It's amazing to me that someone so passive actually took the step to move out of the house.
I gave him some suggestions/options and told him to let me know.
Amazing, isn't it? My H is by no means a passive guy. He's very outgoing, a successful businessman, community leader, and was certainly never passive in our M. But it seems like I'm doing all the work around his moving out. Writing the S agreement, coming up with the words to tell the kids, suggesting a reasonable parenting schedule. He just never thinks about those things. He thinks about whether the pool is closed in the condo building he wants to rent (did I mention we have a pool at our house?) but not how his leaving is going to affect our kids or what steps we need to take for their welfare. I understand that the kids have been largely my role until now, but if he wants to move out, then he needs to step up.
I know this has been covered on other threads - but I wonder if having to tell the kids (whenever that happens), and making him participate in that conversation, will jolt him a bit. I suspect he thinks I'll just handle that while he stands by mutely.
I also told him that I would participate in mediation instead of an adversarial lawyer v lawyer, but I'm not going to do any of the work for him. And it should be very clear, that "we" are not divorcing, he is divorcing me. I really can't see him doing that, but of course I couldn't see him having affairs or leaving either.
Telling our daughter didn't seem to jolt my H much. He stood firmly. Surprisingly so. I was the one who was quiet for no other reason than I couldn't get words out without crying. He saw that and controlled the convo.
If we get a divorce I also want it noted that "we" are not divorcing. I'm not sure if it matters legally though. I wouldn't lift a single finger to help with the divorce. It's not a mutual decision at all and I'm not going to help in any way. If it comes to that in my sitch, I am sure I'll be accused of "dragging my feet" but if he wants it, he can do it.
raliced, If there is ANY chance at all of avoiding the L vs L traditional divorce do it. In Ohio, there are 2 routes. D and dissolution. With D the court divides assets and sets parenting schedule and CS. With dissolution the S's divide assets, sets parenting schedule, and CS. As an example, in my sitch I would have had the boys every other weekend and 2 wednesdays a month in a D. With a dissolution I get them 3 days on, 3 days off, 4 days on 4 days off. Support in a D would have been $800, in the dissolution it will be $200. Plus there are no hearings, testimonies, or invasive questions to the kids from childrens services. traditional D is adversarial by nature. Dissolution is cooperative by nature.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I also will not lift a finger to help. I did my homework real quick regarding assets and support and visitation. When she finally brought it all up I put the talk off a week. She brought it up again and I was prepared. We split things up pretty fast. We agreed immediately on almost everything. Cooperating on the remaining issues forced us to interact as adults and get along. Once she set the date with the attorney I went along and we laid it all out in front of him. I cautiously refused to pay any of the bill. I would have quickly backed down on that one if she would have started leaning towards D.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
We don't have dissolution in CA - but I'm not particularly concerned about an adversarial divorce. I believe that we should be able to work out the particulars between ourselves and then hand that agreement to a mediator. I'm just saying, I'm not going to do the legwork of finding a mediator, making appts, etc. And I know its a little thing - but he should have to pay for all the costs of actually divorcing (if we get to that point- still thinking positive).
Our finances are pretty simple - and he has such a complicated schedule that changes so frequently that I don't think it could even be codified in an agreement - we would just have to set a goal of a certain amount of time.
There might be one or two sticky points (he cashed out a retirement plan that I am entitled to 50% of) but I'm sure we can work something out around that.
Of course - there is an OW involved and lots of people keep telling me that if she gets involved he might not be so agreeable....
If we get a divorce I also want it noted that "we" are not divorcing. I'm not sure if it matters legally though. I wouldn't lift a single finger to help with the divorce. It's not a mutual decision at all and I'm not going to help in any way. If it comes to that in my sitch, I am sure I'll be accused of "dragging my feet" but if he wants it, he can do it.
Agree. The only way I will file is if it becomes a financial necessity. Legally, in my state it makes no difference who files or why.
I don't think not filing will help us R in any way, to me it's just the principle of the thing. I want my kids to know that I didn't want it, and did nothing to promote it.
I am brand new as well so I don't have much advice to offer other than to say I am sorry that you are going through this! I have two daughters as well and just found out that there is another woman in my husband's life. I feel for you as it is very overwhelming with young children in the mix.
