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So quick question, and it looks like I'm going to need another thread soon.

I took my kids to the country fair where they inadvertently ran into their mom. They noticed from a distance their M texting on the phone, and my D asked who she's always texting. My older S said I know, and then told me the OM name. He had brought this up with me before, and asked that it be our secret.

He said today I could tell his M that he has seen the messages. I'm not sure if I should mention it to her or not. I have scheduled IC for my kids, just to deal with what is going on, and so they have some of their needs met. My concern really is to tell her to let her know. I know it upsets my son because he told me...but I really have no control over what she does with her phone and the kids.

Let it slide, not creating guilt, have it brought up in kids IC, or take a stand for my children? Thoughts? Don't see this good well in any manner


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
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My son, who was a month away from 8, saw texts between H and OW on his dad's phone and put things together. (Daddy moved out, Mom is sad, Daddy's texting (insert OW's pet name here)).

He asked me about it, and I was honest. (I was also age-appropriate in my response.)

It might not be a popular stance on these boards, and it's most probably not a DB approach. But at a time when my kids' lives were turned upside down and H was having an A in my small hometown - so practically everyone knew and MANY were talking about it - I chose to be the one person who would be honest with the kids who were old enough to ask questions and/or understand what was going on.

I've been told by one vet here that my actions were "sickening." I was also accused, by the same poster, of throwing my H off his "hero" pedestal in my son's mind. My position is that IF H was thrown from some "hero" status, he did that himself by 1. abandoning his family for OW and 2. not scrubbing his texts thoroughly before handing S8 his phone to play with.

H is back, and he and S8 continue to have a remarkable relationship. S8 rarely makes statements or asks questions about those few months. But when he does? H is open and honest with him about it. And he uses it as a teaching moment for S8. I also remain open and honest. It has given me opportunities to talk about the value of love and forgiveness.

Life will never be perfect for anyone.

When a child sees something and asks about it - especially in these circumstances - I think it's important they know at least one person in their universe is being stable and consistent and honest ... but also CAREFUL in how it's handled. No trash-talking W. But I know I don't have to tell you this.

That's just me, though, Dev.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Oh but PS I never addressed with my H that S8 had seen the texts between him and OW. Just for what that's worth.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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It's not just you, Train -- I was honest with my kids too (in an age-appropriate way). It's stunning to me how that can even be controversial. And my wife IS a hero to them, especially our adult daughters, because they saw her -- flaws and all -- ultimately decide to do the right thing and work hatd to restore her marriage and her family.

Dev, I would err on the side of protecting your kids. Say something like "Look I'm only going to say this once, but it upsets the kids when you text OM where they can see you. What you do on your own time is your business, but I'm sure we can agree that we need to protect the kids thru this mess. And for GOD's sake, LOCK YOUR PHONE. NO child should have to read texts from their mother to her boyfriend. "

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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