Wife officially walked away just over a month ago

[asat82]

Sounds like you have the right idea an mindset. I can definitely relate as I fell into a trap that had me turning into a less outgoing confident person, which happened for many reasons. Just keep working on yourself and returning to your confidence, but as a new person! Sounds like you are making great strides.

[Nettles]

You do realize how rare a July rain is here, right? This won't last.

Mac, I'm guessing you spend a lot of time on social media checking out what W is doing. I also think she knows this and intentionally puts stuff out there for you to see. How about it? True?

So are you going to go cold turkey on checking W's social media or do you have a plan to wean yourself? Any hope of detachment starts when you commit to a plan about social media. Whatever the plan, come here and post when you are weak. We'll 2x4 you.

Probably wouldn't hurt to lower your activity. I'm guessing you post often. It helps that external acceptance thing and not having to think about how you feel about yourself, right?

[Ben2010]

^^I completely agree with this. I spied on the wife with her iCloud account so I could see her text messages and all of her contacts, phone records, emails etc. This drove me insane. As soon as I stopped doing it is when things turned around for me. I stopped having to think about what she was doing all the time. This is a big part of detachment. Stop looking at your Ws facebook or whatever it is youre seeing. Leave it alone and worry about yourself right now and what you need to fix.

[Zues126]

Hey Big Mac. I basically gave up my own thread, I'll just speak up in yours time to time. Careful, I'm co-dependent, maybe just looking to LATCH ON!!!

Here's what's been helping me. Before seeing my wife I do three things. 1) I reread Sandi's 37 rules (even though I have them memorized). 2) I remember my 180...focus on the needs of OTHERS. That means my KIDS and my stbx's need for distance. 3) I say a prayer I wrote (remember, I'm a few weeks back to God now):

Lord, I pray that you fill both STBX and my soul with your love. Give me the strength to stand TALL, living the way YOU'D have us live. Help me to shun the weakness and neediness that prevents me from trusting YOUR lead. Open our hearts and provide us the strength to live the way you'd have us, peaceful and released from our own twisted desires. I know you put me where you need me to grow in your spirit and I thank you for that. Help me resist the temptation of my will so that yours may be done. And please help guide STBX and keep her fulfilled as well.

When I do these three things I feel that weak part of me get strong. And then my first thought is "I hope STBX sees that in me" but immediately I let it go and go back to being the dad my kids need me to be. Sometimes I say this prayer throughout the day at work. Or at night. It has been helping me have faith it will be for the best.

Tonight I have been tested. I was over to see the children (Sundays/Thursdays for now) and had a very brief exchange. Then I got a text message from her about some random thing, first since DB one month ago. I replied casually, she replied back, that was it.

I know it wasn't a text that represents her missing me. If anything it was a symbolic victory for her that she's growing strong enough that she doesn't fear me or hide from me. No chance she trusts me or wants an R right now. But it is a step in the right direction of forming a FRIENDSHIP from which we can effectively coparent the kids. No matter what I believe that is in the cards and I'm grateful that we can do that. I don't know anything beyond that but it means a lot that she has the strength and character to keep me in their lives and be gracious about it. They mean so much, I feel like life is OK when I'm with them no matter what.

Of course I have dreams that one day we'll do some things with the children together, them maybe each other. But not for a long time if ever. And first I have to be a husband she deserves. She's smart and wise enough to make healthy decisions. Unfortunately a month ago that healthy decision was to leave my crazy a$$. I needed to grow up and I will. I do pray that God wants us together, but then follow it up that if he doesn't that he gives me the strength to continue to be strong in the gifts he has given me.

Sorry to hijack, just wanted to say hi and share a prayer that has been useful. Take care Big Mac!

[BigMac]

So, I am down in the new town (where the W moved to) checking out neighborhoods, having a couple client meetings for work, and generally just trying to make this move ok with me.

W texts me this morning, asking if I am in the new town, and I reply that yes I was, that I was exploring neighborhoods. We texted back and forth for a bit about some challenges she was having at work. It seemed pretty positive, and I felt good about it. I had to get to some work done, and meet with some clients so I cut the txting short after saying that if she ever needed an unbiased ear to bend, that I am always happy to listen as she talks through it.

Tonight, (later the same day) she called asking me to lunch tomorrow. She has some packages of mine that ended up at her place when she forwarded all the mail from the house that she wants to give me.

It is baby steps, and I'm still going through the emotional roller coaster of codependancy. I am going to do some heavy meditating in the morning. I really need to focus on not worrying about the future, or the past but enjoy the present.

The present is simple, the W reached out to have lunch with me. Her contact is escalating. It may not mean anything, but it is good to have a conversation with someone who I called my best friend and soulmate for 14 years. It is an opportunity for her to see the positive side of me, to start to see how much I have been growing (I know it may not look like it on the board, but I have grown immensely over the past couple months).

I just need to accept if for what it is. It is an increase in communication. It isn't a sign of something bigger, she is probably going to be with the OP until it fizzles out, and even then there may not be an us. It may just be too late, but I need to heal myself either way.

Ben / Nettles. My rationalization is that I am very scared of a Divorce. And I have been seeing the preparations (cleaning up evidence of contact with the OP. stuff like that. I am combining that fear with co-dependancy and this need to control things. The reality is that there is not much I can control here, except for me. And I'm not doing a great job at that.

