I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[DBinSF]

And in the meantime, I'm sticking with my meditation program, hosting a men's group meeting tonight at my house, and calling my sponsor tonight and Thursday morning.

[25yearsmlc]

This werk I am flying to Philly for my MBA classes. This weekend I was in Oregon for a teen conference with Alanon/Alateen.

And in the mean time I'm trying not to spin out about her

While you are in Philly, look up the personal growth workshop called "Essential Experience" I told you about earlier. (In fact it's this weekend, which is pretty ironic).

And as for spinning, YOU ARE NOW SPINNING - so just stop it. You keep saying you want her to feel validated and heard, and she did, with your brief, to the point note. Now back off b/c

she also threatened to get a restraining order on you if you didn't stop harassing her. Don't take her one gesture towards you, and then stomp on it with your frantic need for more.

With your brief answer to her, which acknowledged her feelings and did not argue FOR more for yourself, you are letting her feel safe in reaching out.

If you pounce on it (as you are now threatening,) you'll blow it again. You send her running back to her cave.

DB, learn to Back off and STFU. I think it's going to help you more than anything else at this time.

Hang in there and STOP assuming it's either something to pounce on -- OR the death knell of the Relationship.

It's not a black and white thing; but you could make it that way if you keep spinning. Get off the merry go round now, okay?

Back off and put some trust in the love you two once had. If it was real on both ends, and if you back off, those memories will resurface so back off, STFU and try trusting your perceptions of what you had.

Let that grow back, recover, heal some....and we'll help you if and when you get a real chance for more with her. BUT NOW IS NOT THAT TIME.

No one here is advising you to reach out more. We are all in agreement so trust that, okay?

Got it?

Try answering some of the many questions you've been asked please. Those questions are for your benefit. But they take time, so do us the honor of answering them, alright? I promise you will get something out of that.

[25yearsmlc]

here are some reasons why you should NOT send this ANY TIME SOON (meaning not in the next 30-90 days) at least 30, but I'd prefer 90...

Ok, I'm not sending this, but I need to park it somewhere. If I do send it at some point, this would be the 1-2 week later message Wonka suggested. If anyone wants to pick it apart as a learning exercise, I'd be open to (and grateful for) that:

=========================
Julia,

I'm back from my whirlwind long weekend to Oregon. I so wish I had that program when I was a teen. Some of them are so wise and self aware at such a tender, young age. Sigh...

Lose the "Sigh" b/c it's too transparently about YOU and how IF you had that program you would not have hurt her or whatever...self serving.


I wanted to respond to your extremely vulnerable and open note with more thoughtfulness now that I've had more time to think about it. First, I wanted to thank you for your ability to have so much compassion and generosity. You never cease to amaze me with your willingness to show up, have empathy, and let go of your anger.

she did NOT say she has let it go so do not assume that she has. Even if she wants to, it's not linear and she has every right to still feel angry. Make NO assumptions about her emotions.

Second, I just wanted to say that I hear and honor and acknowledge the pain and confusion you've been through these last few months, and I take full responsibility for it.


too cliched. Say something more original like maybe "for which I am the cause"


I apologize both for my actions during our relationship, and for my selfish inability to let go and leave you alone in the months after our break-up. I know this isn't the place you wanted to be in, and I'm very, very sorry.

Note that this^^ letter might well be the exact thing she does not want, in other words it is again, YOU not leaving her alone.


Just remember you are the most wonderful woman I've every known, a wonderful woman, who deserves to and I'm sure you will be happy, joyous, and free again once you are through this.

Warmly,

You wish the best for her, but make no more mention of her present pain, b/c you are not in a position to judge it or comment upon it.

Too risky b/c you will either minimize it which is self serving, OR make it "so big" b/c it's all about her losing YOU and that makes it seem as if you believe she lost a great catch.

End it on a note that compliments her without asking for anything.

But frankly, you have already done that - so to me, this note is just more of what you said earlier and does NOT add anything to your previously sent note.

I still say, even more emphatically, to leave her alone and STFU

b/c in the final analysis, this really is all about you wanting more from her sooner. How is that different behavior? .

[Wonka]

DB,

25 has summarized nicely what you need to do the most right now: Back off and STFU.

It so happens that I operate a nice distribution center that distributes STFU cases at various strategic points in the US and abroad. Yeah, I charge licensing fees to local agents. Hey, I figured out a way to make money on the STFU stuff!

Oh and it comes in only 3 flavors:

-Duh-oh! (pure licorice flavor)
-WTF! (vomit flavor)
-Fubar! (booger flavor)

Enjoy!

P.S. I thought this would bring up some fond boyhood memories for ya.

[MrBond]

"That's exactly what I'm asking here. She said so many things in that message that I didn't address. I didn't "hold" her in anyway. I didn't "honor" or recognize her pain. Shouldn't I have done that? Isn't that doing something to show her I hear her?"

How did you not address any of her complaints? You did.

You don't seem to know how to back off and leave her alone.

[MrBond]

BTW, you NEED to start a new thread or this one will lock soon. It's hit the limit of posts.

[DBinSF]

Ok. Should I start a new thread in "Affairs?"