mlc rut

[BrightFuture]

AJ, yes, you are right, I have been thinking about GAL as some kind of activity outside of the house. When you put it this way, that it could be some time alone, it makes more sense now. Plus, it takes away some pressure, LOL.

To me the point is to live your life as you WANT to live it. And in some cases, we don't know what that life would look like without our long term partner in the picture. So we often encourage people to try things they haven't done before (within reason) and "explore" the life they may not have even considered existed beyond their previous relationship.

– Yes, I agree with this. Thank for “spelling” it out for me.

25yearsmlc, this made me think: “Being stuck can feel less terrifying than moving forward, which could be the root of their "stuckness".” You might hit the nail on the head here. And thank you for sharing your experience in Alaska. Sounds like you had to push yourself very hard there.

I don’t understand what you found to be hilarious in my descriptions of the main issue that H brought up. I’m sorry if it was not very clear or sounded ridiculous (which it probably does to people who didn’t know us in our M.) It could be that I didn’t describe it well enough. English is my second language, so it is quite possible that what I write sounds right to me, but not to other people.

I also might misstated that this was the main issue. The main issue was that he was no longer in love with me. And here are the others that I was told about right after the BD:
1. We argued about his female friends. Hence I displayed the trends of jealousy and being clingy. – I admit that (to a certain extend) and have been working on this.
2. We didn’t talk like we used to at the beginning of the marriage. – True. Lots of resentment built over the years.
3. He didn’t want out marriage to be like one of my parents with constant arguing. He only has about 10-15 years to live (judging by his family’s history), so he wants to be happy for the remaining part of life.
4. I was spying on him, hence he lost the trust. – Partially true. I was authorized to look at the accounts, etc. Was it my fault that I was able to spot the questionable stuff and ask him about it?
5. I was very negative and this is something he said would never change. – True. I had the tendency to be negative (I thought it was being realistic.) This issue I fixed, I can say that 100%. He is actually more negative than I’m these days, LOL.
6. I didn’t like to go the concerts. – Completely not true. Not sure where it came from. Actually I have an idea, but not going to go into it here.
7. I didn’t like to go to the bars with him. – Also not true.
8. I didn’t make lots of friends and didn’t keep in touch with people I met. – Partially true. I’m just not one of these people who are in touch with anybody and everybody 24/7, like on Facebook, if you know what I mean.
9. H’s sister said to him that she was surprised that we even were still together. – This one completely doesn’t make sense to me, but it was one of the reasons.
These are the once I remember. I might have missed some. Feel free to say that those are hilarious too. Some of them actually are. And I don’t know what he would say the issues were in our M if you ask him now. He might actually not know anymore.

Sorry for the high jack again.

Pbetra, I know what you mean about not being detached enough. I’m coming to 3 years post DB, and I still have the moments…

Congratulations on losing the weight! I’ve trying to lose a few LBs, but without success. I do meditation too. It helps. How about friends? Do you any close friends, GFs?

[pbetra]

Before I begin, I think I left this info that related to the above responses, it was actually the 'tail end'.

I may have answered that I agreed with -
> not detached
> agree w/ getting together with re people who know nothing of sitch. This would NEVER have occured to me.
My good friends know. When people see you alone & they too are alone, they 'sniff out the sameness,'then gravitate. It's a 2-way reaching out street.

I got esp. close to one individual - we were both suffering the same fate & the coincidences were uncanny! The two h's were very similar. Soooo it was inevitable - we vented re our similar sitch. The other (not so close but a good friend) would ask how r things? And the talk would begin.

It's easy to be with people who you share common issues with. After all, no one else 'gets it.'
The flip side in this case is the all too frequent regurgitation of mlc & all its craziness intruding on everyday life - not getting balance with non mlc talk. This can certainly keep an lbs in the same place. And boy or boy did we talk! Just didn't think of it - thk. u!

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And now for the current post (turned out much L O N G E R than planned!!)
'Addendum': Slumbered

Thanks for waking me out of my slumber 25yrsmlc - this conversation has me thinking a lot. Thanks as well AJ & Bf, your feedback allows me to reflect on overall sitch as well, in an effort to do better, in this my 2nd yr.

