Just feeling a little down today - not sure why but thought if I get it out it will get better - ha. I am working so hard on detaching and just when i think i have it - i fall back - anyone have any good advice on how to really detach???? It's going on 6+ months now. Is the random texting thing part of the pursuit game? just checking to see if I am still out there somewhere? It will be interesting in the next few days as I have made plans with friends of mine and he will be out of town as well so no opportunity to see each other for a few days - he picks the kids up every morning - this will be weird to not see him for days but maybe it will be a good thing for me. I still think he is subconsciously using the kids just to hang around the house and/or ease his guilt and/or keep him from being alone to ponder what the hell he is doing. I really don't know how people hold on for years.
Nothing much to add - just updating. I had my girls time out and had a great time. Always somewhat depressing as they are all married and of course that just comes into the conversation making me really miss companionship but I am adjusting to that. I saw him very briefly Saturday when exchanging the kids and again Sunday when he came to mow the yard and yday morning when he picked the kids up - yday he was very arrogant and smug almost - today back to somewhere in between depression and smug. No conversation of any kind. In the meantime, i am working on myself again - i think i slide back with the responsibilities of the kids and school and activities and all. I am hoping to decrease my own cycling and get to somewhere in the middle where i can feel comfortable and confident with my actions moving forward. The end of this month will be our 19th anniversary - I always wanted to take a big trip for our 20th - I may just have to go on one alone this time next year. Still adjusting to sharing the kids with him but we had a great time last night just us (kids and me). I have to focus on the quality of our time together not just the quantity. I am making slow progress in decreasing the "fixing" and co-dependent part of it. He has mail at the house but i am not giving it to him unless he asks. I know the weather is getting cooler and he didn't take any jackets or sweatshirts when he left -they are still at the house - I thought about bagging them up and giving them to him but I am not going to say a word about it. I still feel like he is cake eating to a degree but i try to not give him the satisfaction of allowing him to still do small things - that is the hard part because I don't know if I should let him do some things or just say no to it all.
Hi Tuff. Checking in to see how you are? As far as detaching, in my opinion, it's the hardest battle in all this. Be patient with yourself. I can't tell you how many times I have fallen off that wagon. I just read something, that no matter how hard you try to let go, it won't happen unless you really want to. Well, of course we don't want to, we wouldn't be here if we did. So this must be why it's so hard. It goes against what we feel in our heart.
Be good to yourself and hang in there.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I haven't been here in a while - I still lurk and read other posts but not much to report from me. He did finally ask for some winter clothes - I pulled them out in trash bags and gave them to him - I think he was a bit shocked by that but never commented. Our anniversary came and went and nobody acknowledged anything. He has made his way further into the house - other than the front door - a few times which irritates me but I don't let it show. I am certain he has been talking to attorneys though I haven't heard a word. He doesn't ever talk. Small texts about kid schedules and that is it. So frustrating that this is my life. I thought he took his ring off on our anniversary so I in turn took mine off. That afternoon I noticed his was on - maybe I looked wrong? I don't know - i know i reacted hastily and that was a really hard day for me but maybe it was just something to prepare me for the future. I have put mine back on - I don't want him to think that I am ok with a D. It is so hard to not talk about anything. I have been stagnant for a while and I MUST do something about that - it is driving me nuts and I am sure responsible for my depressed mood of late. Detach, detach, detach - I wish there was a pill for that.
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed lately. Do you think it may be worth visiting your doc?
I went back to refresh my mind of your sitch....I couldn't find the details whether you're S and how old your kids are.
Have you been kind to yourself lately? Take some special "tuff-time"? I know it's difficult with kids and their schedules, but, I think it may do your PMA some good to find more GAL stuff.
Did you happen to see Eric's the star inside of you thread? If not, please check it out. It helps to keep many things in perspective. It helped me, anyway.
Shining - thank you for stopping by. I'm not sure what you meant by "Eric's the star"? My kids are 15, 12, and 6 and are the joy of my life. My H moved out in June. He is one of the very quiet types - avoiding any conversation of any kind. Drives me nuts. I am much better today and just hope and pray that the low times won't get as low as before. I am just tired of this roller coaster - I never thought I would still be in this situation 6 months ago. I wax and wane about standing for my marriage or just moving on a different path. I know I can only focus on me and my growth and my kids. I am trying to do that and just let it go and let God. There is absolutely nothing I can do for my H at this time and I don't think he has even started to figure himself out - he is too busy running from it all and looking for relief elsewhere. I need to find peace within myself and that needs to be enough for me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lol....it didn't even occur to me to add the link here.... duh.
I'm learning so much, even UNRELATED to MLC from the some of the best people
Tuff,
It's so difficult when we can't communicate with H. I miss him so much. We leaned on each other for everything. Now he has gone dark. I get what you mean.
I'm finding myself in a similar position now. I had a lot of contact with H over the past 6 months since S when I moved out. I'm grateful for the opportunity to show my changes, but I doubt he had had any growth yet. Now that our house is sold, he has his apartment....I think he is just now starting to figure out what he wants. I've heard from him less than ever this past weekend, almost none...it succcks.
It's not at all like the S I've heard other non-MLC couples go thru. The confusion, push-pull, I want you, I don't....it seems endless.
I'm trying so hard to shift focus. It's not easy, because is know what I want, and I can't have that. I'm also seeing areas now, that I'm not ready....even if H were to suddenly want to R. I'm not where I want to be yet to make is successful. I will need to be stronger and kinder to myself, and keep my boundaries, or it will end up repeating the old R. And illness here again. I ain't doing this again.
Hang in there, tuff. Eric's post is something I read many times.
Job and Shining - Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I needed that desperately today. I know I am paralyzed by fear - especially early on - so crippling. Getting to the bottom of that is the hard stuff- I am trying. Thank you for reminding me and encouraging me to get the focus off of him. So many things ring true in Eric's post. Shining - my H has really decreased his already minimal conversation with me too. I know I am so early in I can't even imagine r. I also know that I am just beginning my journey and at times I get excited about finding out who I really am and where I have been all these years. I sometimes get jealous over other posters who get the touch n goes because I get nothing but I also don't get the nastiness so that is a fair trade I guess. I try to be pleasant and engage in small talk around the kids so they don't feel such a strain but it is hard when it is 1 sided. I am definitely nowhere near completing my inner work - if we ever truly are. I know it takes a long time as it is proving to be - initially I couldn't even see 7 months out but here I am and I feel like I have just started really implementing tangible changes in myself. I can't even remember what it was like really before the BD. I know it is something that I don't want to return to - we were basically 2 people living under 1 roof but living separate lives - he had been detaching for at least a year. Thanks for giving me some uplifting reading for the day -I hope your day goes well!!!
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duh.