I don't mean "make her feel" deliberately, GM - like I am punishing her. But let's face it - I have absorbed a LOT of things that I didn't have to to keep the peace in the name of "trying" and not wanting to be the "jerk XH". I deliberately kept her from suffering from missteps and misinterpretations of the divorce decree and other things. I am done. DONE.
I don't mean "make her feel" deliberately, GM - like I am punishing her. But let's face it - I have absorbed a LOT of things that I didn't have to to keep the peace in the name of "trying" and not wanting to be the "jerk XH". I deliberately kept her from suffering from missteps and misinterpretations of the divorce decree and other things. I am done. DONE.
Crimson, forgive my lengthy post tonight. Here's my summation:
You were in a crappy situation that SHE created (for the present time, this is mainly on her). You handled it fairly well. I cannot think of anything "wrong" that you said, and let's not pretend you lied. b/c ALL of what you said was/is true, correct?That must matter.
So if she were to quibble about HOW or WHY or WHEN you said the truth, then that would in fact be quibbling...
As GM said, you WILL "make' her angry by standing up for yourself AND you'll "make her" angry by...by...well, by breathing, probably. I can imagine her thinking , "Crimson uses up way too much oxygen; and he uses hair spray too much, thereby creating a hole in the ozone, and in fact, he is responsible for GLOBAL climate change"...
So if your ex w were to believe you to be & describe you as a Nazi lover who specifically detests the color purple, gays and oh btw, all Presbyterians...would it make any of it true?
Of course not. What she believes about you, is not based on currently available data. So Stop telling yourself about how the "person who knew you best" does not love you anymore, and all the inferences that go along with that comment.
We all had that fear when the BD happened..(& "if I'm so great, how could the one who 'really gets me', leave me?")
Then in time we made changes, & we improved as people. We kept evolving into being great people...and it showed. And your growth does show.
If she cannot see the changes in you, then it's not that the changes are not real or that you are not showing them well enough, it's that She does Not know you the best, anymore! And Or, she cannot or will not believe something that we all know is true.
So Crimson, Let go of HER FEELINGS, and handle your own.
If it makes you feel better, post here BEFORE you next respond to your w.;.
You told the truth, at her prompting. Too bad she doesn't like it. Too bad, so sad. Now, stop giving her all the power.
Also, please don't keep imagining her life being perfect now, and yours somehow being "proportionally bad" (as if the two are inversely related) AND as if your version of Her life is accurate.
I very much doubt things are nearly as smooth with Mr Wonderful OM as you fear. Maybe down deep, you fear that 1) the sex she will have is 100% better 100% of the time; b/c his superpowers help him intuit her unspoken desires and her personal timing, and 2) that your son will somehow love you less, or OM more than you? Crimson, Do you fear that you will lose the love of both of them...?? Because if you fear losing your son in any way, that fear is as wacky & premised on falsehoods, as her perceptions of you are...
YES I think You did fine with her tonight. Whatever could have been improved or smoothed on your end, would have made no difference to her, and that's your present reality. You may as well just be glad you spoke some truth to her b/c she's been hiding from it for quite awhile now. If you don't speak the truth to her, who will? Surely not her family. And Since you don't want to get saddled with more lawyer bills, truth won't be coming from them...
I think you'll have to take the hits for speaking the truth to her, OR pay 1-2 Ls to make it all easier for her to clear up...but will that help? Yes - b/c YOU will probably feel better by Not having these conversations, so that's something to at least factor in...and maybe she won't blame the messenger, but my concern is only how YOU fare. I think you will fare better with distance and paying a few more $$ to the L's. What would you pay to not have felt this way all night AND to still have the information given to her?
Actually, I'm amazed she had the nerve to ask for anything at this time... it's weird for her to completely overlook money issues that are in your favor...perhaps that means she has been enabled to live in a false reality.
Yes I am a huge proponent of the statement to LBSers that's it "NOT our job to teach spouse's lessons" and it's "Not our job to show them the consequences of their choices/actions" b/c that is what Life does...and it's what my DB coach told me, and it really sank in...it also lessens our true burdens here. Why? B/C All we are really "supposed" to do here is be our best selves. We are not here to teach our former spouses that we are actually great people now. We are not here to make sure they "get their just desserts"; we are merely supposed to try and become great people, while letting go of the people over whom we have no control...(and never did)...
