I've been up and down so many times since I last wrote. I'm tracking the ups and downs of my interactions with Mr. Gritty on a spreadsheet (Thanks, Caliguy!). What my spreadsheet reveals in the way that even I can't ignore:
The negative interactions => me being DOWN. Obsessive. Miserable.
The positive interactions => me being UP. Light-hearted. Happy.
And this is because? I am not detached. I must detach. My goal is to detach. DEAR LORD, HELP ME DETACH.
I've been reading and re-reading threads here in the forums, searching for the key, the secret, THE WAY TO DETACH. BTW, I think it's a huge mistake to purge the forums. I understand why they need to do it, but so much helpful information may be lost.
But anyway. One thread that has resonated with me is this one:
"Setting them free" is detachment at its purest form. I WANT to set Mr. Gritty free. All my attempts to do so, however, have been manipulative attempts to make him realize he's losing me. And so those attempts were not authentic detachment and, of course, they backfire whenever I implement them.
I will get her book. Today I am doing the free "Judge Your Neighbor" worksheet from her site. She's got a video there on how to fill it out (helpful because I don't have the book yet). I remember doing the Solo Partner worksheets back in the early '90s, and how they focused my mind on how I had a part in the problems we had during those years. Based on those experiences, I know that the solution I'm seeking probably will be found by going within myself again.
I hope that "the work" will help me detach, allowing me to DB in the truest sense of MWD's work.
I find myself always looking for ways to detach, to live in the moment, to not be fearful. I feel like the answer is just hovering about me, within reach, and yet for some reason I can't -- or won't -- see it.
I will never take responsibility for Mr. Gritty's choice to betray me. However, I do understand that I have control over how I feel when good or bad things happen to me. Understanding this and applying it to my life are two different things.
I want to stop being either so happy or so despairing depending on how he feels about me at any given moment. So.
I've got a DB coach appt later this week. Next mediation appt is next week. Today, "the work." Moving forward, in some way or another.
And that is me -- in this moment -- in my nutshell.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I've been up and down so many times since I last wrote. I'm tracking the ups and downs of my interactions with Mr. Gritty on a spreadsheet (Thanks, Caliguy!). What my spreadsheet reveals in the way that even I can't ignore:
The negative interactions => me being DOWN. Obsessive. Miserable.
The positive interactions => me being UP. Light-hearted. Happy.
"Setting them free" is detachment at its purest form. I WANT to set Mr. Gritty free. All my attempts to do so, however, have been manipulative attempts to make him realize he's losing me. And so those attempts were not authentic detachment and, of course, they backfire whenever I implement them.
I want to stop being either so happy or so despairing depending on how he feels about me at any given moment. So.
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I am glad the tracking system helps, if anything it will show trends and looks like you went further and noticed the things YOU control (PMA .. or even NMA) can effect the outcomes
I to really struggle with the detach .. like you I want her to miss me and need me ... telling myself I am not detached nearly enough for this to work, I set a goal to make a point of turning down the next invite .. regardless of what it is. I need to focus on me and GAL before I lose it all. Seems she is doing a better job at DBing me than I am her .. and I have read the darn books!!!
CaliGuy I feel the same way about my H...dbing me better!
Nitty,
I've been reading a book "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn. It was recommended by one of the successful vets (I don't remember who). The book is about the Laws of Attraction and how if you think positively, good things will come your way. Kind of like dbing, being nice to your WAS. I'm not done with the book yet, but I've gotten to the good stuff of how to make yourself be positive. I've done this the past 2 days and have drawn H closer, I think.
I really like it and hope that it truly is helping, but more than anything, I'm happy! I love feeling this way. I've missed it for so long and now I want to hold on to it, even if things don't go the way I'm planning (but they will...PMA )
You've got to find the good even in bad situations. It's a really good read and kind of a crazy concept, but if it worked for a fellow dber, why not give it a try?
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
I have used a spreadsheet in the past and reading the above ^^^ has got me committed to going back to it.
It really helped me clarify trends in interactions with GUBU and also keep me on track with my own stuff.
Keeping a record of how I was sleeping, eating, GALing, really made it clear that allowing myself to spin and think about what he was doing had a really negative impact on my overall well-being. I could also see just how many bad nights and stressful days I had, and how doing specific things improved how I felt. It was right there in black and white.
Just going back and logging some stuff from over the last few weeks, I could see where I dropped the DBing ball. There were times when he reached out to me and because I had my head stuck on some stupid negative thing, I missed the opportunity to feed on the positive.
I could see direct cause-effect.
For example, EVERY TIME he has come here and I have been mysteriously out GALing, he has backlashed the next day with cutting all contact, and, most peculiarly, specifically not telling me he was on his way, just showing up.
And then going out of his way to avoid me.
Hmmmmm...
I guess he still cares!
Hah!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GoatGal - you and I could be pals. You weren't mind-reading there, that pattern of behavior has only a few interpretations.
Nitty, the tide has turned, for me at least, in W interactions. I kept a cool head while W lost her chit a few nights ago over a legal matter that would have involved me when we were H & W. I was non-helpful. She went for a run, came back, and apologized. I REALLY appreciated the apology, but I was even happier with myself for:
1) Not being drawn into an argument 2) Calmly validating while letting her problems be her problems 3) <FAIL> Still had negative expectations about her return, or if she would even come home that night 4) Caught myself, was sweet to kids, put them to bed, ran a load of clothes, unloaded dishwasher, got ready for bed 5) Acted nonchalant and pleasant when she DID return, accepted her apology, and went to bed.
So envision that. I know, from your posts, that Mr. Gritty is mercurial when he is thwarted or sometimes for no reason at all. But the more you keep it together, especially in his presence, the stronger you will become.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I have created a new thread, because I'm afraid this one is gonna be locked soon, and everything has changed in the last week, I feel like I'm in a completely different situation.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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