Here’s the latest on my sitch for those following along...  H continues to be fairly grumpy and moody. Sometimes seeming to turn towards me, other times very, very clearly rejecting and turning away. He plays Words with Friends constantly (if that has any meaning, I have no idea). As difficult as it is, I have decided to try to chill out, give him space and just be as pleasant as I am able. I’m trying very hard to not initiate any relationship/affair talk. It suddenly occurred to me that with all the bad feelings going around on both sides that we really need to attempt to rebuild some goodwill. Talking about things gets us both pretty hostile with each other, doing further damage. And since we have exactly zero positive feelings to fall back on right now I believe it gets us both quickly to a very, very bad negative place about our future. So I’m trying to go this chill/rebuild goodwill route. We’ll see if it gets us anywhere. I’m actually hoping it brings back some positive feelings for not just him but ME as well. I’m really, really not feeling at all loving myself either. Although I would still like to save my family it’s definitely much more of a logical/head than heart choice right now.
I’m still anxious that he is in touch with her but my anxiety is not quite at the fever pitch it was. I checked his phone when he was in the shower for any ‘secret’ text apps and did not see anything suspicious. I also did a quick search of his car for any secret phones (seems most likely place he would have one, I know he used to talk to her a lot previously when driving to work, pick up kids, etc). Certainly there still could be something as I’m no expert on this but at least I felt a little better not to discover anything with these few checks. He’s also not keeping his laptop as close to him as I originally imagined. I actually have free access to it enough that I could put some sort of tracker on there but I really don’t think I want to go that route (as much as I know some vets here think it’s imperative). I just don’t think that’s me, nor good for my mental health right now, just the anticipation would make me crazy. Of course I may change my mind any minute here, that seems to be the way things go with this sitch.
Since I’ve tried to back off a bit and just be pleasant we’ve actually had several decent times together. We went with the kids to a friends last night and it was quite nice. We laughed together watching some stupid TV shows and smiled a lot at each other watching the kids hunt for eggs this am. He cleaned my car without my asking and gave me a chocolate bunny for Easter after I said ‘I wish I had some good chocolate’. His mother and older daughter were here earlier and we all chatted pleasantly. He seems to be looking at and smiling at me a bit more, even laughing at my jokes on occasion. Who knows, maybe this is all nothing, maybe it’s just my imagination/wishful thinking, maybe it is all guilt, maybe he’s ‘cake eating’ (I think I’m using that term correctly) as he’s realistically not all THAT different than he was early on in the A (we had pleasant times then too). But right now I am counting on time telling either way. Previously H’s A definitely reached a breaking point where it became more and more obvious that something was up bc he completely pulled away from me at the end and that’s how/why I busted him. If he’s still with her I don’t think he can continue for long without it coming to a pretty clear head again somehow.
I’m feeling a bit more calm and in control, the snooping was really crazy making for me. I’m doing my best to disengage, disengage, disengage and be patient to see if where a bit of time/space/chill out time gets us. So that’s where I’m at, thanks again for listening 
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
New development last night. After I typed all of this I realized that Words with Friends has a chat feature and perhaps he is chatting with her through that. I decided to check his phone but that's tough bc he is rarely away from it. H has stated that I can ask him to give it to me at any time but I didn't want to do that. I was afraid he would refuse and/or there'd be some sort of conflict about it. So at one point he went upstairs to do laundry and left the phone so I took it and started looking at it. He came back and busted me and was quite annoyed. Insisted that I just had to ask and he would hand it over but I should not be sneaking (ironic, huh?). What do people think of this? While I'll admit it did feel sneaky and wrong and on some level he may have a point as it seems very counter to rebuilding a healthy relationship. But on the other hand who the heck is he to get on ME for being 'sneaky'??
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
