i need help. when did you all give up? how much dark time is allowed before we give up the illusion of ever seeing, talking or having a relationship with our wives?
I suppose we all have our different limits and only you can decide when you want to give up - or just feel that you can't hang in there any longer. I've found that GAL helps - and whilst there are horrible times, the time does pass - and mostly passes reasonably pleasantly. But not if I am obsessing about H and what he might be doing and thinking - or about them/her.
A month ago I started LRT and haven't initiated any contact since that. We have exchanged functional texts and that is it - and those are pretty infrequent. I'm prepared to give things a while longer. I don't want to divorce H, or at least don't feel ready to decide that I do want to divorce him.
But, I have really needed to work on patience, not having expectations, doing things for me, being centred etc. It isn't easy.
Some people decide to hang on in there even post divorce. But I think the important thing is to GAL, remain detached until or unless your S wants to reconcile, and maintain pleasant and constructive links if at all possible.
Good luck to you...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have those hot and cold moments. I will very soon be a completely improved person with excellent health, diet and exercise regimen. Business connections and opportunities coming that are seismic. I want my wife in on the journey. She was there for the lows. Come enjoy the good times too.
Patience will come in time. Pray meditate or do yoga. Gal I need more of. I will join a social club soon as my businesses are running well. Go to church or a temple weekly too. Talk honestly with the priest or leader. It helps. I have been completely detached and not one word call or text in four months. Painful. But I'm becoming zen about it more.
Can you confirm that you have read DR? How many times?
If you have then take Sandi guidelines to heart and practice them.
This is about doing what works.
You also mentioned that you went gambling, from personal experience I can tell you that this type of behaviour causes enormous damage, even if it does not become compulsive. If it is A factor then consider a12 step program for managing this. There may be other indicators, such as extreme clutter and the willingness to control W behaviour, and inconsistency in hobbies and projects.
Caveat here, I only see what you write but if there is an issue then extra counselling will be needed to resolve this for YOU. Not for W or for your M but for YOU. It is worthwhile to consider discussing this with your next counsellor. As you can see from my sitch I am active in GAManon, so I have a little experience but I have only experience and am not a counsellor. In GAanon we learn that gambling is just one expression of compulsion (can be called hyper focus ADD and ADHD) the downside when withdrawing can also be depression. I would actively encourage you to discount this as a factor in your own case; and you can start with reading. But no-one here has instant solutions, only you can change you.
This is a long journey. Thoughtful Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/02/1411:42 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
