Thanks Maybell - and yes I am still running and loving it, I am now up to 8.5K 4 times a week.
And while I'm doing it for my own benefit and not for H to notice...I thought he might have mentioned it to me, asked how it was going or something (my S18 told him I was out running when he came round one night, and he also passed me in the car while I was running) But he just couldn't care less what I'm up to.
You are right - I need to decide when this has to stop bothering me. I just wish this OW would disappear.
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
Listen, I don't think my H is pursuing OW anymore but I still fall apart if I see her liking pictures of my kids. That will take a long time to recover from.
Big hugs to you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
As for your H not caring about you, being distant, etc. He is doing that in order to ease his guilt. It will catch up to him one day, most likely, though he may never admit it to you. You just don't spend that much of your life with a person and never think about them again. He might be focusing on the negatives now and pushing you away and being cold to make himself feel better and justify his actions. That is all. Probably doesn't have much to do with you. It's all about him. Try not to take it personally.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Just an update - H is trying hard to get his mother and sister to meet the OW. He has spoken to them twice, telling them she was nothing to do with us breaking up and he had been thinking about leaving me for about 2 years. They don't like what's happened, but I can see them softening, and also they are curious to find out more about the OW. The kids have not met her and do not want to.
This is extra hard for me as I lost my parents when I was very young. H's family is really my family too and we are all so close. His family members who have fully accepted the situation and have met with and dined with the OW are now distant towards me. Soon they will all be a happy family together and I feel so shut out.
However, I do still continue to show him my best self, I am positive, outgoing and cheerful. But inside it is still as hard as ever.
He also told his mother and sister he would never come back. Never. (I don't know why that still hurts when he's already told me he wants to divorce).
Sorry for all the negativity, but my sitch seems to be one of the hopeless ones. I pray every day he will see the light, but his relationship seems to be going from strength to strength. Its been out in the open for 10 months, but they had probably been hiding it for about 6 months prior to that.
I will be a year into this in January and it's still so difficult.
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
The thing with the In-Laws is tough - its oneof the issues that pops up all over the boards. I always feel a little sorry for the In-Laws. Ultimately, your H is still their family member and they love him and want to be in his life.
Oddly, in my sitch, my MIL adamantly declares that she wants nothing to do with OW, and I'm the one that thinks that is not a realistic stance (if the relationship endures).
Here's what you can do- proactively work on maintaining good relationships with your MIL, SIL and other family members. You will always be the mother of the grandchildren and you will always be in their lives in that regard. The best course (I think) is that your In-Laws shouldn't feel like they have to choose bewtween you, but that they can have a relationship with both of you. Even though its been a year, its still pretty early on, and the family members that feel like they have "shut you out" may still come around somewhat. Leave the door open for them.
As for them being a happy family together - you know its highly unlikely for that to last, right? Even if they beat the odds and somehow end up in a functional marriage - they will still have the ups and downs of real life.
Thanks Raliced, totally agree with what you've said. It is so difficult for the in-laws, but my MIL and SIL have been so supportive this past year, and this has made things very difficult for them with H. He now wants everything sorted out in time for Christmas I think. How can it every be though? This will be my first Christmas without him in about 26 years.
Do you thinks its any easier when the kids are smaller and more adaptable to changes? I'm wondering this as my kids are older and able to judge for themselves - they see their Dad leaving his family for OW and think its just wrong, regardless of how happy he is now. They don't want to spend weekends with him, he has asked them out to dinner several times and they have refused. Of course I have told them they still have to have a relationship with him,he is still their Dad, but I think they are just a bit disgusted with him.
But then I read all your stories about the WAH's spending time with the kids and having them around the OW and that must be heart-rending. It is something I will have to face at some point when my kids decide they will meet with her.
It's totally wrong and not doing me any good at all, but I do wish the bubble would burst and H and OW would start to see each others faults, wake up to reality and see all the pain they've caused.
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
I have no idea if its easier or harder for grown vs younger children. My guess is that they are just two completely different things.
What I do know is that at your children's age, they can "own" the relationship with their Dad (and he with them). With younger children, I think that there are moments when you have to advocate on their behalf. And I will say that with younger kids you do have to deal with the fact that you will have diminished time with them through no choice of your own, and that has been a bitter pill to swallow.
I think you are right to gently encourage them to have a relationship with their Dad. If he were wise he would try to establish some sort of relationship with them, without OW at first. Regardless - he will have to figure it out with them.
