One Year After Separation: I want my WAW Back

[Spacey]

Well, I woke up today feeling like I'd been stabbed. It's like that big, gaping emotional wound in my chest has been torn open again, and I'm not entirely certain why. I'm also as anxious as I've ever been.

Best idea I've been able to come up with is that I had an emotionally charged dream. I don't generally remember my dreams, and I don't remember any from last night, though I did wake up believing my phone was ringing (which it wasn't).

So yeah, this morning I'm feeling a bit rough.

I have a little bit of work to do around the house, but I think I'm going to push that back a bit and go for a walk or something to calm down.

[Spacey]

I ended up getting asked by a friend to help out with their observatory tour last night, which was a lot of fun. I got to spend the evening showing off the university's telescope, and there was a half decent turnout! Lots of people were hoping to see the northern lights -- and apparently a few of them succeeded -- but by the time I had the opportunity to look for them, the moon was up, and all hoped seemed lost.

My friends and I drove out into the countryside after the tour wrapped up, just to give it a fighting try anyway, but we still couldn't see anything.

I had a fairly packed late morning/early afternoon planned, but another friend called this morning asking if I'd spot her while she went rock climbing, and that turned into my day. It was good to get out of the city, and it's been a while since she and I have had the opportunity to talk and hang out. She's been going through a lot this summer herself, so was good to feel like I was on the listening end of complaining and able to offer up emotional support, rather feeling like the only one who has needed to lean on someone over the past little while.

The rock climbing and hiking were pretty tiring, but I want to get some jogging in tonight, and then hopefully get to bed early. It was an exhausting afternoon, but I'm so close to fitting into my "skinny" jeans, and really want to be able to wear them by the time the temperatures crash and I'm back to wearing long pants. The winter jacket I bought from the vintage clothing store back in the spring, though, fits like a glove now, and I'm really excited about getting to bust that thing out once the snow starts to fly!

[Spacey]

Back from the jog. Normally I wouldn't update just for this, but while out I could really feel the strength coming back to me. I found myself smiling, and just generally feeling... OK. Not great, but definitely OK. I'm sure this is all going to be fleeting, but it's a big, big step forward for me. A flit here, a flit there, and if I can keep that up, I may find some genuine stability again.

While out with my friend this afternoon -- this is the close mutual friend of both W and I -- I got some interesting insights into my wife's current situation and thought patterns.

She's definitely going through something. As I've suspected, she's probably been going through it for quite some time now. While I don't feel sorry for my wife -- that feels a little too condescending -- I have a lot of sympathy for her right now. The white hot rage of a couple of weeks ago is gone, and all that's left is a desire for her to be happy. But from what I'm hearing, she's very much not the woman I fell in love with. So, with that confirmed, I'm officially standing down. It's been almost 14 months now since BD, and while I love my wife dearly, and wish to have her back, that woman currently isn't her. There's nothing left to work on, except me.

[Spacey]

Well, it's a whole new world for me starting tomorrow. In the morning I have to head into the university for lab prep, and then after lunch I have to head cross town for the first meeting of my internship. This should be interesting.

I went out for coffee with W's and my mutual friend again today. She told me that she's moving in with W in November, which is really good to hear. W's a very social person, and I know having someone else there with her will make her feel a lot better. Unfortunately, they're kind of pushing each other to date, but I'm making sure that's none of my business. I even had to tell her today that it wasn't appropriate to tell me about W's dating. But still, I'm really, really glad that W's going to have a friend there.

It does sound a bit like I might be getting the furballs more or less permanently starting in November, since there's going to be a lot less room over there. If that's the case, I'll let W keep them until the end of October. This puts me in a position where I'm going to have to break no-contact to deal with this, though, and I'm just not quite there yet. I might have to meditate on this for a week or so, just to get my head on straight, before I give her a call.

I noticed the other day that I was nearly on pace to drop 4 pounds this week, so I really pushed myself the last couple of days. I just about did it, too! But I won't be pushing myself like that again! Not on the calorie count, at least. Between the bushwhacking and rock climbing yesterday, and the running last night and tonight, plus the urge to restrict my diet the last couple of days, I'm beat up and not feeling super great.

Still, it's nice to achieve a goal! I'll be dialing this one particular goal back in the future, though.

Oh, and my next size down of pants almost fit. It'll probably take me yet another week, truth be told. They're reasonably comfortable to wear now, but they're not leaving much to the imagination in some key regions right now. So, I'm super psyched about that (the almost having new pants, not the way they show off my goods (although....)).

[Wet]

Hey Spacey, I'm just dropping you a note to tell you great job in starting your new adventure. Enjoy the moment!

[Spacey]

Thanks, Wet!

So, something unexpected happened this morning. W emailed me, asking for help fixing her cell phone. I thought about ignoring it, but figured that since I wanted to talk to her soon anyway, I'd just reply. There was a brief exchange, and I could tell something wasn't right. I should have picked up on it right away -- her phone has been having issues for a couple of months now, so why is she getting in touch today?

I phoned her after work, just to say hi, and to try and reassure her that everything's going to be alright. Then tonight, I went over to her place to fix her phone. Mutual Friend was over for supper, so it was really nice having her there to kind of cut the tension.

Anyway, my thoughts about her struggling were confirmed. You know, a year ago she believed I was the cause of her problems. Now I'm not there, but she's still suffering from her problems. I really feel for her.

She noticed that I've lost weight, and commented on it. She noticed my haircut, and just generally said that I look really different. That was really nice to hear.

