I feel like I am moving closer to the okay side of life. I still love him and I miss him...I miss the him from last year though, not this person pretending to be my husband. I know I will still cry when the papers are served, when the papers are signed, and when the papers are filed. But, I also know that I will have a sense of release when it is done.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Hang in there praying! I know the feeling of thinking how could someone that you love so much and had loved you back for so long, suddenly just not care or even want your love. It doesn't help when all around us we hear the platitudes about "You only get the love back that you're willing to give" and such but there, right in front of us, is this person we love so darn much and they just don't care. Hard, I know. I think that what made me really understand that this wasn't about me was when my W went from saying she would never put her kids through the pain of D like she went through as a child to "We all all hurt our kids, they'll get over it".
If it truly was about the M, then they wouldn't also turn their backs on the kids as well, no matter how "bad" they thought the M! I know how the sitch with the kids hurt's so badly. I have 2 girls, one who, at 14, really needs her mother there to help her transition into the woman she is becoming but can't count on her mom at all. I also can relate about the in laws "helping" him when the last thing he needs right now is someone 'helping" him do all the wrong things (in my case it's FIL).
If showing them how much we loved them and cared about them was the answer, most of us here would easily get through this and have great M's. Try to see that if it was really about you or your M he would still be the great dad he was before. Try to stop being "shocked" or upset when he does things like not care about his son's wanting him to go to his meet (something I also am still trying to stop doing so I know how hard it is!).
The best thing for both of us right now is to detach from our S and expect nothing. Make sure you get the best possible terms for yourself and your kids if he insists on going forward with a D. Try to see that he is no longer the loving dad and husband you remember, that person is gone and may never return (I know how hard that is, believe me)and in his place is this selfish stranger who you need to protect yourself and your kids from. One good thing about his going into the Navy is that he won't be able to get out of paying to support his kids so make sure he pays his fair share in any D.
I know you're hurting now but I can tell you are a good person with much to offer the people in your life and the world at large. You WILL come through this and when you do, you will see that you were the prize all along and if your H couldn't see this he is all the poorer for it. Some day he may come out of his MLC fog and realize just how much pain and damage he caused the people who loved him the most in this world. When that happens you won't be the person you are now but a better one whom HE will need to prove HIS worth and value to before you let him back into your life! Until then, know you aren't alone and we all are here and rooting for you.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Hope you're doing ok, Praying. I just realized, your BD and the day I found out about OW are the same date. Boy, that was a lousy day, wasn't it? Sheesh. Oh, and it's the same date That TL's H moved out. Wow, that was REALLY a bad day. Better days are to come for all of us, of that I am certain.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Hey, sorry I disappeared for a bit. I have decided to no longer be a stander. Since we are trying to do things 'nicely', he emailed me a preliminary copy of the papers. Nothing signed, served, official yet but just for me to get an idea of what they will say. He and his 21 year old are dating. From what I hear, her parents are questioning her about their relationship (she lives with them and he picks her up for dates).
It's really no big deal to me anymore. I am fine with the divorce. I have realized there is SO much I miss from a good marriage. There is so much I want and he has never given. We were not truly compatible and he isn't willing to make the effort for us to become closer.
So, that's it. I'm no longer attempting to save the marriage. I am letting him go and I am going my way as well. It is what it is.
I TRULY appreciate everyone on this board. You all are amazing people and I don't know where I would be without you.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
GA, I hope that you will continue to past as you are still going to need support for a while.
There is nothing wrong w/deciding not to be a stander. You are the only one that can decide when you've had enough of the madness that is created by someone in crisis.
Letting go is very liberating and you will find that your focus will be more on yourself and what you require to be happy.
You are going to be just fine. One day at a time, one step at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He and his 21 year old are dating. From what I hear, her parents are questioning her about their relationship (she lives with them and he picks her up for dates).
Wow. I have an almost 20-yr-old D. That's my pretty much my worst nightmare.
I'm going through the dissolution process too. I finally initiated things after two years of nothing from my H. I'm having the same revelations about our marriage in terms of what I deserved and what I got.
Hang in. Listen Job's advice. One foot in front of the other.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
edit the first like to read "I hope that you will continue to post as you are still going to need support for a while."
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I hope you keep posting too - it's still good for support and you'll need it since you have children and will have contact with your MLC'er. I'm letting go of the rope too Praying. I have not shut the door but I wouldn't call it standing either. I'm rebuilding without him and discovering there's a whole world out there. I felt kind of weird about posting here since he divorced me and this is a divorce busting site but it doesn't change the fact that he's in MLC and the people here are the only ones that understand. hope to hear from you
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
TL, please keep posting! You are really helpful to all of us and are an inspiration! Praying, Please keep us in the loop. We ALL really care about you and want to know how things are going and to hear about how you are doing! You WILL not only be OK, you will be great! You tried and you are a great mother.Hang in there and keep us informed!
hope to hear from you