I'm giving the possible OM too much power. It doesn't matter what he says does or acts upon. I still love my wife and it matters what I do and say. I can control me, and make myself the perfect everything, or at least as close as I can get. I don't want to upset her, or make us both miserable. I want a clean path for the rest of my life. Whatever I do is for me, and maybe my kids, if I have a partner then they will be included. I think it's finally hitting me that no matter what I will be okay. I can do whatever I want, and I want to make things good, no matter with her or not.
This comes from seeing something on FB inadvertently. Just a comment of "why the sad face pretty girl" was on her sisters FB page, I was actually looking at pics of my kids on there. I saw that and started to freak, them I calmed myself and said who cares. I am still in this for the long haul, good or bad. I either want a happy wife or happy life. And I can do that through me. And I unfollowed her sister as well. Why even out myself in that scenario, I know it was stupid, I just miss my kids, but that's okay too. When I see them, makes it even that much better. A little backslide, but I kept it to myself and will continue too. Thanks for listening!!
Had a good weekend. Did a lot to house, paint, new lights, other small stuff. Went out and watched a flick, Guardians of the Galaxy, very good film lots of laughs and action, can't ask for much more.
I started to do some more today, but was asked to get kids early. Not a problem though I missed them. I am having a hard time with something else though. The W is only 28, but was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at age 18. She is really suffering from it right now. The stress, lack of sleep, taking no care of herself is taking it's toll. Today she was limping, knees feeling bad, and other joints. My problem is I care so much, that it's hard to see and not just go nuts.
I want to help, I want to soothe her. Mind you today, I just asked if she was ok, since limping so poorly, she said no, and one day it just may paralyze her, that cut like a knife. Just sad that she is so down and just doesn't care. I am stuck in feeling so bad mode for what happened. No person should suffer like this, and she is just being stubborn. Maybe the OM is giving her comfort, I don't know, and don't care. I just can't keep up the being happy, when I am not at all with myself.
It has even got me to thinking that maybe we shouldn't be together again. I mean, is it ever going to change with her disease, and her attitude associated with it. That was part of my problem in our M, her anger in the pain, and taking it out in me. If that never changes I cannot deal with it forever. I have read a thread on her that hit home though. He put down things he loved about his wife, mind you they were not very concise, but I have been thinking the same things. My W, at one point, made me a better person, I loved listening to her stories from work, made me proud to have such a beauty at my side, great mother and everything involved in that. There are other things, but those came to me, and it made the feelings even more terrible.
I just want to love her, and let her go, but it's very hard right now. Yes it's best for her to figure out for herself, but doesn't mean it's easy. And yes I feel better about me more often than not since I have come to agree to the very limited contact. I have been trying to practice my validation with everyone, from her to work associates to friends. It does help bring compassion and respect for those back into my life, sorely lacking in previous life.
All over the place I know, just was very sad to see her that way. Not a thing I can do for it, so I have to either accept it, or let it eat me away. I will do my best to accept and move forward. Any advice would be appreciated.