I think my pets are mad at me for disappearing. I wasn't getting a friendly reception from the furballs. I'm not ready to resume regular contact at this point, so I guess they'll be upset at me for abandoning them for a little while longer, but it was really, really good to see my family again. Even if it's struggling, and in pieces, it was nice to see that (despite W's struggling) everyone's doing OK.

W won't listen to me when it comes to getting professional help. She can't shake the stigma. Our mutual friend, and her possibly future roommate, deals with people struggling with mental health, though, so hopefully she'll be able to help W out. Maybe she'll even be able to do what I couldn't and get her into counselling.

I'm going to keep my fingers crossed on that one.

[Spacey]

Woke up today again absolutely beaten down by anxiety. W called last night while I was at work, but I didn't have my phone on me so I didn't see until I got home. I was worried something was wrong, so I phoned her back and accidentally woke her up.

About an hour later, she phones again saying that she can't sleep, and would like someone to talk to. She sounded like she was in distress, so I went over to her place for a bit.

Holy crap was distress the right word.

She's completely freaking out, worried about money (she's overspending, and has been self-medicating with shopping these last few months, and the realization that she's been spending money she doesn't have is creeping upon her), lonely, and beating herself up. I feel really bad for her, but she still refuses to acknowledge that she has any kind of emotional problem that she needs to address. She just thinks that she's losing at life, doesn't know why, but that there's nothing she can do about it.

Again, I feel really badly for her -- I want her to be happy! -- but I just can't handle this right now. I know I'm going to get another phone call tonight, which means I'm going to have to talk to her about not phoning me until I'm feeling better. I gave an inch on helping her with her phone, and she's going to attempt to take a mile on this one now.

Worse, the more I process things, and the better I feel about life, the more interest I have in the woman I was dating last winter/spring. Last I heard, she's moved on to someone else, so it's not like I can act on this interest (which is good -- I really need to sort out what it is I really want, which could take months, and I don't want to play with anybody else's feelings), but, of course, it's exactly as I'm trying to process my emotions about someone else that W manages to re-insert herself back into the picture.

Ugh.

[Spacey]

Oh man, are we back? Finally? Fingers crossed!

So, the past few days have been fairly rough. Just general anxiety really getting to me. I haven't been sleeping well, I've been exercising too late into the evening, I've been a bit stressed with work and with my savings pretty much running dry, and it has really been getting to me. I've spent a couple more days this week walking instead of jogging, too, and that hasn't been good for my anxiety, either.

I've reached the point where I'm really mourning my relationship from back in the spring. I've had these feeling bottled up for quite some time now, and it will be good to finally process them. This has been more difficult than I thought it would be, though, as, unlike with my feelings for W, where there seems to be a gradual progression toward acceptance of where things are today, I'm starting to get less accepting toward the end of that relationship.

I hope this is just part of grieving. I hope it will pass quickly enough. That's another relationship that isn't getting rekindled anytime soon, and I'm not looking to hop on the "let's pine for all of my exes one after another" train.

On the plus side, my old pants fit! Well, they fit a lot better. They're still a little tight around the hips, but I can get away with wearing them in public now, even if it's difficult to put things in my pockets. If I can drop another inch, I'll be golden!

So far, working at school has been a lot of fun. My second class is tomorrow night, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's great getting to work with friends again!

[Spacey]

One more update before heading to bed, 'cause my journaling impulse has been all bottled up the last few days.

Managed to do my circuit (8 km/5 miles) in 58 minutes (basically 58 minutes exactly) tonight. That's a new record for me, having shaved off 2.5 minutes from my previous best. I also set a new personal best time for a full km at 6 minutes 49.

Since I started tracking my calories consumed and calories burned (Aug 15) I have racked up a Calorie deficit of approximately 57700 Calories. That's about 16.4 lbs in in 38 days, or 5 weeks 3 days, or almost exactly 3 lbs per week.

If luck is with me, the sidewalks will stay ice free until late November. Let's say 2 months from today. Keeping up this pace, I will drop another 26.3 lbs, for a grand total of 42 or 43 lbs since I've started.

I don't have a target weight, since I don't think weight obsession is a healthy endeavour. As I've mentioned previously, I don't own a scale. If I can keep this pace up until the snow falls, however, I'll be happy. I'll have slimmed down significantly, and I'll have put on a good amount of muscle. I carry most of my weight around my core, so I won't be dropping below a 34" waist, but I'll be able to wear some of my 8 year old shirts!

The best part, though? I'm finally really starting to recognize that face in the mirror.

My other 180s and GAL goals are progressing more slowly. I'm going to try and get out with friends a little more, but money's tight. Tutoring's slower than I had hoped, and I'm still fighting with unemployment. Hopefully that'll all be resolved in the next couple of weeks, but it means I'm going to have to borrow more money from my parents for October's rent. Hopefully this'll be the last time.

My internship's progressing slowly. The company's just moved into its offices last week, which was a bit of a surprise to me. I think I'm going to work from there two days a week, and home the other three. I've already s tarted researching my project, and I'm thinking, if I can find all of the resources I need to complete it, I'll have it done in relatively short order. I might even have enough time to spare to run some more rigorous statistical analysis on the outcomes, which is exciting. I'm hopeful about getting a strong reference out of this gig, even if a paying position never materializes.

Alright, I have to get to bed. I'm hoping, and praying to the gods, that I'll actually have a good night's sleep tonight.