My H's MLC #2

[Ssarah]

As I've mentioned H is leaving Sunday for a month and I need some advice. Since OW's birthday a week ago, H has dove into the A and in turn things have been extremely strained between us. I've basically gone dark with him, he's been sleeping in the guest room and when I do speak to him I'm not that friendly. Should I try to fake it more the next couple of days.. be less harsh and more "friendly" before he goes so that he doesn't leave with things so strained. It's me that's having a problem faking it and putting more and more distance between us. Or should I remain firm and just let things be.

[BklynMom]

Hey Sarah

I believe you should remain firm and let things be. I think at the beginning of my journey I thought somehow if I was understanding enough and nice enough my xH would see that and come home. I dont believe that. I think the DB book suggests that but I dont think it works if its a MLC.

My reality was that the day my xH dropped the bomb, which came out of no where just like your bomb, my xH never looked back at me. My xH only looks for reasons to this day to believe I am a B!tch. They need to justify their behavior.

Right now he is so "in love" with OW that he needs to believe that you caused this.

I dont think being more friendly works - I think showing him that you have your own life and possible your own OM is the only think that could make him do a double take.

I agree with what other posters say about let him feel like what its like to do his own laundry etc.

Also have you read the book This Isnt The Season You Think It Is by Laura Munson.

You wrote this at the beginning of this thread

""Matt165 that's the thing, how out of touch with reality do you have to be to think a divorce will make you feel good. Unless you're in an abusive relationship, a couple's struggles are something you at least attempt to work on and not just run away from. I didn't even get a warning shot about my H's feelings. It was just a sit down with him telling me all that is wrong with our relationship and all that he's missing and that he's out. No, lets work on this, let's try for the kids, nothing. Just done. In what other situation do you respond this way. Whether it be work or relationships with friends, you make attempts to fix things, to find a middle ground. But here, you destroy your family and it's okay. I really hate the MLC""

You are right, their actions make no sense. I truly believe that what comes around goes around and there is no way your H or his OW will find happiness without first falling to their knees.

HAve you ever checked out Alanon. Even if there is no Alcohol directly involved in your sitcH it is a great place to meet new friends.

Also you mention that you havent told a lot of friends and family about your witch yet cause that what it suggests in the DB book to keep the road home clear, which I totally get and I too waited months before telling people. In retrospect I regret that move, it really held me back and didnt draw my xH closer.

Check out Labugs thread for a recent success story.

[Georgiabelle]

Sarah,

Great post from BK. She is spot on with this. Several people know about my sitch (well my h tweets every element of his life) and I can tell you that my friends and h's family think I'm way too nice. The reality is that I'm simply cordial and realize that I'm setting an example for my kids. My boys are looking to me to see how I allow men (yep, their dad) to treat me and I'm shaping my daughters future relationships with male figures because I KNOW she's watching.

I think some people make the mistake of thinking that if you don't react to their insanity and you remain calm, that you are being too nice. I don't think I'm that nice:-) However, when you are dealing with a person in MLC, I do think all bets are off. It even says that in DR. So while you should work on things that make Sarah the best you can be, I also want to say your h may not notice for years. I don't say that to be harsh, just honest. Which really makes all the reason for you to focus on you and the kids! Your life continues regardless of what your h is going thru. Yes, you and the kids will feel the fallout. However , ultimately it's your h's pile of poo to deal with on his own time.

Your kids are only this age once. You can't put your life or their lives on hold because Dad has vacated reality. Enjoy this time from your h.

[Ggrass]

My h did and said thing he knew where wrong.

Every man alive knows if you call a woman a whore, it's not a great thing. To hit a child with no warning or reason eg child is doing something and by hit them out of the way yo can save an accident, can be excused, to thump and run however.

I was nice I tried to stay, but like so many in mlc land it was just too flogging hard, my sainty was at steak. I was nice thru all that. Farr to nice.

Now I'm just dark, he's not looking back like bk h, not at all.

[Ssarah]

BklynMom, the weeks after BD my H too only looked for reasons to justify his behavior. Although there were times he'd cry and hug me, his words still always said that he had to divorce and wipe his slate clean and move on. Although, his actions sometimes showed otherwise, he has never wavered on that. And now we're at a point that we do not speak to each other at all, which makes things even more uncomfortable. No hello, no goodbye, no nothing.

And that's exactly it, everything is my fault. He would not be with her if I gave him what he wanted (because I'm a psychic and knew what he wanted). I drove him to this and "this is the hand we've been dealt and we have to deal with it".

I haven't done his laundry in weeks, nor have I done anything else for him. I don't know about an OM but I'm definitely GAL. I finally told my brother and sisterinlaw this weekend which was a relief and I have dinner plans for tomorrow night with one of my closest friends and I finally plan on telling her.

You've mentioned it to me before but I will check out Alanon for sure. Thanks.

[Ssarah]

Georgiabelle thank you for the advice. Your last statement really hit home and I have to always remember that. As much as I stay busy with the little ones and plan activities, my mind gets lost in the madness that is happening around me. Just for the reason you state alone, that my kids are this age only once, I need to be in the moment more and enjoy life more. They matter too much for all of H's BS to take precedent. I have to genuinely live and enjoy life as if he's never coming back.

With each passing day I'm definitely "getting" that H really doesn't notice me or what I'm doing. Initially he did, but as the days and weeks go I see he's just going deeper into his crisis and into his tunnel where he no longer even has the capacity to notice. It's like there's already so much in his head there's no room for me. So to answer my own question, what I do (outside of going crazy and throwing him out) really won't make a difference. Thanks for putting it all in perspective!

[Ssarah]

Ggrass it sounds like your H was monstering out of control so maybe it's better that he's gone for now. You and your S don't deserve to be treated that way. My H doesn't call me names nor does he hit our kids, he's just completely detached and disengaged from us, as if he's just a ghost walking around the house.