Below is a bit of a spin off from the 25yrsmlc's post- 'parts 1 & 2' (aka 'ps') & your own responses.

Not always specific:
I know I may have come across as crytic at times, so I am genuinely trying to decipher when & why 'cryptic occured.' This regards not being 'specific' sometimes (I thought I was!) I was thinking of all the advice re GAL & why I was not consistent. After all, 25yrsmlc was preaching to the converted even if it didn't seem that way.

Irregular:
First of all, there were many times when I did not post regularly. Sometimes certain incidents/ events'occured but were missed or not posted, & so re-emergence to the forum seemed 'gappy.' This is more of an unconscious action.
There is also some information that I will NOT post on the web. I trust this forum, very much - we all came here for a reason. It's that huge circle external to this forum that I am mindful of. This is more of a conscious action.
So there could be a 'gappy feel' in there soemtimes ...

Last night I slept quite well. However, I do not always sleep well. As a matter of fact, most times i don't. I don't typically take sleeping pills b/c I have to check on parent twice during night. My body is like a perfectly working clock now! First wake up call at 2, next at 5 (European trains could run on my time!)

Excuse me:
The remaining explanations would have some *'excuses' & will take some serious contemplation to sort irrelevant from relelvant (this can be like sludge or a bargain bin - sorting the crap from the good finds )
What is 'excuse'? What was the reason for?

'Mind' the GAL:
I am thinking if I believe in GAL, why didn't I do more of it? After all, I have told myself that by 'doing,' I would get away from everyday reality, and the practise of this/GAL would help replace 'bad mind-space' with 'good /different (experiences) mind-space.' And a happy mind is a great place to live!!

*What stopped my rhythm & why didn't I see it? (Thinking out loud)

> location location location
It's not bad here, but it's QUIET. Pretty, but quiet. Pretty quiet! Ha
Demographically, I dont have many 'immediate' GAL options. I have to travel for that (not far, but it's not 'here' either)
My thinking was limited to the physical. I forgot that I wanted to practise an idea from Cameron's The Artist's Way (one 'self' date a week which is a WONDERFUL IDEA when you think of it). The creativity comes in thinking about how to 'interpret' a date that is beneficial for you - be it going to a place, making something, spending time alone (& how?) but that's another post! I think I sugggested this before (?) but forgot for myself somehow! (?)

- sporadic crime in the area
Well this is the world isn't it? I was warned re a spate of abductions & told to be more careful re 'my get up & walk habits' when possible. I still (!) go (as i enjoy walks) but awareness is heightened. That has / will NOT change. This is non-issue but related to location, above & autonomy (just a 'look at' as I lay out what I can before me to see what's going on with me)

> $$
I know that this $$ may seem as an excuse (?!) &/or maybe I am just stuck. Again, I am trying to bring clarity to sitch (just vent-writing on the e-page here). Thing is, there were times when money WAS a burden.

This was a problem with no work 'on the horizon' until recently. It's takes time to get known esp. when you are not 'out there' b/c you CAN"T be out there. Thanks to technology (!!) though - I am trying to optimize, since I do not have the autonomy to go /do as I please at any given time.

Generally speaking, financial needs are met (amen, thk u thk u), but quite often there is simply no room for anything beyond that (needs include some care arrangements which were put in place years ago. details r NOT for web).

> home needed/needs constant repair work!
have had ongoing plumbing, electrical ... part of my ceiling even caved in with water damage (leaving really attractive opening ) I think I got carried away surviving, not living in the current of all the issues. It was a 'take care of NOW or it's just going to get worse' type of thing. And so they came, one problem after the other ...

Egs.
One day when I was fed up (!) of constant budgeting & needed to get out, I thought "dammit" (I was just 'full).' I had an invitation & intended to accept ( re coffee house). The first thought was "do I really have money for this?" then the next, "When (!!) will you have money?" That was it - GOING! (this antagonism & polar pulls re money 4 needs not want 2s' was getting to me).
Some attendees were 'acquaintances (so no personal talk emerged btw mlc25yrs)

The outing was wonderful! Had a great time! I left earlier than the others (as usual). I always have to get back to house for some reason or another (this will be so until I can afford to have a full time help at house to stay w/elderly prt). I usually work around it when carer or h is physically at home (h tells me if he will be at home or not when I ask. I don't ask for details. I let him know that I need to b away for a few hours & if he will be here or not - that sort of thing). Should an emergency (health, electrical, other) occur, at least someone can call for help.

