Funeral for a husband, love lies bleeding

[cczamo]

journal update: 2 weeks ago my exH told me that he felt uncomfortable bringing his two dogs over to my back yard on a daily basis for day care, so he had made "other arrangements" for his dogs (formerly MY dogs).

Fast forward to last week, I asked exH on Thursday if we could arrange once a month visitation. He said one word, and loudly, "NO!" So Friday, i stayed home from work, and savored every moment with them, and took videos and lots of pictures. When exH showed up after only 2 hours to pick them up, I went out to give each dog one last hug, and I broke down into an unexpected "ugly cry." I then said that I hoped he might find it in his heart to someday change his mind, since permanently losing them was killing me. He turned without saying anything, and walked off.

The next day, which was last Saturday, he emailed me that he'd disconnected his cell phone number (that he'd had since 1989) and he could only be reached at a new gmail email address. I thought that was weird.

Then this evening, i got a call from an out of town area code number. It was a woman who'd found a small brown and white dog, BY THE INTERSTATE FREEWAY, with my phone number on his tag. And she is in small town 80 miles away from Dallas, and coincidentally where the married OW lives!

Since I no longer have a cell phone # for him, I decided to call his office phone. Well it was his voice on a v.m. saying he was no longer employed there. OMG!!!

I called the woman back who'd found dog, and mentioned that I had NO telephone # to reach exH, but sent her # to his new email address. I did mention to the woman that exH had a friend in her town, and proceeded to tell her the OW name. This lady said she slightly knew the OW, and mentioned that she just saw OW last weekend WITH OW's HUSBAND at some store.

Now, I cant help but wonder if he's moved out to her town to stalk the OW, or if OW is seeing ExH while staying married. I know I should not think about this, but today has been bizarre!

So, my exH has finally knocked over that last of the 4 pillars of MLC I've read about (body-he's lost 40 lbs, home-he moved out of, relationship-he divorced me, job-either quit or fired).

Amazingly, I felt nothing! NO sadness or hurt about discovering he's left his job and followed OW to her town. I am only really concerned about my (his) dogs safety and welfare. If someone would have told me 9 months ago that I would NOT feel ANYTHING in this situation, I would NEVER have believed it!
Praise the Lord!
btw, exH tonight emailed 2 words- "all okay", which I interpret that Google is safe as is Pixie.

[Ahoy]

cczamo, what can I say? WOW? He is just a bundle of crazy, and I hope it gives you some peace of mind to not be legally bound to that hot mess right now. I'm sorry for your loss of the dogs. That is concerning that one was found loose, but you were smart not to offer to be the one to email him, as it probably would have sparked his ire (to be called out by you on being irresponsible).

As for the change in phone number -- maybe it's good that you have that distance, so you're not tempted to call him for any reason. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this.

[Card29]

Cc, does he care about the dogs? If he does, take solace in the fact that they are being cared for, and that they are hardy little guys. I love dogs, too. They are so resilient. And I agree with ahoy...sounds like a great thing for you that he is almost forcing you to detach. Take care of yourself and YOU will be happy He has much tougher bridges to cross to get to happiness, it appears

[Nitty]

Then this evening, i got a call from an out of town area code number. It was a woman who'd found a small brown and white dog, BY THE INTERSTATE FREEWAY, with my phone number on his tag. And she is in small town 80 miles away from Dallas, and coincidentally where the married OW lives!

UGH! This makes me so mad!

What would prevent you from picking up your dog in such a situation and taking her home? I mean, the dog was loose, near a freeway, life in danger... he's obviously not taking care of the dogs.

[cczamo]

I was told by the woman who found Google that my exH told her that he was unpacking his car two blocks away from where Google was found, and he was unaware the dog got out. I KNOW that exH used to absolutely love those dogs and was very responsible for them, and I presume that he still does/is now.
However he is also acting like an adolescent male right now (at 52 years old), letting his crazy think for him, so I have a bit of doubt.
IF I were to pick up the dog I would most likely get into major trouble with exH, as he would be able to drive by my house, and see into my backyard and know I had "his" dog.
I thought about it though, Nitty. I'm still a little concerned about them. They are Jack Russell Terriers, and Google looks exactly like a younger Uggy, if you know who Uggy is.

[cczamo]

Card29, yes, I do take solace believing that exH does love and care for the dogs. He's just being very irrational now, moving into a new apartment after just signing a 1 year lease in May!
Quitting his high paying directorship is crazy! He's just a hot mess as Ahoy has written.
Yes, he HAS indeed forced me to totally detach, so I've officially "Dropped the rope" as of yesterday.
I guess I needed a sign, and that was it, him moving to follow the OW.
Bless her heart if he's stalking her.

[cczamo]

Journal update: (I'm sorry it is so very lengthy!)

Over 1 year passed since ExH dropped bomb ILYBNILWY and much craziness, heart ache and tears followed. I look back on the past 13+ months and can see my growth and healing. I chose to have faith that God is in charge rather than to get bitter and question why. I believe He IS using my experience for good.

