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Joined: Jun 2014
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nova Offline OP
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Wow, it's been a while since I have been on here. Between forum issues and my crazy schedule as of late, I guess I'm a little behind. Especially since it has been a very roller coaster two weeks.

I guess I'll begin where I left off in my last post. I went to W apartment to drop some things off two weeks ago on a Wednesday. All was going as per the usual with our interactions since BD, and then I totally buggered it. I was at the door, I had it open. All I had to do was to leave, and everything would have been ok. But I didn't. I closed the door, and I laid everything out there. I told her I thought the way she left me was disrespectful, I told her that it still irritated me that she hasn't given me a real reason for leaving, and that I felt like she just gave up on the relationship. I didn't yell or get angry, I didn't beg her to come back. I just told her what I felt. I was calm. Scary calm. A kind of calm I didn't know I had in me at the moment. When I finished, I felt a sense of relief having done that, but at the same time I felt mad at myself for ignoring what is taught here.

A few days later she messaged me that she would be canceling our cell phone plan this past Thursday. Very business like, very much the usual. But then later in the same day, she started messaging me again, talking about the cell phones she was thinking of getting and asking what I thought I might get. It doesn't seem like much, but it's really the first non-business interaction we've had in a while, just kind of a friendly chat about cell phones. I began to think maybe me laying everything out there made her think a bit, maybe drew her from behind her a wall for just enough. I knew not to put too much into it, but it was something.

Last weekend I got to check a box off the bucket list. I went to see the Orioles play at Wrigley field. I had a really good weekend, and I was in a really good place emotionally. Then things swung again.

My MIL was in town last week and wanted to have dinner with me. I am still pretty close with W parents and I was looking forward to seeing her. We talked about a bunch of things, including W and the divorce. MIL has no idea what is going on either, but we both agreed that we just need to let things play out and not push much. Or at least that is what I thought we decided on. As it turns out, MIL apparently went back and started talking to the W about everything and they got into a huge fight. The next day, W sends me an email accusing me of siccing her mother on her, and that she has tried to be civil about all of this and would appreciate the same. I really need family to stop trying to help me.

Every time I get to a place where I think I've made some progress, it seems like the bottom just drops out.


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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This whole process is full of one step forward two steps back issues.

I hit one today, myself.

It's part of it all. We just want as few of them as possible.

Your laying things out weeks ago is not something I cannot comment on because I did the same thing and while it was a setback for me, I learned a lot from it and have since changed my path. I'm not sure I'd be on the trajectory I am now without that so there's that for you to ponder.

I think it's great that you're in tight with MIL but you really have to make things clear about your game plan and how she's hindering it for you. She needs to steer completely clear and NOT step in. Have that talk with her and make it serious. I'm sure you know that though.

If you detach more (easier said than done) it doesn't feel like the bottom drops out of your progress. It just feels like a setback and then you get back up and move on.

Detach. More.

Last edited by Ss06; 09/02/14 01:46 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Jun 2014
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nova Offline OP
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You're right Ss06, I do need to detach more. Every time I think I have, something comes up that makes me realize I'm not quite there yet. Just have to keep on pushing through. Had talk with MIL, and told her that anything that we talk about should just be between us. I think I should also be a little more cognizant about how much I share with family and friends, just so that I limit these type of situations.

I was watching an episode of House last night, which is one of my favorite shows, and there was an interesting line in the episode. "I'm fine, I'm just not happy." I think that is a pretty accurate statement of where I am right now. I'm ok, job is going well, I'm eating healthier and exercising, I'm GAL'ing. But I'm not happy, at least not the happy I was before. Most of the time I just feel neutral. Sure there are some things that have made me hapy over the past few months, and things that have made me really sad, but for the most part, I feel, blah. Like I'm just going through the motions. So that's my next goal to work toward, along with detaching. I'm fine, now I just need to get to happy.


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 35
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nova Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 35
Nothing really new to report. Haven't had any real contact with W other than her telling me that she was canceling our joint phone plan and she wanted to give me some advance notice. Went on my own cell phone plan over the weekend. Other than that, just keeping on.

I do have a question that I'd like to ask. W has been moved out for almost 3 months now, and during that time, I've had limited contact with her, and generally only when she initiates (texting about something, dropping belongings off, etc). At what point (if at all) should I start initiating some contact? Things like sending her a fun, lighthearted text, or seeing if she wants to grab a bite to eat for lunch on a weekend to catch up and just talk (not about R of course). I know that some here have done that, but I'm not sure on timing, or how much is too much too soon. Any thoughts?


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 35
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nova Offline OP
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Well, today is three months since BD. I haven't talked to W in a week, haven't seen her in 4. In some ways, it has gotten easier, but I still find myself missing her a lot. It's a process, I suppose, a little better each day. Just have to take baby steps and try not to fall on my face.

Nothing new really, just a bit of journaling I guess. I think later this week I might try sending a light, friendly text, see how that goes, and proceed from there.


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 35
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nova Offline OP
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Posts: 35
Looks like my posts over the past few days have been lost in the aether. Luckily, I haven't had much to report. Things remain largely unchanged between W and I.

The one thing that is new is that this weekend, after about two weeks of zero contact, I sent her a message. It was a picture of our cat that I have doing something silly, and just said "She says hi!". W responded and we got to chatting a bit, and I said we should grab a bite to eat and catch up a bit. W agreed and this Friday we are grabbing dinner at a sandwich shop. I'm going into it strictly from the standpoint of catching up, getting some face time.

I figured after we decided to do dinner I probably wouldn't hear from her again until Friday. But yesterday morning she sent me a message with a link to video that she thought I would like (and she was right, it was pretty neat). It made me smile a bit that she thought of me, even if it was something completely random.


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 35
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nova Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 35
Dinner on Friday night went reasonably well. We ate and talked for about an hour an a half, just catching up and talking about whatever. No talk about the divorce or our relationship. It was really nice to see her. Then yesterday she send me a text while she is out shopping about something she found that she thought was amusing.

Which leads me to a few questions. How do I interpret all this? I can't tell if this is a baby step in the direction I want to go or this is her thinking we are just friends. How do I convey that I am OK (not mopey, living as if, etc) without her thinking that I am OK with the situation?


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
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