So go easy on yourself about tonight. Hey, SHE blew it, not you. Ever think SHE might not feel so great about bringing all this up in the first place?
I doubt you are the only one who regrets the conversation of today.
Nothing on her end has changed Crimson. What's new is that you spoke up. Don't regret speaking the truth, especially when forced. I cannot wait for you to see what is around the corner for you and your son! And don't you dare not tell us the good news, b/c it's coming!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
enter your city. It doesn't mean you have to change your church you just go there for meetings.
Excellent advice. I googled it here, & though it doesn't have the exact type listed here, a ton of other closely related groups do exist nearby. Crimson, there will be a place within easy driving distance that you can go and just SEE some Divorce "survivors/thrivers" around.
Do you know any people who are happily divorced or remarried? Talk to them about how they got where they are now. And if you don't know any, then you really have to find a group.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, I do not mind your long posts. In fact, there are times I feel like a maze rat coming back here looking for you to have dropped a piece of cheese here for me. I honestly value it that much. Where to begin....
I think that ultimately I DID the best I could last night given my feelings. I don't think I snapped or anything....though maybe the phrase "......leave me alone" was too much.
To your point, I did not lie about anything at all. It was all true and fairly direct. I know that me not caving or giving her exactly what she wants will result in anger from her. Even if it is just a matter of me standing by what is agreed upon in the decree. This is how screwed up in the head I am (being transparent): I feel that the angrier she gets, the worse she views me as a person, and the worse she views me as a person the more she seems validated in her choice to leave and stay gone...."See! That's who he is!". And it's just not true - but she can't see it any other way.
I think I was just so vested in maintaining that road home that it's almost a reflex, ya know? She is not on that road, she is not interested in that road, and on the MARGINAL chance that she ever seeks a road -- it will not be the one that I have left paved. Hence, I need to stop paving and smoothing. It's just hard to do......as weak as it sounds I just don't want her to be mad at me. I can't control that and maintain my rights at the same time. That is becoming obvious.
SOOOO much of me wants to just tell her flat out that her not getting the vacation time and other things that she wants is a consequence of her choices. And that this is NOT what I wanted for her, me or our son. Divorce was not a proportionate response to the reality of where we were in our M. I want to tell her that based on all that I have learned over this time that in the context of a M, or even TRYING to R if she wanted to take THREE weeks to go visit her friends and family with S in Iowa I would let her without a second thought....just let me drop in for a weekend or two. That is NOT who I was in our marriage at all....not in the least. I wish she could see that things could be better than what we are experiencing now or what we lived in the past.
But I know and accept that I cannot change that.
I wish she knew that I still cared about her and wasn't looking to fight or inflict pain - and that these "incidents" are horrible for me. She doesn't care to know. It hurts my heart still to see her unhappy. She wouldn't believe that statement in a million years - but it is the Gods honest truth.
I cannot change that either.
I wish still that she would see me as a new man and accept our family again knowing that things could be better and that life together is better than life apart.
^^^Crimson, I am so right there with you. It's heartbreaking, and frustrating, and infuriating. All of it. Losing time with your kid, your WAS not believing in your capacity to change and having no imagination that you could have a great relationship and family together, their inability to change, their inability to accept their new reality of life after D (no, we don't get to just decide ad-hoc when we will take our child away from the other parent!). And, for me, blaming myself for choosing a mate so poorly.
Gah.
But it is what it is. And living in the past or "if only's" won't help us move on. Grieve for all you have lost-- you have lost a lot. Mourn it, feel it, be angry about it. Scream in the shower. Go ahead.
And then, make your peace with it. And move on. There is another (better??) life awaiting you. None of this is your choice, and you don't want it. But that is life. There is no making sense of it. It just IS. And all we can do is keep on keepin' on-- being the best we can be and living the best life we can live. And feel grateful for all the blessings we still DO have.
Thank you, Claire. I think the events of last night just triggered a fairly intense "lack of faith" moment. It hit me that that was what I was doing this morning sitting in my office. I lose faith very easily that something "better" is out there for me because it is hard for me to fathom what would be better than having my son in my life full time. I just need to try to lean on the belief that something better is coming....hard to do sometimes.
