Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

I'm finding it very hard this week. It's now been about 6 weeks since bomb day and 4 since I decided to leave my old disfunctional me behind. It seems like he's still clinging on.

I wish I could talk to my wife: I miss her so much.

This isn't very good detaching is it?

[JCred]

You're doing just fine. It is normal to have a bad day or week.

I did notice your list of "some of your 180's"..

Goals are great for us and I believe we need them.
180's are good too if needed...

However, I have found in my own life that instead of trying to 180 everything on the list, that it is much more productive and produces lasting results if I break those changes down into smaller, more attainable goals...

For example.. I like to golf. If things are going bad, I have been known to want to give the game up altogether...I can't tell you how many times I have quit this game.

I will analyze, read books on it, watch videos... on and on and on..in my quest to find the perfect swing

.. "is it my grip, is it my backswing, my downswing, ball too far forward in my stance, am I swinging to fast, lifting my head ?"

Now how do you think my progress is with all of those things in my head. A golf swing takes only about 1 or 2 seconds..

I end up paralyzed with thoughts and goals and swing thoughts.....

THEN... I go back to my 75 year old golf pro..
"Take a couple of swings" he says...

"Take a couple more" as he goes around to look at my swing from another direction...

THEN..... He says to me something like..."Lighten up your grip and just take it back nice and easy and then on the downswing just let the club fall"

"Yea, but what about my stance and my posture?" I say....

"Let's just work on lightening up your grip and taking it back nice and easy and then let the club drop on the downswing"

Suddenly, the ball is jumping off the club and the game seems easy again.........

In other words, he understands that the mind can only handle so much at a time to make a more steady progress..Trying to put too much in can actually stop progress and you don't learn or keep ANY changes.... Sometimes you even GIVE up because it seems overwhelming. Why try if I can't succeed?


You are doing fine... Goals are fine.. I think it would be wise of you to make maybe one or two short term goals and put some of the others on the "back burner" (like your cooking)(no pun intended,just kidding) until the one or two short goals become....... get ready for this...(You're going to like this one because it's yours) Unconscious competence.......

It's ok to have a bad day or even a bad week.

The key I believe for you is to loosen your grip, take the club back nice and easy and let the club drop on the downswing...

[Old Dog]

Just spotted a pic on facebook of my wife with her friend having a good time last weekend. Another one of those times when you come across something unexpected and suddenly feel a cold hand clutching at you heart.

It's a good job I can go and unload on my counsellor in a few minutes. I'm supposed to be concentrating on taking steps forward to change, but instead I think I have unfinished grief business.

[Old Dog]

Getting back on track again now I think/hope. It felt as though I'd slipped back a couple of weeks.

I had a 'nice' talk with my counsellor and did the 'stand over here as an observer, look at the couple in your marriage: what would you say to them' thing.

Rang my wife afterwards and told her I'm planning to take the kids away for my second week's holiday soon to visit an old friend. I made the call short and business like - I had to check if it's OK to take the car - then asked to speak to each of them for a chat which was lovely.

[Eatsma]

ODSNT....

I likened this experience the other day to my IC to the tides of the ocean. The waves come up and retreat, move forward and retreat...Sometimes the water is rough, and sometimes it's more gentle, but it's always moving.

I hope you have a nice holiday planned!