Anyway, this was a low period financially, so I taxi-ed part of the way & walked the remainder. When I had to pay taxi, I was $1.00 short! (my error - I was pretty sure I planned EVERYTHING down to the last detail to make this outing possible). For a brief moment, I panicked (the money stress was getting to me at that time), but then I remembered I had quarters (! yea) and paid him.

As I was walking the route I planned after the taxi leg of the trip, I thought 'God' whoever, he, she or it actually is was with me .. I thanked 'life' for having those 4 quarters (seems silly I know) & also for being able to go (!!) to the outing, although I would have liked to stay longer (I do feel as though I am always on the clock, but 'some' is better than NONE!!!). The void was filled a bit b/c of the GAL.

During those lean 'lean' periods I walked to buy food, AND I wasn't always in the mood or had the energy to do. All of this is tiring & stressful when one is essentially 'just surviving' & not living. I didn't realize when I got lost in the fog ... This is just distraction. Loss of focus so 'things happen to' & one loses control. Awareness of personal sitch is key. I see that now.

I fed, bathed, 'toilet-ed' parent-patient, lifted (!!) I may be young relative to an elderly parent, but I am 50). My parent looks feeble but the dead weight is a struggle for me some days. I have injured my wrist, my index finger and thumb during lifting periods. I am getting a hernia I am told. Ba ba ba BUT!! ... one thing at a time (breathe right?). All this took place as I attended to child, C. homework etc ... and trying to be upbeat. Taking time outs in the washroom as I breathed, cried (sometime) self talked, before returning to C.

Cleaning, cooking, laundering, garage/yard work took place during the 'in-between' times. Buying food when it ran out - the 'on foot & carry method'. And then the cycle would start all over again ... All this while enduring hostility from h. - whom I loved and with whom I had to PMA - sometimes not successfully. Back to washroom peeps!!! ("taking time outs in the washroom as I breathed, cried (sometime) self talked, before returning") At other times, while the house seemed to fall apart in my growing frustration, it felt like was like the feast / famine analogy. This period was -> one thing after another, but then again, that's how 'it,' life unfolds! The dam breaks. I even managed some "light cement work' as immediate attention was needed! Well, my skill set is certainly developing right?

Geez, I continued with survival mode (automatic pilot?), doing what I could while parent napped , then stopping when parent woke, attending to 'whatever' etc, then child from school, supper ... & cycle all over again! How things can creep up on you.

Slumber within a dense fog - you cannot SEE when you sleep and if you should open your eyes, still cannot SEE in the dense fog. Here is the time for using senses - ACUTELY! And carefully finding one's way out of the fog with ALL the senses ... Am still rambling -

Recollection - let's go 2 da movies!:
One day I felt as if I was unravelling. Around that time, I could not retain information like before. Recollection was poor including information from DB books, & related suggested reading & all other books that I enjoyed reading for pleasure. Even new instruction books/expressive arts, craft were just 'there' - I couldn't 'absorb' any of it.

I reassured myself - "you're just tired - your body & mind is talking to you, just listen." But I WAS worried in spite of the self talk. I was also very self conscious. This is NOT a good experience (!), and my self assurance obviously wasn't really 'believed' on deeper levels.

I thought I'd take an information break and shifted to movies. I didn't know if what I was doing was right, but I wanted my mind to not 'do' so much work. The sights, sounds & colours re: movies were easier.' The movie is 'passive', the movie 'did the work.' I could 'rest' whereas with the books, I had to do the work and my mind had problems grasping & retaining the information. I lost (even more) self confidence during these times & I was uncertain of EVERYTHING. I also listened to music - always a feel good move for me. I have background music as I do the daily mundane & predictable tasks.

Re h, it is possible that this may have led to 'observation mode.' When one is not 'clear' about what to do, it is best to do nothing so as to not exacerbate the sitch. Who needs 'more' while running on empty? Just thinking aloud as I sort' ...

