WAH & MLC? - EA/PA - Please Help

[Maybell]

Hey, Sam, I wanted to let you know, I know that gut punch of reading sexts between your husband and his affair partner. You are where I was last fall.

I'm sure Train will be along shortly, but I wanted to suggest to you... if you think he's sincere and your verify procedures are supporting what he's telling you, then you need to find a balance between satisfying your need to know and not beating him up with what he did.

This is a REALLY difficult balance and I did not find it. So I don't have a suggestion for you. MC probably would help if he's open to it, and I know some people suggest scheduling affair questions so both of you can be prepared and detached. With him working so far from home, that's going to be a huge challenge.

I don't think he can hang out with her and not have it become a problem. My two cents. Even if he insists he can, I don't think that's as true as he might like it to be. So keep monitoring. He's giving you a reason to do it by not answering all your questions, even the uncomfortable ones.

I hope you get better advice soon, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone. I hope things work out better for you than I managed during this weird time.

[Train]

Great stuff there, Maybell.

And yep. Lots I wanna respond to; I feel another Train-novella coming. Lol.

I'll be back soon!

[Sam3]

Maybell- Thank you! I'm thankful there are others who can understand the feeling that comes with reading or seeing the A in black & white.

I know it happened but seeing texts that are date & time stamped have me spinning. What were the kids & I doing? Did he call & say goodnight to the kids in the middle of their texting? What was his mood that day? Etc.

He will not be around her. I definitely can't handle that. He said he has no communication with her. She is in the same town & she does live not far from him. There is a possibility that they could run into each other at a restaurant or a bar that I know they went to together.

I also worry what if she shows up at his place? I mean that could happen - she spent the night with him. She knows where he lives & where his office is.

I will keep verifying. He actually said last night - I wish there was a way for you to know I'm at home at night. Maybe I should text you a picture with my iPad showing the time & date. I just replied " maybe there is."

I wish he could have answered my questions and that I didn't read the texts. Although who's to say I would not have read them anyway.
And, I'm not sure I can honestly say I wish I had not read them.
It gives me a glimpse into who he is with other people and what he was doing in our separation.


Thanks again Maybell!

[Train]

Sam:

Just wanted you to know I *did* write my novella. But apparently it was deleted in the most recent "pruning."

How ya doin'?

[Sam3]

Train-
Thank you!!! I did get to read it. I didn't really get to absorb everything. Went back to look over it again, and it was gone. Boo!

I'm doing okay. H told me sun night that Ow has texted him a few times about some random things including some flip flops that he lost in July, that she *thought* she found last week. Huh???

I was a little angry about this. I think she's a home wrecking wh00re. But I managed to tell him I appreciated him being honest with me.

I took a screenshot of your Nc letter that y'all did. I told him obviously whatever telephone conversation they had about his intentions was not cutting it. I told him I needed to know that he told her he did not wish to communicate with her.

So he said "tell me what you want me to say to her for you to understand that I don't want to talk to her." He took his phone & sent a text of a very similar Nc that Mr Train wrote. He said I just want this over & not to spend my sun night talking about a stupid b!tch that I don't even care about.

I would like to let him know he can block her number. But I don't know if that leaves me trying to clean up his mess.

And, deep down I'm really freaking angry! I know I've mentioned it in my threads but I had a 10 week old baby when he bomb dropped. A baby that, during this whole separation I have taken by myself to specialists, for blood work, to speech therapy, to physical therapy, to a pulmonologist.
I'm *almost* a little more angry that he left when I needed him the most.
But who am I kidding? I'm pretty pissed about the PA too.

Baby spent the first 4 weeks in the Nicu.
So my H decides he is just so unhappy with me & the lack if attention he gets from me that he leaves just 6 weeks after a critically ill infant comes home?

We have talked about it. The reasons, what led up to it. I'm trying to work thru my anger about that I feel he abandoned us. I'm working on forgiving.
But, I'm not sure I will ever understand why he had to leave when he did.
And I don't think he will ever know how much that hurt me. To face the uncertainty & scariness of the situation with someone who was only interested in being a co parent over the phone. While in truth he was partying & vacationing with OW.

Today, I'm a little grumpy. Thanks for listening to my vent.

[Zues126]

Sam, I get it. And I'm glad you're venting. Just remember there are three types of spouses. Those that never walk away, those that do and never look back, and those that do and see the light. From a cosmic perspective although walking away is very hurtful, the willingness to grow past that says a lot. No, it's not all better today, but your life wouldn't have been better today had he still been gone. It's not about today, it's about 6 months from now, a year from now, and the rest of your life. You have the opportunity to be with someone that has learned from their mistakes and enough sense to see the value in a life long partnership. What's more, you know he has the capacity to grow and change during difficult times. While there will be more hard times ahead- that's life. But you can do that with a partner who will be there for the count. That's of course assuming he follows through with his current trajectory.

So it's ok to feel this way now, just don't let it sabotage the potential for where you might be in six months. And I hope he sees the value in being patient for a while with you as we'll. I think he biggest hurdle with 'the road home' is that a new R starts with passion and excitement while the road home starts with hard work and rocky waters. Make sure they're not so rocky he can't stick it out, but then again if he can't handle some of the natural repercussions of his actions he wouldn't make it for the count anyway.

Above all, continue to be the woman you want to be. While that's someone with self respect, feelings, and boundaries, I also hope that's someone that can transcend resentment and pain and risk further disappointment and hurt to give the chance for a truly beautiful marriage to blossom.