She did WAW, then I did EA, now I'm DBing...poorly

[Joe1981]

Thanks labug. I am realizing that my issues do not need to be anyone else's. That I don't want to start or regain friendships based on this, but based on my new stronger self and interests. I want my W to see me being my best self, but more importantly, I want to become the best me I can. I'm counting on all the great people here to help keep me on track and to listen to me grumble on the bad days.

Journaling: Things feel really normal today and a lot of yesterday. While this is a positive because there isn't any D talk and/or arguing, it is also a really sad realization because it shows me how weak our marriage had become. If this behavior is what our marriage has been like, no wonder she wanted to divorce. We talk some, worry about the kids, and after the kids go to bed, we're just both in our own world. Only difference is the last part, now we're actually in different rooms after the kids go to bed. That we have only slightly less intimacy now than then is shameful. OK, well at least this provides some clarity.

[Joe1981]

Journaling: another day. Peace again. Some small talk. I gotta chill. No R talk, but I'm trying to hard. I made the huge mistake of calling her "Hun" today. Nothing strange in that, except when you don't know if a term of endearment will ever have it's place again. No real reaction from her what it slipped.

[labug]

Don't beat yourself up about it, those things happen.

It's good that things have cooled down. No R talk, remember she doesn't want to be married to you right now.

You never answered on what really happened with your boundary setting. Care to fill me in?

[Joe1981]

labug, see my post from Wednesday (7/30) night, it explains what happened. At least the issue that led to the fight in which boundary setting failed. I tried to calmly ask her to stop talking to me in an aggressive way and that I needed to calm down to have the conversation. Then I tried to remove myself from the situation before I blew up. That's when the whole bedroom door thing started. So, yeah, my initial try failed. I learned that, before I try to set up a boundary, I need to be sure it isn't some actual crappy behavior on my part that she is right to blow up about. If it is, I should just face the music.

Oh, believe me, I won't be making any R talk. How do I respond if she starts talking D again? Any other R talk I think I can handle.

She's taking the kids to Portland for her b-day Sunday and Monday. I'm looking forward to it for a couple of reasons. 1) she gets to experience how hard they are w/out help; and 2) I get some time alone to work on me...read, go to the gym, try to do something around the house she doesn't expect.

[labug]

Sorry I missed that.

But good insight on you part. However, it's not OK for people to scream and yell and call you names, is it?

[Joe1981]

No, it's not, but if I do a better job of listening, understanding, and owning, she may not fly quite so far off the handle. Again, I can only control me, and I gotta do better at that.

I'm stuck w/ her b-day on Sunday. I got a good present for her from the kids. Gift giving is a much needed 180. However, I'm in LRT, so do it get her a gift from me to show that 180 at the risk of pursuing or do I let the kids' gift show that change and not pursue w/ a gift from me?

[Joe1981]

Ok...started a new thread here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2474878#Post2474878

[25yearsmlc]

Update:
She keeps texting and/or emailing me constantly to tell me why she wants the D. Yesterday was going over my failing at boundaries with my parents. Today it is the EA w/ the OW, that I foolishly allowed to develop. I said some regrettable things to my W as that situation blew up. Today she is all over me about those mistakes.

I'm trying to remember a critical point about the LRT: Believe none of what you hear and less than half of what you see. I'm trying to stick to that line as she keeps reasserting that she is done. I'm doing my best to validate and learn from what she has to say. I'm not sure if she's going to move out at the end of the month...and I'm not sure how I feel about it. If she were to move out and not file yet, I'd still be getting time and I'd have more time to GAL. That's been my biggest problem, I have no time to GAL.

I have more to read on your thread but wanted to comment on this^^^ before I forget.

TO re-cap----You are a teacher with the summer OFF, correct?

Okay...Just so you know, you have more time to GAL than 90% of the people on this board.

And without GAL, you will NOT detach, which will lead to more bad choices. Without GAL, you will NOT change or become a man only a fool would leave, which really is your goal. Yes, GAL is that important. We hammer it here a lot, b/c we know it works.


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids including a baby so it's hard for me to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL.

Inertia is actually the greatest enemy to GAL. It is part of how you got here in the first place.

Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. (Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.
Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I truly liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty & ignoring them.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group

Took a class in Conversational French

Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

[Joe1981]

Thanks for the 2x4...I need it. I'll got read you port on my other thread now.