What to do when an EA involved?

[25yearsmlc]

She is sending mixed signals. I think holding her and comforting her is SORT OF okay...but I'm a bit confused, honestly.

I mean, she did ask for this, right? Sure sure, you helped get her there and all, but YOU did not want this as the result, so I'm a bit taken aback.

What do YOU THINK/FEEL she was trying to say to you, if anything?

I'd like to know before I venture a guess.

[Hoju]

She never specifically asked to have the house sold, it was her actions that forced me into it. When I said that I wouldn't be able to keep it she was the one who rushed out and set up the appointments to get it on the market, I asked for more time after the papers had been signed. Then she was upset that I didn't take more time after the papers had been signed and that things were moving quickly.

Any time I've asked if she wanted me to hold onto it for a bit it would always come back as no, quote from her from the last time when I asked for more time "i just want to make sure you didn't ask for more time because of me". Of course I asked for more time because of her, i don't know how that could be any clearer.

I think she is trying to tell me she wants me to keep it but doesn't want to give me false hope for R or obligate herself emotionally to trying or financially if it doesn't sell. I know you told me not to look or ask for guarantees as there are none, but this is my life too and i've already been far to used to make any more decisions that are going to hurt me.

If she wants me to keep it longer all she needs to do is tell me she wants more time, with words, I can't keep mind reading or thinking myself in circles trying to figure out where she is at.

[Hoju]

I finished 5LL last night and am pretty sure W fits into the gifts catagory. While packing my stuff a few weeks back I found a pandora charm of a house i had bought for her. She always said she wanted one to commemorate our first home. I would often buy gifts and squirrel them away for another time. I was considering giving it to SIL to pass on to W. I know the rules say no gifts and depending how W takes the gift it could be quite hurtful for her given that the house is up for sale. On the other hand it was something I bought for her ages ago and they are quite expensive so I don't really want to just throw it out. It may also trigger memories of how much I loved her if she takes it well.

[Shakspr]

Ooh, Hoju. I haven't followed you much but that last post sounds off a danger signal in my head. Vets?

[bdub]

Hoju,
I agree with shakspr on this one.

You could always hold on to it while you are DBing. If things dont work out I am sure you could sell it. If things do work out I am guessing she will appreciate it much more than she will now.

[Hoju]

I opted to not give her the charm, thanks guys for keeping me level.

In other news, the house has sold, which lead to a very emotional weekend with W. I tried to be calm and collected for her and just listen to her emotions. I probably pursued a bit trying to let her know that I'm there for her. She seems sad with her decision to leave and has almost become some sort of martyr for the cause now. Not sure where OM stands right now, I think he may have dumped her already? When talking about our relationship she wanted to make sure that I knew she made mistakes too and "one really big mistake that has cost her a lot" (I assume this was OM).

She texted me today after we got the news about the house just saying "are you ok?" I told her "I would be" and asked how she was doing to which she replied "sad". I asked her to lunch and she accepted in her martyr way "don't feel like you have to help me". Regardless lunch was very nice, we work really close and would often go to lunch together so it brough back a lot of good memories.

I also noticed she has started to wear her colada ring again, i had bought this for her about a year after we started dating and she had worn it ever since. It was also the first thing to go when she dropped the bomb on me. Interestingly she was wearing it on her left hand with the point of the heart facing her wrist which per wiki means married. Could just be a coincidence or perhaps she thinks it means something else.

DBing seems to be good and she has definitely warmed up to me but still she seems intent on moving forward, she mentioned going to the lawyer today to drop off the retainer for the separation agreement. Could the path home be too muddy? Could she be unsure of how i feel about her now? Is she just still to hurt to believe that these changes are forever?

[Hoju]

Well it's been over a week with pretty much no contact. It hurts to think that she doesn't even care any more and has completely moved on. I have no idea how you vets did this for years.

I don't know if I'm ready to move on but my life feels like it's lost all direction. It feels like I've detached and GAL but unless I find someone else who I could spend the rest of my life with everything I do just feels like a waste of time. Not sure if this feeling last forever or if it's just because I haven't given up hope yet.

On a side note what do I tell people who know that we are separating when they ask why I'm still wearing my ring? Should I even still bother to wear it?

[lostluv]

keep making yourself better. in the event that her infatuation for the OM wears off (odds are it will) , then you will be in a good position....if you decide you can take her back.

good luck

[Hoju]

Update: the house passed the home inspection and the sale has finalized. I received an email from W (first contact in almost 2 weeks) letting me know she would be by to pick up the remainder of her things that she had left for staging. The email was pleasent but very formal, it hurt to have her address me by my name as silly as that sounds.

She mentioned in her email looking into a new lawyer that one of her friends recommended because the one she had spoken to was taking too long. Anyway she asked if I was ok with her switching lawyer's, I assume because I told her we could split the fees and he's more expensive. What options do I have here other then to just tell her to go ahead with which ever lawyer she wants? I don't know why she is treating this like a 100m dash but it sure isn't leaving any room for R.

Good news is once the stager comes and collects her stuff i should get my cat back so i wont be as lonely... On the other hand I become the crazy old cat guy. While I'm on the topic how should I bridge this to W? I don't think she is going to want to part with the cat.