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Whooooo! Thanks for the laughs! laugh

Here's a Gobstopper for your efforts, sweetie.

Originally Posted By: GGG
You guys ROCK and I really think I'd be in the kooky house if it weren't for this board!


Honey, you're already in the MLC Kooky House...as if you don't already know by now. Now...there's a nice sauna down the hall right next to the MLC Museum.

Last edited by Wonka; 08/20/14 01:09 AM.
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Thought there were strippers and bars! Lol


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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SO--CHECK OUT THIS FASCINATING UPDATE!!!!

Last night I sent GUBU a text--putting on my BGPs, and making an emotional bid. (Yes I'm reading Gottman.)

Me: "That wasn't easy to talk about, (the OW leaving, me needing help, "the future"), so I do appreciate your listening to what I had to say, and for being concerned about my welfare."

He sends: "Night"

Me: "And there is no one I'd want to help me more than you, so if you can, that would be my choice."
----------------------------------------

That was all the communication until he got here this evening to do chores. I didn't see him, was busy inside.

H: After he left: "Hope you're OK"
H: "I may need you to cover tomorrow if Male Co-worker and I need to take the new (OW's position) candidate to dinner. I'll keep you posted."

(IMPRESSIVE!)
Giving me his plans and mentioning the "(ow's) position" that caused so much trouble last night.
He even mentioned the specific department, which he has avoided saying for six months now.
The Village: "Those about whom we do not speak"...Wow.

I was waiting to respond, then THIS:

H: "And BTW, since you are so concerned about my mental health, I have been seeing a guy for over a month...."


I KNEW IT!!! WONKA WAS RIGHT!!!
That was the mystery appointment that Friday.

I bet it WAS the special sexual behavior clinic. It all makes sense.
They refer patients out to specialists after the lengthy Friday evaluations.

Wow. I mean. WOW.
------------------------------------

I am not going to let myself go down the road where this "guy" might be advocating Viagra + Dating to fix the sexual "problem".

I'm just going to be happy!
I'll sure I'll get some more information later if I keep the lines open.

I stopped nagging him--and he DID IT ON HIS OWN.
And not for me. For HIMSELF. This is SO much better.


So all those weird MIAs were not "dates", they were therapy appointments!
I'm so glad I didn't get all bent out of shape about it and give him grief.

Again, this would have been good information to know, but for whatever reason, he wanted to keep it private.
I'm just glad he's done it.


Stinkin' Thinkin' indeed!!!! All that stressing for nothing. smile

I am really proud of him. There is a man in there somewhere.
--------------------------

So I just texted back: (Trying to validate and make another emotional bid)

"I am OK, thanks."

"BTW, I am impressed that you decided to pursue that on your own...and even more that you shared it with me."


!!!!!! How was THAT??????

I am really proud of my performance last night. It wasn't perfect, but it was a far cry from what I would have been able to pull off a few months ago.

I created a safe environment for him to share, knowing that I was not going to blow up or go off.
I showed some emotion in my face, but was pretty darn under control.

Perhaps now he might feel safer to tell me more.
Time will tell.

BUT THIS IS BIG NEWS!

And yes, I know it could mean nothing for "me" or for "us" but it's a HUGE step for him, in the right direction, finally.
And the fact that he shared that with me is also huge.

GO ME!

Georgiabelle, I did land that triple toe leap sow-cow reverse split thingy on the ice. I think I did. Maybe a solid 8.5. smile

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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GGG,

This is what happens when you drink the STFU juice and bide your time. Good job!

The only advice I would offer is to be very sparing with your emotional bids because the MLCer, while in the crisis, cannot handle too much of it. I've read Gottman's books and I think those emotional bids are good for people who are already in healthy R's/M's. Those emotional bids are what bonds a couple and builds up the R.

MLC? Not so much. The MLCer is a different animal altogether and I think Gottman wouldn't know what to do with it if it hit him right on the nose.

Just be mindful of this, ok?

Another thing--

Me: "And there is no one I'd want to help me more than you, so if you can, that would be my choice."

Try to be a tad more careful with this type of approach. To me, in reflecting back on my MLC experience, it just introduces more pressure on an already stressed state of mind for the MLCer. We're fragile...remember?

I'm not seeing GUBU stepping up much in helping you out with the farm chores. If you have to as the occasion arises, go ahead and hire that young Huck Finn guy for certain tasks/jobs to reduce the burden on you. smile

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Good feedback, Wonka.