Or maybe I am doing a great job, and this is normal for a person in my position. Sometimes I don't give myself permission to feel, permission to be human. I am doing so much better then I was a month ago, and a month before that. I will continue to heal as this goes on. I must.

[BigMac]

I came across this post on the MLC forum (I do believe my W has been in a MLC for the past 2 years of so) and then waited for an escape to become a WAW.

It is a recipe for success dealing with a MLC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...=199#Post566433

Here are the parts of the recipe -

RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
IN DEALING WITH MLC

Ingredients needed:

PATIENCE-You will need a large quantity of patience. If you lack patience, you will first need to acquire it before proceeding with the recipe.

PMA-A consistent Positive Mental Attitude is necessary in dealing with the insanity of your spouses MLC. Without this ingredient, the recipe will be a failure.

FAITH-You need a strong faith, and to believe this experience is about lessons God wants you to learn. That in all crisis situations in life, is when we learn and grow the most. Put your trust in God. What ever happens will be Gods will.

PERSAVERENCE-You will need to find this special ingredient. There will be many times when you want to give up. Without this ingredient you might as well scrap the recipe and ask for a divorce. Perseverance can be found deep within yourself, you just have to look for it.

PRAYERS-You will need a daily dose of prayers. You cannot survive this journey alone, you need to ask God for help. Ask God to give you the strength to not give up and to guide you on your journey.

LISTENING SKILLS-Good listening skills are necessary for your spouse to trust you and be open with you. Do not try and defend yourself, it will just make your spouse withdraw.

LEARNING SKILLS-This recipe would not be complete without good learning skills. You need to read and understand as much as you can about MLC, it will help you in dealing with your spouse, and be less angry towards them. Knowledge will give you greater strength and make you feel more in control of your life.

EMPATHY-You will need this ingredient as you learn more about MLC, and have a better understanding of the pain and turmoil your spouse is feeling inside themselves.

COMMITMENT-Without a commitment to never, never, ever give up, you will bale out early from all the pain and agony. Remember, no pain, no gain.

FORGIVENESS-You will need to learn how to forgive your spouse, and to forgive yourself.
"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself."

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE-You will have to discover the meaning of unconditional love, that no matter what you or your spouse has done to hurt each other, or misbehaved during your marriage, you will need to love each other and yourselves unconditionally.

LIFES LESSONS-You will need to learn life’s lessons. That throughout our lives, we grow Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. That this MLc experience is a great opportunity for both you and your spouse to grow, and learn all that you are supposed to learn at this stage of life.

LETTING GO- You will need to finally detach or "Let Go" of your spouse. Set them free. You have no control over whether they return or not. If they decide to return, it will be because of how you have treated them and acted towards them through their MLC journey. By letting go, you will be giving your spouse the space they need to work things out themselves.

TIME-Lots of time is needed for this recipe to work. If you don't give your spouse the proper amount of time they need, you will lose them. It is their journey, they are in control of how much time they need. Don't try and rush things. It's probably a good time to toss in another handful of PATIENCE, you can never add to much to this recipe.

SENSE OF HUMOR-After you have found and mixed together all the ingredients listed above, it is time to lighten up and enjoy life. A good sense of humor will get you through the most trying times. Trust me, it doesn't get anymore trying then dealing with a spouses MLC, not even the death of someone close to you.

The greatest chance for success with this recipe is to consistently add all of the ingredients. Do not forget any one ingredient, or put to little amount into the mix. You may need to tweak the recipe for your own taste.

There is no MAGICE ingredient that will cure MLC. It requires a well thought out plan and process. There are no shortcuts.

I am going to list ingredients that have been used in past recipes for dealing with MLC. It has been shown that these ingredients do not work and should not be used.

Do not use these ingredients:

BEGGING, PLEADING, CRYING-Do not use these ingredients as they have done nothing more than push the spouse with MLC further away.

CONTROL/MANIPULATE-Use of these two ingredients will lead straight to disaster. Trying to control you spouse will them run very fast and very far away.

THREATS-Threatening your spouse with divorce will do nothing more than aggravate the situation. it will not make your spouse desire to return home.

FIXING, CHANGING, CONVINCING YOUR SPOUSE- Forget trying to fix or change your spouse, that's not your job. As far as trying to convince your spouse that what they are doing is wrong. Save your breath.

ANGER-Do not become angry towards your spouse. They will return to you greater anger. Give love and, ACT AS IF you are happy and life is good to you.

GUILT-Trying to make your spouse feel guilty about leaving you and the kids will not work. Your spouse is very self-centered at this time, they only think of what they want. They are tired of trying to take care of everyone else’s needs while neglecting their own.

ACCUSATIONS/BLAMING-Accusing your spouse or blaming them for all the problems in your relationship will do no good. They are already convinced their unhappiness in life is because their married to you. So don't go there.

DEFENDING-When your spouse tries to tell you what it is they don't like about you, don't try and defend yourself. Just sit there and listen, give them full eye contact and validate what they are saying. You don't have to agree with them, but you need to validate that what they think and feel to them is the truth. Whether it is or not, it does not matter.

As you work with the RECIPE FOR SUCCESS, you will learn more about what works and what doesn't. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't.

[Nettles]

Why are you so focused on diagnosing W ? You need to detach.

You posted earlier that you were studying Buddhism. This is one of my favorite quotes from the Buddha. It applies to you and W.

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." - Buddha