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Originally Posted By: abbey1989
Am I supposed to try to make him feel better now when I feel horrible?


Actually, that's pretty much EXACTLY it. It's pretty twisted, but he is playing the martyr here, and wanting you to basically "exonerate" him for what he's done, and relieve his guilt.

While we say around here that "it's not your job to punish him," (and that's true) -- it's also not your job to RESCUE him.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I think that it's designed to make him feel less guilty and to 'comfort' you. Like, "don't think this is easy for me, not pretending I'm just fine, hope it helps you to know I truly do care and hope you have the strength to get through'. My ex said those same things to me.

The question is what is your best plan? You can either do the straight no contact, or you can try to go friend zone. I know true NC isn't possible with children, etc.

Talk to your DB coach for sure. In my case I was told being friendly was better for my WAS, but my sitch is different in many ways. Might turn out that letting him see what he's missing is best, and also gives you some time to learn who you are and set boundaries. Either way this is an important enough decision I would ONLY trust my DB coach on.

Stay strong. I don't know what the stats show as far as reconscilliation and know this can be frustrating, but it doesn't seem terrible that he has a lot of positive associations. True, that may mean other issues must have seemed larger, but then will your growth and 180s make that much more impact?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
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So over the last month, my 50th bday came and went but H sent me flowers with a card "I Love You" made me happy. He even transferred a good sum of money for a trip that I was taking with my best friend to wine country that weekend. Since then, he has been picking up the dogs, taking them to the dog park, meeting with S23 for dinner now and then and visiting with D20 in Norcal when he has traveled there (but not every time he is there).

So this past Sunday, my S23 and I were at my parent's house for dinner, and a friend text me indicating that one of my son's friends had seen H at a bar with another woman a couple of towns over from where I live. She said she had been struggling with telling me, but that this friend of my sons had taken a picture and did I want to see it? Of course I said yes. Low and behold, it was of him (side view) and the OW I have been suspecting (just the back of her head) but I know it is her. I was so upset, told my son, and I do believe he had a right to know since his friend was the one who had seen H at the bar and took the picture. Well.......my son texted H, H called him and I guess my son really gave it to him. He tried to tell him that he rides bikes in a bike club and they go out for drinks after. Apparently though, this OW had her legs up on his legs at the bar (not in the picture) but son's friend said so. Friend thought it looked like a date.

I've talked to H about it, and since I have kind of known about this for a long time, and did get some clarity about how he got to involved with building her house, and part of why he moved out of our house was to just be finished with it (house and her?) not sure.

So after Monday, none of us were able to reach H either by text, email or phone. We really thought something was terribly wrong. I finally texted him two days later and said if one of us doesn't hear from you before the end of the day I'm going to call OW or police. In addition have I mentioned, none of us actually know where exactly he is living. Is that strange for separated couples?

Anyway, now my H is turning everything around on both of the kids saying they don't believe him all because of stupid picture, and he is livid that someone even took a picture. He told them he has lost all of their respect because of this picture. (Son told me....well he shouldn't be doing sketchy *hit) He has turned it around, trying to make them feel really bad, and that they are hurting him. True....I guess this is none of their business, but all of this has effected our whole family.

Should I just keep out of relationship between H and my kids? They are grown adults. It is just hard to have such disharmony with everything else that is going on. Is H being overly dramatic about this? I think he is finally having to come to terms with the consequences of his actions.

Any advice?


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Jun 2014
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Sorry to hear about your separation. My H's PA was revealed 1 day before our 29th anniversary. He moved out two weeks later saying ILUBNILWU. I feel your pain. I broke down several times today and had to take a xanax just to keep from totally losing it. I recommend trying to find a DivorceCare group in your area to meet with. It's for people who are separated as well as divorced or planning either of those options. My group has just met 3 times and I have found them to be extremely supportive. Also I am all for getting meds from your doctor if needed. One thing I have learned in my DivorceCare group is that the pain one experiences when going through this is as bad or worse than the pain involved with losing a loved one. My H has been gone since June 15th and I am still raw. Hoping to get lots of support and advice from this site.


Me: 54
H: 58
Married: 29 years
Together 33 years
H admitted to A: 5/29/14
H moved out :6/15/14
OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H
D23
D18
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