I haven't digested all the Gottman stuff yet, but my Goaty Sense tells me that GUBU does need a little propping up in the ego department.
(And other departments, but we won't go there...)

Thinking back on our talk last night, and how he really seemed to be negatively responding to that "you're not the person anymore" statement I made, I wanted to clarify that I wasn't looking to bring in anybody, that I would prefer that he help me.

It's honest. He can decline. I said "IF you can." But I see what you mean.
-----------------------------------------

I was trying to do a bass-akwards "Words of Appreciation" LL approach.

I agree; a sprinkling of this is best---just a peanut every now and then.
"Intermittent Rewards" work best anyway!

(Remind me one of these days to tell you about my childhood friend, Tuffy the squirrel. I had a LOT of patience as a lonely kid.)


His other LL to GIVE is "Acts of Service"; that's pretty much it for him.
So allowing him to "do" for me, really appreciating it, (and I admit, over time I took it for granted because I was resentful about so many other things. You know--quit mowing the lawn and TALK to me, for Pete's sake!), is a 180 for me.

I was surprised when he fixed my bike.
That, for him, is a loving act.
-------------------------------------
Allowing him--not telling him-- to do more around here might give me more opportunities to appreciate what he does for me.
I am sparing about asking unless I really need something.
But he really does seem to like it when I ask for his help with the things he's good at.

I won't push--I just opened the door a crack.
I am OK with him saying "no".
So--NO EXPECTATIONS.


But I will take your advice.

I gave him a little opening, a peanut or two.

Now it's time to just sit in my swing and see whether the squirrel comes back...Maybe there's a peanut in my pocket, maybe not.
But I didn't spook the squirrel!

Or the Amoeba travels to the brighter side of the Petrie dish...

Or... shoot. I'm out of metaphors.

It's all good in the Triple G hood tonight.

----GGG

((((HUGS, AND DRUGS!!!!)))))
Yes, another sleep aid tonight and then I should be good with a few solid zzzzzs under my belt.


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Cadet,

I want to respond to your other statements.

You pegged it weeks ago when you said he was in replay.

No doubt about it. He has a long way to go.

I don't expect that I will be able to hold out until his crisis is over; I might have moved on by then, especially if he does divorce me.

So even with glimmers of my former H in there, I am under no illusion that he will soon change for the better, if ever.

As for what I want my life to look like, it wouldn't look much different from how it does now, with the exception of having a livable house, less animals to care for, no crazy husband.

No husband at all would be just peachy with me.
If this one doesn't finish baking before the timer goes off, I think that will be my last attempt at matrimony.

I am happy on my own, just wish I had less responsibilities so I could travel and socialize more. I'd like to make more money performing, DJing, and selling my sculpture.

I like my life. I like who I am, my animals, my farm, my friends.
I have many things which give me joy----I've had my share of pain too, especially now, but I'm still a happy, positive person overall.

I find life to be a great adventure. This has been a hell of a chapter, but it ain't over yet!

-------------------------

I find my ability to detach comes and goes. It's harder being in closer contact with him. It leaves me more vulnerable.
But I'm working on it.

I'm sure if I moved to Switzerland after hitting the lottery, I'd be detached in a hurry!


Thanks for the guidance, Cadet.
I hope I am not letting you down.

I do get a little wacky sometimes with anxiety.

At least I've learned to ramble on here and not in the real world.
I'm really not as crazy in real life.
I mean, not usually!

You have a great night, wherever you are.

Your Pal,

-----GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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GG,
It's time to think about hiring someone to help out w/those heavy lifting/duty jobs around your place. Try not to put any pressure on your h because he can't handle it right now. Also, when texting him, keep your texts very short and to the point. H's brain is full of cobwebs and he can't focus on a lot of words. Okay?

You've focused on your h quite a bit and it's time to turn the focus back on to you, your health and well being. I know you want him back and you love him dearly, but your journey is calling you and you need to continue moving forward. You can leave the door ajar and if your h so wishes, he can open it further and step into the room and join you along the way. Give him plenty of space and time and when he comes over, be yourself.

BTW, it's time for a new thread. You are over the 100 posting limit by 16 and your thread may lock soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: GoatGal
I hope I am not letting you down.

No - you are not letting me down,

I have NO EXPECTATIONS. smile smile smile

I guess the point I am trying to make is that you have
the CONTROL of YOU.
That is not up to him, so guide yourself in the direction
that you want to be.
He is not going to help,
if he does that is a bonus.

Keep moving forward.


Me-70, D37,S36
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