Synopsis:
I have been tired, depressed, poor, &/or cyling among them all while meeting head on with 'my alien,' my old, dear friend, my h who I lost - w/ his hostilities erupted all over the home. Fatigue + Survival mode + raging spouse ... There were days I thought if only I cud get THE SPACE to just think (!), HEAR my thoughts, sort myself out ...

25yrsmlc, aj, bf - Thanks re the nudge. I was floating along, in an ailing sitch that should have been better a year later. Your posts have poked me to see that NO good will continue if I remain on this road - I MUST DETOUR at the next intersection.


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ps:

today's 2 try

> continue with 25yrsmlc suggestion re h/"mlc". concentrate on bite sizes

> TAW plan BEFORE, even if 'loosely' what might work (for a 2 week - 3 month period). With child but also need ME time.

> To avoid slipping into slumber. - am including online reminders as written ones can get overlooked, lost (!) whenever things start to escalete or accumulate. Can't think of anymore for now -

[pbetra]

Sorry for the high jack again.

BF pls. don't worry re 'highjack'
I love reading your stuff (& others)! Your itemized reply to AJ is helpful too.

Pbetra, I know what you mean about not being detached enough. I’m coming to 3 years post DB, and I still have the moments…

Yup, I hear you. Since I am significantly less emtional re: h on a day to day basis, I thought I pretty much had it under control. Whoa! Now i see that I am still close to the starting point !!

Congratulations on losing the weight! I’ve trying to lose a few LBs, but without success. I do meditation too. It helps. How about friends? Do you any close friends, GFs?

Walking everyday in the beginning helped me & cutting down on (not 'out) carbs - I LOVE carbs btw, so it was hard! The metabolism stalls & could easily make you give up - eventually it will 'right' itself with persistence (IF for you, just saying what I did).

Meditation is going well so far & neuroscience is discovering how beneficial this is for us. Had trouble staying focused at one time but that's behind me

I do have friends and some encourage me to join them. My life is not always settled so where some are concerned, I have had to keep a safe distance. I am taking 25yrsmlc advice re making friends who do not know sitch.

Will pop over to your thread soon - my eyes are killing me right now!!!
Again, thanks for the highjack!! Appreciate it, p.

[pbetra]

Ironic.

what a day so far.
I began to try the above for myself. h met me wanted to talk & boy did we have it out. he's angry w/me (living like roomates - well whose fault is that). I guess in his way, he's been trying bu tI've been 'numb' to him. I also feel that the same problems would reoccur.
my 25yrsmlc plan was good before, but then the fight cam eup. To avoid the the urge to 'fall' back, I am venting here.

Also called project head to discuss 1st submission - got the ok, so that was great! Hadn't heard from her & wondered if soemthing was not quite right. A year ago, I woudln't have been able to get past go.

have not exercised though ... & defintiely don't feel like .
For my date, I may look at movie with warm cocoa later tonight as I can't leave the house.

[pbetra]

Hi there,

been popping by recently but not long enough to stay. Still trying to work out transitioning ... Having an income has certainly helped. Working on new (!!) project although not large - am very grateful!

In any event, now that I can think a 'teenie weenie' bit clearer, been trying to prevent some of the things I went through, in terms of security & peace of mind!!

I do not want a repeat of recent events - not just the mlc aspect.
( btw h comes & goes - more on that in a bit ).

preparing for the 'next wave of hardship' as this income is a bit 'sporadic'. Not saying that there will hardship, be but preparing.

• 1st of all, I am saving.

• I am also aggressively looking for similar projects (esp. since I am less fatigued & can absorb the info. as well as better collate me thoughts)

wondered how can I do this now? But not b 4? re overall improved planning

• I let go tight grip nf rope

• am sleeping a little better (although this still needs improvement! All in good time I guess) - am choosing what to worry about at this point & that's not one of them!

• Try to nap during day when I can (instead of attending to that 'last load of laundry' etc where I was just 'running on automatic.' Taking advantage of school holiday re naps etc. I dont have to help C. w/ homework after school, clohting for school, lunch /snack prep. ...