Since my last post in September 2014, I've communicated with exH only once or twice, and very briefly with regards to our income tax and getting his tax refund monies to him. He was very guarded and all was business only, with one brief exception: in our last communication, he volunteered that he thought of my grown son often (his stepson who throughout the years, he said he loved very much), and told me to please pass on to my son that he wished him well in his future in his new house. An aside, my exH often struggled with problems with his twin daughters, and would remark frequently as to how lucky I was to have a wonderful problem free son. ExH loved my son's friends and enjoyed watching them grow up, graduate hs and college, and get married. ExH would often go to Las Vegas if he knew my son and friends would be out there. ExH would get their lavish meals and hotel rooms comped most of the time. ExH would invite son and his friends to bbq here at our home for sports watching events, even up to months within bomb drop.

Looking back, I think that exH wanted to be young again, like my son and his friends who are a great close-knit group of young men closing in on 30 years old now. Its entirely possible, that my exH, being only 20 years older, may have become responsible too soon in college, working in IT, moving up in position, successful even before graduating from college. So perhaps he missed the experiences and bonding “bromances” he saw my son and his friends have in their 20s.

Since late September of 2014, I've been dating a wonderful man, 18 years my senior (who can run circles around me—seriously, he gets 10,000 more fitbit steps than i do each day!) who is eager to marry me. He has said he'll be patient and wait for me, though. Other than our age difference, I have so much in common with him. We're keeping it "out of the bedroom," to allow me to continue my healing within the boundaries of our shared faith. I am healing, but occasionally, I still get unexpected pangs of sadness and momentarily teary-eyed, but these moments happen less and less frequently. I am now to the point where I sometimes don’t think about my ex on a daily basis. This time last year, I doubted that would ever happen.

Very long update but all to say, time (and God) heals. I’m thankful for the path God has placed me on and the new and old friends He has placed on my journey to walk along side me for a time. I’m thankful that I have a daily choice to walk the hopeful high road, even though at times I still miss my exH very much.

Im repeating a C.S. Lewis quote I'd posted months ago, but believe it still applies to my life today:

"Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."

C.S. Lewis

I’ll come back at some point in the future and update. God Bless you each in your own journey!

[cczamo]

Update: one year anniversary of divorce passed earlier this month. Tomorrow would have been my 15th wedding anniversary, and I plan to look through a pile of photos that exH left on my garage steps over a year ago. It hurt too much to look through them this past year, but I think my would-be 15th wedding anniversary is a good time to let myself peek back in time.

No communications at all with exH since Sept 2014, but I have heard from the exH of the other woman. He wanted to know my side of the situation, so he googled me and contacted me earlier this month to let me know that he and his wife (the OW) divorced in Nov 2014, one month after her father died and her mother went into hospital. She married my exH in April 2015, 5 months after her divorce. OW and exH moved to yet another nearby small town and bought a very nice house. OW has a 12 year old that lives with OW/exH. I was told that OW cries during the day when exH is at work. Evidently her daughter overhears her cry and explains to her father on weekend visits that she thinks it is because OW is now estranged from her own mother and her own grown pregnant daughter, both who do not approve of OW's marriage to my exH. OW's family evidently still have good relationship with OW's exH and are communicating with him.

OW's exH also mentioned that he has tried for several months to talk with my exH calling him repeatedly at exH work and cell to discuss the situation with his D, who is now mostly living with my exH/OW. I was told that my exH has not returned any of the calls. Obviously exH senses guilt, or fear of OW's exH. (it's so complicated to write all this!)

I suspect that this exH/OW marriage may not last but what do i know? OW and exH were 8th grade sweethearts, so maybe it will stick.

I'm trying to get past my unhealthy curiosity of their situation and not peek on FB. I'm in a serious dating relationship with an older man who treats me wonderfully, and for whom I care deeply. While I'm not "in love", I do love him. He knows that I'm still healing from my divorce, and has made it clear that he will wait for me to heal. He has said he wants to marry. I'm still confused just enough to not trust myself to make a decision of this magnitude just yet.

as crazy as it seems, i do still miss my exH very much, even though he's remarried, and despite all the hell that he's put me through, i still love him.

[cczamo]

update: not much new-- bomb drop was over 2 years ago, divorce over 1&1/2 years ago and last contact about 1 1/2 years ago. I still think of exH every day. I have gone through forgiving him (and her) in my heart, and feel sad on occasion, but have become mostly like my old self. I'm still in a special relationship with an elderly man who wants to marry, and took me ring shopping in November, and sitting in private room with sales rep, showed me a beautifully designed, huge rock of a ring. I loved the ring, but told him (and jeweler) that we'd need to shop around more, that I dont know what style of ring I preferred. Actually i still feel conflicted about marrying so soon, and still miss my exH, hoping against hope that he'll want restoration. Isnt that crazy? It doesnt seem right that I'd marry another man, but still long for my exH.

New man and I do have fun together, and I love him, but not IN love with him. The "in love" feeling is secretly still for my exH, unfortunately.

Anyway, just a bit melancholy today.