't say anything more than my last post did, sorry. I'll come back tomorrow after I've had a good night's rest.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
So much for "good night's rest". I tossed and turned a whole bunch, and didn't really get any quality sleep.
My gut's a mass of swirling anxiety, too. There's so much ground H and I need to cover and while I know slow going is the best plan, I'm an impatient and hot-headed person by nature. I'm quelling those impulses so hard it's making my mind spin like a wheel in neutral.
He's thawing, in little increments. He's a pessimist and I'm an optimist, so we see things totally differently, and that's a challenge. But baby steps.....
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