1st thing I bought with pay check was:

• vitamins

• omega 3s

• milk thistle ( liver impurities can hamper energy, thinking, overall health as you know)

• natural sleep aid advised to me by helper (who works for doctor)

2 capsules were 2 much initially but it worked - I can get up during night re parent and still (!!!) return to sleep!! With the others, I couldn't do that. I do not take every night either, just when really exhausted.
Am not a pill popper. There are too many toxics in food, meds etc & we should all be viligent.


2nd thing I did with paycheck > activities w/child, C!!!

I spent a lot BUT boy oh boy did we have fun, do a lot together!! It was absolutely wonderful, (!!!) all the outings & time spent together.

Had 1 image 'come to me' as we passed location I knew h frequented (while on a bus w/C) I got lost in the scene as I was looking at, but for only a few secs. followed by a strange sadness & disconnect (?), before discarding the thought. 'Returned to the moment' enjoying the plans w/C. No such reoccurances took place after that one - weird how mind works.


For years, the kids used to come over to play and I started that again for C. The energy & love from these little buggers I find 'disguistingly therapeutic' & they really DO love me. I feel it as they express it openly. Love ignites love - we all benefit. They are even good around parent & vice versa. I bought the instant brownie mixes etc (to make life easy for me re prep. time) Planning a sleep over before school starts - for a few of them. I am sooo excited! (probably more so than they are - 'hilarious'!!


3rd thing I wanted to do w/ with pay check > get clothing:
I didn't get to buy much clolhing. My stuff although tidy, looks a bit worn, old. I did get 2 inexpensive tops 'as starters' They are bright & colorful too!

No biggie though, there's always next time. I would rather always spend on EXPERIENCE than 'things' anyway. The clothes look great bu tit is the experience I feel - remember and can recall when I need.

Hope that I continue to get work occasionally. If I don't at least, I got a break from the assault of one thing after another. I often think Im not so special to go through life issue free - but I do NEED to come up for air sometime. Didnt feel that way for a while & it was getting to me.


I think I just needed some SPACE & PEACE for a period of time. Some breathing room ya know? Some sleep ...

h / prior to today & my reaction
h spent long periods of time away, got a place (dont think its long term though) Kept coming back & often re: C. H left $$ for C. to enjoy specific summer park events while visiting family for summer ( which was nice).

He continues to be consistently aggressive re pursuit / intimacy when around. All cake eating, entitlement of course. I avoid meeting but with C it is not always possible, & sometimes C wants me there (as not always comfortable w/ h).

I continued to be considtently stubborn in spite of intimidation for intimacy. So many of past (raging) experiences began again ... BUT I didn't cave in this time round even though I was scared - won't lie (shh) He is very intimidating & he knows how to be so effectively w/me, but I did not budge from my stance. I used to just give in to 'end it all' avoid the confrontation, restore peace.

Since my last post there was a big impact episode - I didnt care what happened. I stood my ground & went dark after that, didnt give a ' ' ... I stood not for M as in marriage, I stood FOR M - "ME"

Sometimes, I see the sadness on his face - but these events (his) are transient anyway. I know nothing has changed. I feel a bit like the WAS now. Had this happened before, I would have jumped at the chance since he was 'trying'. I think that my timidity must have been annoying for h - but it still doesn't make it right.


stretching boundaries
feel ok, but not completely relaxed as yet. I know i am far from being "out of the woods." Still have rivers to cross, wild animals, danger at night before getting through. Every now & then the thought does frighten me - I don't have experience re these things (but that IS one way to get experience right?!)

fear
What interferes with my (consistent) progress is fear - it's automatic. Got to train the 'good ole amygdala'. Didn't fully realize how beaten down I was ... on some level "sure," but not to the extent (& there's still more fear bubbling up) uh uh

I would like to get some GOOD resources re fear - anyone know of ???
Personal opinion? I have resources from forum re depression, abandonment ... apart from mlc related subjects here, but nothing on fear. Maybe I forgot? I haven't come across here re some of the threads I saved.

Well, 'that's all folks' p.

[job]

If you are still looking for resources on fear, I am going to suggest that you do an internet search on the subject. I think you will find what you are looking.

BTW, you need to start a new thread. This one is going to lock very soon.