Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

Ok, I have slept on this and thought this over. I know it may go against DB rules, but I am going to have a chat with H. Trust has been broken, he has not earned it back. I can't turn a blind eye when he is living in the same house, yet going out all hours or weekends away with people I never heard of. At the same time, to choose to not make any decision one way or the other in regards to M.

I just can't do it. I have my limits. Now that someone has been in my house, that is way way way too close to home. I know I don't have proof of OW, but either way, my heart, gut and his behavior is enough for me to know that this is not working for me.

He has 3 choices. Talk to someone to sort out his feelings. Talk to someone together with me. Or get out.

I am not expecting a good reaction, he will not be happy. I don't care. I am done walking on egg shells and trying to talk myself into dealing with painful behaviors, to just be patient. Maybe I can do that, with him OUT of the house. I can't have it in my face, day to day. Now with strangers in my house and more lies. Not happening. Having someone in my house has really really spooked me out. In a normal M, normal situation, this would not be a big deal. With my H and his actions lately, I'm not feeling right about it.

[job]

If you have a discussion w/him, please try to remain clam. The calmer you are, the more he may listen. It's when we get really emotional that they tune us out completely and think we are just having a bad day. State what is on your mind and stick to your boundaries.

Good luck!

[mleigh4]

I went home at lunch and H was home since he took the week of for vacation to do the hunting thing. Since S is at school, it was a perfect time to talk. I stayed very calm. We talked about everything, I validated his feelings, talked about my own. He got upset a few times about my parenting and how I treated him. I can't get over the anger he has towards me sometimes. He still swears he is doing what he says with who he says. I asked him if he had any ideas on how to make it possible to live at home and have it be comfortable for us all as it just isn't working for me. He agreed that it wasn't working for him either. That he doesn't like sleeping in the spare room, but that he just cant...... He stopped there. Sleep with me is most likely what he would have said? Am I a leper now? I cried a little, couldn't help it, but there was no comfort from him. I expected that too.

So I went over the 3 options. To talk with someone alone, talk with someone together or leave. I explained that it just didn't make sense to stay in the house if we are not actively working on our marriage together. Not to mention the example S is getting. He agreed with that. So, he says he must need to move out then. He talked about the financial situation and what if he isn't paying me enough then we find out later that he owes me some lump sum of money.....Really?? I told him I am not out to get him. That this situation has made us look at each other as monsters and he knows I am not the type of person to go after someone. I told him we will make it work so that we are both financially comfortable. That we will figure it out. And that no matter what happens we will stay friends since we have a son to raise together and will be in each other's lives for a long time. He put his head in his hands and just sat there for a minute.

I asked if the separation would be to take a break and see what happens? H said he is hoping the space would ease some of the tension between us and we can be friends again. Of course still no commitment either way.

So I was prepared for that, he is pretty clear in that he "doesn't have it in him to work on us". I am now curious to see if he really does this. I am not going to help him look for a place, he needs this reality check on his own. He was overwhelmed just talking about where to move and what he needs in the house to park his vechicles and blah blah blah. His problem, not mine.

I feel better. I ate for the first time in 2 days. I also stopped crying for the first time in 24 hours. This is why I had to take this step. It may bite me by pushing him out, but I know this is not the way I can live either.