Dealing with WAW Part 2

[oad]

sorry pilot..my turn to hijack....;) 25yrs do you think you can look at my sitch your advice will be most appreciated

[25yearsmlc]

sorry pilot..my turn to hijack....;) 25yrs do you think you can look at my sitch your advice will be most appreciated

Done.

[pilot]

I sense a lot of love on both sides but wounded egos, too. You both sound prideful and resentful, and neither of you talks openly enough.

Probably a lot of truth in that.

I think you are understating how wounded she was and for how long. I really don't think you recall how you behaved while medicated (I had surgery in November and the pain meds were wonderfully effective, but I have very little recall of the holidays and that's a lot of weeks!)

You bring up a good point. I honestly have not given much consideration as to what my actions were during this time. It was mostly a blur. I know my W coined the phrase "I am just going to blame the medication for that" during my medicated time. So yea, I will begin to give this serious thought and consideration.

See how the communication has improved so much....(yes, I'm being snarky. But this is an issue YOU identified as a problem. Yet you are continuing with it as before). Still No direct talks that are "uncomfortable"...and whole a lot of mind reading and planning based on things that might not be real or ever happen. How needlessly painful and what a waste of time.

Continue this old negative behavior, at your peril.
[/color]

I get what you are saying 100%. But this was during a time I was 'dark' NC and detached. I had blocked her on FB and never once took a peek at it through mine or anyone else's account. <funny story about the FB blocking. When we were at dinner, a banker who used to be a good friend of ours stopped by our table and was talking to us. After he left, my W was saying how she had unfriended the guy's wife and him from her fb and I replied in a lighthearted manner 'hey, I unfriended you" She laughed> I never asked anyone who may know her anything about what she was doing. I had to separate like this in order to detach.

I get it that we are now communicating more often, and in very friendly terms while face to face. I still do not call her or initiate texting. I am not saying I am right, I am saying I have NO IDEA how to proceed. Should I initiate a text here and there? Should I call? Should I ask her questions about what she is doing personally? Noting in any of our recent interactions has given me any indication she would be anything but ok with it. It is just that I read here on the forum that sometimes LBS get 'over anxious' when contact becomes more frequent. I just do not want to do anything wrong, so I error on the side of caution.

May I submit why I think you do harp on it so often? It goes back to the inability to forgive or let go of past hurts. It's what you learned from your parents and continue practicing. But Pilot, I think forgiveness is a learned skill and though it's a critical element of Christian belief, which you profess to have, it's not taught to us nearly enough. I also know of NO long term marriage that is happy, that did not contain chunks of forgiveness on both sides, usually one side more than the other.

You may very well be right that I am tough on forgiveness. And yes, it is a Christian value. But even God requires you ask forgiveness to receive it Jokes aside, I get your point and will reflect on it.



you also wrote: [/color]
[/b]

This^^^ is all part of legal strategizing which you keep wanting to punish her for. Either let it go, compartmentalize it (business versus emotion) or fall on your sword for it.

It is not that I want to punish her, I just want to protect myself the best I can if it comes to the point we are sitting on opposite sides of the isle in a courtroom. And yea, I agree adopting a protective position from a legal standpoint can be very counter productive to trying to resolve a M.


Ultimately, I try to be as detailed as I can here on my thoughts and actions. I want to make sure any positive AND negative actions on my part are identifiable to others so I can continue what works and work on what does not. I appreciate the in depth responses because you articulate areas I have faults and may have not been aware of them. I clearly have a lot of work to do and will work on it the best I am able.

Thanks again for your time in your responses!

[pilot]

Pilot,

You may not realize how you're coming across to us here.

What I am seeing from you here is that situations are very Black & White to you as evidenced by your comments that this "falls under Sandi's rules" or "is contrary to DBing." How's that helping you develop and maintain healthy relationships?

Flexibility and acceptance, buddy....ok?

Wonka,

Thanks for the post. I do get how I am coming across. I have been pretty black and white when it comes to my situation and applying DB. As I have stated before. My actions are not because I am overly confident in what/how to proceed. It stems more from a fear of doing something wrong. I did everything in the world wrong while my W and I were still under the same roof after BD. Only after our S and over a month of NC did things begin to show signs of improvement. I just have a hard time accepting or understanding the depth of improvement, so I am more comfortable continuing what I was doing the past 7 weeks vs. taking a chance at exposing myself to the unknown.

I am up for all the flexibility in the world on this. I just like to have an idea that what I am doing or about to do at least keeps me pointed in the right direction.

Thanks again for your thoughtful insight.

[pilot]

Pilot,

I get why my mom wrote what she did. I get it was done from the heart and with good intentions. I just wish she had not.

Why not? Because you feel compelled to side with your Dad and display your loyalty to him? Or does the letter bring up uncomfortable truths under the surface about your M?

More along the lines of how I would feel if my air condition repair person decided to try and fix my computer without being asked. My M and where it is now is very important to me. I have done enough to screw things up and and working to correct those actions. I really did not want someone who have very little knowledge of what was going on, and who has been 98% absent in my life jumping in and inserting themselves and making statements which just do not help. I would have been just as annoyed had it been anyone. It just happened to be my mom.

[sandi2]

First, let me try to explain what is called sandi's rules. BTW, that was a title that came from newcomers forwarding to one another my list of things to do and not doSome refer to the list as 180's and some say LRT. It was meant to be guidelines for those who were dealing with a WAS when they had no clue as what to do. I did not make extended explanations for each one b/c it would have been a book. But I've been surprised at times when I would read someone refer to something as per sandi's rules that was nowhere included in the list. But I allow that everyone can misinterpret, and newcomers do a ton of reading and under a lot of stress.

Secondly, there are many things that could have been included in that list. Those 37 things were just the ones that came off the top of my head when I was posting to a LBS one time (and then started using the same list to give others). Some of them may be indeed be a 180 for one person, but not necessarily every person. It may seem like actions of the LRT to some, but I have learned everyone does not understand the LRT. Every stitch has to be considered and 1&0's tailored to fit. But if it doesn't work after applying it for a considerable time, Michele says to change and do something that gets better results.

I think there should be a list or guidelines for those who are trying to reconcile and those in piecing. But in most cases, you have to adjust it to apply to the individualized stitch. Every stitch goes at a different pace. And understand this point, what you were doing as the LRT has to shift or readjust when you start entering the period of reconciling. That is where some who are so rigid with "rules" don't grasp. It is a difficult, confusing, trying, and sensitive time.

So, take the above as a disclaimer, or whatever. I don't back away from anything on the list, and I do think it works if applied correctly. But sometimes people say it says things that it doesn't. And this is directed at one individual, but anyone who may read this post.

This is a long post, so I will start another one to address your stitch, Pilot.

[pilot]

Thanks sandi. Put it into my new thread, as this one should lock up soon.

[labug]

You can use the notify button to have the mods to lock it.

[pilot]

new thread started here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2470534#Post2470534