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Joined: Feb 2008
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Well B, I hate to say this but your reality has changed. With that you have to change with it.

First, why did you send the invitation pic in the first place?

What you have to do is accept you are now truly separated in emotion and body as she is out of town. You need to respect that, understand your marriage is over (in a figurative way), and focus on the realities of what has transpired. This doesn't mean your marriage is over, but rather you need to change your mindset to that point....lovingly. So no more relationship talk...acting as if you are married...etc. You need to change your perception to that of a single father. Also stop the thoughts of bringing up moving to her new area....That just creates stress for everyone.

As for finances....Start thinking of how to budget your life without her income...now. In the same breath....she has left the marriage...on her accord....So she should not be expecting financial help from you at this point either. Marriage provides certain securities...leaving the marriage should mean those securities end. Does that make sense?

Now in no way am I supporting going online to chat....or date...or anything like that. Your focus has to be very easy...You and the kids...Nothing else. You are a single parent now and that needs to be your only focus. So get out of me mode and into I am a parent mode. You will be better off in the long run.

As for the sudden switch....I honestly think there is some one in the picture. At this point her references to you cheating are being used to validate whatever she is doing. You just keep admitting, accepting, and validating that you did what you did when she brings it up.....but the truth my seat is that something else is going on or has. You do not control what she does with the fact you cheated. That is her choice.....You can only continue to work away from being that man.


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Oh...forgot...Pick your battles. The drink for instance....She overstepped what you said and shouldn't have. I do agree, but at the same time...it is a drink. Not the end of the world...not going on the roof in a thunderstorm with a golf club in hand....a drink.

We all know going into that situation and conversation that there will be a fight....good or bad marriage. You should have let that one slide though. Sometimes peace is better than being right.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
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Originally Posted By: Barrybran
I found an article worth reading. Funnily enough, I found it on my wife's best friend's Facebook page.

http://earthweareone.com/6-toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal/


This is a really good article. Thanks for sharing


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

Joined: Dec 2013
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I don't know what to think at the moment, LFW. If there is someone on the scene, it would make her a hypocrite so between that and the move, I genuinely don't believe there is someone else. I do feel that she felt pressured by me and that she's overreacted accordingly. Where the truth lies may take some time to uncover.

It's a shame about her behaviour. I was going to buy her flowers for her first day in her own store in a couple of weeks time. Not as a pursuing thing but as a "we are your family and we support you" thing. Her behaviour of late makes me question why I would bother though I do want to 'live and love through' it because that's who I want to be rather than doing things because she 'deserves' or 'doesn't deserve' them. It's a fine line at the moment, that's for sure. If I do it, I would feel comfortable doing it because its celebrating her and her achievements rather than our relationship, even though I'm certain it wouldn't be taken that way. I'd have a clear conscience anyway.

As for the invitation pic, it was an event we we're both going to and my wife is quite creative. I knew there was a chance that she could be negative about it but I didn't think she would take it down that path and I got that call wrong. It's not an issue I can really avoid as my wife is still talking about going on the holiday though she's talking about not going to the wedding. I've left it alone for a while as we've got bigger fish to fry at the moment. Right now, I'm not comfortable with her joining us but it'll create waves if I say anything plus it's still several months away and things could improve in that time.

As for the finances, I'm on the weak side now. My wife's job is quite lucrative and I won't get by without her support or government support. She's told me she won't leave me in the lurch but she is so difficult to talk to that I've left her alone and tried to figure things out for myself. This morning, she transferred a substantial sum back into my account, which she has access to, and spoke about the bills in a joint fashion. There was a tense moment as she was asking me questions only she had answers to. When she started getting short with me, I called her out on it saying that I could only help if I had information to work with. From there, she started communicating more positively and answering questions I had. So in a nutshell, we're looking after finances together but how and for how long, I don't know.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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Originally Posted By: zed
Originally Posted By: Barrybran
I found an article worth reading. Funnily enough, I found it on my wife's best friend's Facebook page.

http://earthweareone.com/6-toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal/


This is a really good article. Thanks for sharing

You're welcome smile


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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Journaling:

Things are continuing downhill. A couple of household bills are due today and tomorrow and I contacted my wife, who is visiting family on the other side of the country, to ask about how we go about paying them. Pretty standard questions but she jumped down my throat and I wasn't very happy with her tone. I got the information I needed and the bills were paid.

During the discussion, I found out that my wife hadn't been putting money into our bills account as we had discussed. While she was unemployed, I transferred the lion's share and she was to top it up with the government family support payments she receives. She told me that we had insufficient funds to pay the rent and I had to breathe before responding because I was pretty unhappy with this information. Long story short, my wife feels that it is too difficult to manage two households worth of bills and asked me to contact the welfare agency to discuss my options to support myself. In a nuthsell, she's thrown it in the too-hard basket. I'm actually happy about this. My wife has always been difficult to work with where money is concerned and receiving my own family support payments will give me some certainty over how I can feed my family.

My long term goals are still the same but I'm comfortable with the short term. I need a break from my wife and I need greater control and certainty over my short term future. From a day-to-day standpoint, things are great. My boss has helped me keep my hours at work while reworking my roster so I can spend more time with my family. My kids are very well behaved, aside from a few trust issues with D4, and they're loving spending time with our babysitter, who has been fantastic. I'm also on top of my uni work, which I feared most as it was hard enough studying with an extra person in the house. I've got things really well organised here and things are going swimmingly.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
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Posts: 883
So a major milestone has occurred for me tonight. My wife asked me to look into applying for my own government payments to support the kids and I started the process tonight. One application is in and another will be completed as soon as I have two referees to confirm our separation. It's not how I want things to go but at this point, I need to make sure I can support myself and my wife won't have to support me, which should make her happier. It'll certainly make me happier knowing I can get by on my own. We'll see how we go.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
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B
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Posts: 883
Well that's a quick update. I shoot my wife a message to let her know about the payments and the conversation turns towards her having the kids. I fear things could get ugly now. I can't afford to move to where she is until I have a job and can support myself. I am not prepared to just hand the kids over, even though the elder two are not biologically mine they're still my kids and I'm still their Dad. I also can't afford a legal fight and I have never had any thought my wife would go down that path until now. I really do not like her attitude at the moment and our relationship will suffer so much more damage if she starts using the kids as pawns.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
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