Que Sera Sera

[AJM]

Oh, they hear it. It's not that they don't hear the words, it's how they hear the meaning and how they handle it that seems twisted sometimes...

I do think he though about it. But here is another thing, do I think these things for self preservation? Do I have these thoughts to make it hurt less for me? Do I think about him in a way that he is miserable and not happy because it makes it easier for me? (that sounds so sick and twisted- but it is the way I feel!)

AJ, how did you do that? How did you make an uncomfortable sitch like this and ease it? What was your perception, if I may ask? Or how could I pertain it to my own thinking?

I can't tell you what will work for you.

I honestly do not know.

But since you asked

Do you think these things for self-preservation? I understand that thought because I've had it as well. I still do sometimes. It reminds me that crazy people never question their sanity, but sane people do. You are a healthy person for asking that question. I know it seems odd, but given the situation, it seems very rational to ask that question. Why? Because you don't want to be the person that helps themselves at other's expense and pain.

I think in the end, it came down to this for me - No, I don't have those thoughts because I am trying to make myself feel better. I have nothing to feel badly about. My ex tried to make me feel bad. No question. And I did for a long time. She tried to get me to question my sanity, my parenting, my partner picking skills, myself...basically all the things important to me.

Know what? She doesn't have that control. She can try to get me to do something. But at the end of it all, I have to look in the mirror and like what I see. I have to live with my choices. I have to be responsible for how I see the world around me.

The world hasn't changed.

My view of it has. Again and again and again...

When I was a child, I was very trusting. Now that I'm an older child, I am very trusting of people to a point.

Has my view of people changed? Not really. I have more experience than I did then. I make different choices, but I don't for a second think the world is different. I am not "different". I am more experienced than I was. Nothing more.

The BD and the rest of the nuttiness that goes on? It's a point in time. A point in time that you'll back on and either be really angry about or look back on and smile (because it happened). But no matter what happens. No matter what your XH does. No matter what comes your way today, tomorrow, or after that... you'll still be you and you'll have to look in the mirror and like what you see or change it.

As for your XH? He has a long way to go. He may have hit a false bottom, but he hasn't hit bottom most likely.

Should you sit around and wonder if he's going to get healthy etc? Or should you expect that he won't and live your life accordingly?

I chose the latter and I'm glad I did.

Don't get me wrong. There have been times. Recently my father passed away unexpectedly. I found myself angry at my ex all over again. Sure there are reasons I should be angry with her, but none of them are worth my time. I think what I was experiencing was the grief and her meddling at the same time - I associated her meddling and venom with my pain and was taking it out on her.

That lasted about 10 minutes.

Years ago, that might have ended in a shouting match or who knows?

My gf and I ran into my ex at the supermarket the other day. Not like we're old friends. We didn't acknowledge each other or anything (her back was turned to me, but she was a few steps in front of me in the parking lot). Later, I said something about how my ex didn't look happy. I have no idea what's going on in her life, so for all I know she could have just got a flat tire or a been in an accident. She's no different now than somebody I used to know, to be honest.

The scars do last a long time. I know plenty of people that still feel the divorce scars years later.
But that's not to say I harbor ill-will toward her. I recognize when it's not her that I'm angry/sad/happy/etc toward. I recognize that she tried for about the last 8 years to vilify me and antagonize me etc. I recognize that I am the only one that can grant her the power to make that have an impact. Without me giving her that power over me, she is just a face in my past that did something I would have preferred she not for reasons I can't fathom. Please pass the coffee...


It may take a while my friend, but if you start with small things now, you'll eventually be free of him. You'll have to start with wanting to be free of him of course. All the good, the bad, the ugly. Then you'll have to start taking steps to be free of the anger, the happiness, the passion associated. The good times will always be there, but the rest will fade away.

Don't question your feelings so much. I applaud that you are worried about it. I do. But recognize that life is short and if your xH doesn't want to be there, and if you can't understand why he did what he did, well - it happened and you need to have your life anyway. He doesn't want to be part of it, but that doesn't give you an excuse to lay down and die. Or to waste your life being angry etc.

Get the anger out where it belongs. It belongs to him. i.e. he gave you a bucket of anger and asked you to hold it. Give it back. Find out who you really are without him around. I think you may really like what you find.


That help?

AJ