I’m new and not entirely sure where to start but here it goes: I’m 28 hubby is 30 married 3.5 years no kids 2 dogs and a cat. I can honestly say I have never had a good relationship (in fact most of them have been rather traumatic) which likely speaks to my judgment more than anything else imp sure. So when I was encouraged to meet up with a family friend whom I have known since we were 4 and 6 respectively it seemed like an unexpected but attractive concept. Our families had been friends for years (and so of course were not much good for reason or logical advice). I think when we hit it off everyone got very caught up in the “fairy tale” of it all. I had never lived with anyone, had always paid my own bills (no matter how difficult and despite what I had to go without from time to time) I have always been independent (possibly to a fault). My family is essentially of the boat Irish catholic and incredibly strict (his family is essentially of the boat Cuban catholic with a father who is ex-law enforcement and strict in a different way). When he began to pursue me I was reluctant. I found him attractive, nice, and interesting. But after the numerous catastrophic relationships I’d been through and a very up and down (possibly abusive) relationship with my own family I had just found a very content place in my life. I was happy to be alone, with my amazing dog, work, get school and finances back on track, and be happy being me. He was an unexpected factor in all of this plus we were living in two different cities at the time. He texted me often, and we began to talk more and more regularly. I saw him when I visited my family a couple of times over the next month or so, and then he asked if he could come to visit me. There were several visits he made over the next couple of months (and in retrospect I should have noticed some questionable behaviors at the time—he appeared responsible and stable when we met again but his visits to me began to interfere with his work related dependability). I felt like we had both decided by this point that we were right for each other. We thought we had asked all of the right questions and had all of the right conversations. Eventually culminating in him convincing me to move back with my family (something I had sworn never to do because it was such an unhealthy environment for me mentally) so that we could spend more time together and move forward in our relationship. I moved home against my better judgment but it all seemed so right. By this time it had been about 4-5 months since we had “run into each other” again and within the next month we would be engaged. He had applied for a promotion and he received it but would be transferred to another city. We did not feel that our families would accept us living together (and again we were so over confident in the “fact” that were right and perfect and this was fated) that he proposed. We also decided that, again because we were so sure, we would not wait the year and a half that we had originally discussed. We couldn’t stand to be away from one another and so would be married within the next three months. We fast tracked everything the couples weekends and sessions with the church, the evaluation by the priest, etc. We did everything that our religion required (albeit not all of it went entirely smoothly… which we thought was normal… right?... nothings perfect all the time…). The wedding is where it got bad with our families. My family has had issues with living beyond their means ever since my father got downsized. This did not stop my mom’s ridiculous over spending (generally for others which I guess made her feel like she was doing nothing wrong). They did not intend to contribute as much to the wedding as my hubby to be’s parents ended up contributing and the result of this was a giant mess. The cultural difference began to become very clear. My parents were happy to let me plan (and include them but they were there to be part of the process with me) his parents specifically his mother (whom has no daughters) I included in everything to the best of my ability but she began to over involve herself in such a way that I (and my parents) felt was a bit inappropriate. I would share something like the invitations I liked with her and the next thing I knew she had gone and selected different invitations in different colors than the wedding colors I had already chosen with different writing, this became a constant trend throughout the wedding planning. The more frequently it happened, the more upset I got, the more my hubby denied it was happening and defended his mom’s behavior blindly, the more upset my parents got…. Ultimately resulting in a celebration that I felt was more like his parents party than our wedding, our respective parents hating each other, and us almost not making it down the aisle. In addition, my spouse to be and I had a fight that almost ended it all as a result of his parents convincing him that all the money we received at the wedding as well as a monthly stipend should be deposited into an account that only they had access to (no one had ever been in control of my money since I left home—and I found it incredibly inappropriate that they felt that this was even remotely right let alone that they felt that was a conversation they should have without me) as well as they offered my hubby the choice between rent free stay in their condo (which no one told me would not allow my dog whom was the world to me—when he threatened to end our relationship because “how could I be so illogical as to pick an animal over our future” I conceded only because I my youngest brother agreed to care for him until we moved to a location that would allow my dog) and $10,000 which they also decided without me. I really should have seen some red flags at this point but I was blinded by the love and affection from someone I felt was the only good person in the world who I had ever dated. In addition, (despite some earlier involvement) because our families were so religious we decided to abstain from anything further until after we were married. It seemed like a responsible decision and ultimately romantic. The wedding came and went. It felt like a whirlwind that I was at the mercy of.. and not that I was ever one of those girls who dreamed of my wedding day but… I had this overwhelming sense that this was not how this day was supposed to feel. We went on our honeymoon and it was a beautiful place and an amazing experience, but things were already not quite right. The primary issue started in regards to sex. We had been somewhat involved early in our relationship and our expectations seemed to be different. I expected to start all over. I expected that the gentle and gentlemanly nature he had always treated me with would pertain to this. I expected sweet and slow. He apparently expected that once we were married I was going to become something out of a porn. I tried to express the way I felt. It did not seem to be understood and we kind of skated around it for the time being. Once in our new home, I continued going to school and being the home maker (as we had agreed was the plan before marriage). I had worked at least one if not multiple jobs for the majority of my life and it made me feel so special and cared for that this knight in shining armor had swept me up and was going to treat me better than I’d ever imagined. The house was spotless. Home cooked meals from scratch every day. Lunch breaks where he was pampered in “oh so many ways”. While I wasn’t entirely comfortable with some of our issues, I did my best to fulfill every need and want. Meanwhile (and of course this is my perspective) everything had changed. I’m an insomniac, a night person, I enjoy going out. When we dated we were up spending time together or out on the town every night till 2-4 am. We did a lot of activities out of the house beach, walks, etc. After we got married we stopped going out, he started going to bed by 11 or 12 and basically told me that’s how it is. I planned little dates for him at least weekly. For example, he has an Asian obsession. One day I found a local Asian market, scoured the internet for recipes, by the time he came home I had all the necessary ingredients and tools prepped and ready for us to make our own sushi rolls as well as had decorated the entire house (cost effectively of course). I have continually done things like this because I loved him and I wanted him to feel how special he was to me. There has been maybe 2 times where I have ever felt like he put this much effort into something for me since we have been married. Soon he wanted me to go back to work and was no longer supportive of my schooling. He wanted me to switch industries and work an acceptable job “like him”. (I had always been primarily in the service industry because it best suits the flexibility I need for school and things I enjoy doing) I did both of these things even though I was very unhappy about it. Arguments began to surface in regards to these issues and others. The majority of the time I backed off. I’m not a fighter and these things didn’t seem like “a big enough deal”. I just assumed it was normal. Soon he told me I was “no longer allowed to go anywhere without him”.. “It’s not appropriate for a married woman to go anywhere without her husband” (according to his parents). Again, I have always been independent to a fault… this was mind numbing to me and to him non-negotiable. While I had now gone back to work at his request, the expectations were the same … I was to cook clean please and care for us as I was doing before despite having returned to work. And apparently I was not doing a good enough job. According to him “I almost never cooked… everything was a mess.. and I did not fulfill his physical expectations.” I began to become depressed and somewhat withdrawn, while still struggling to perform as requested. We could not communicate properly. All of my attempts at discussion ended with him freaking out and ultimately screaming profanities and derogatory terms in my direction. Which I did my best to take calmly and with few tears. If I was to ever get worked up at the same time he also became very aggressive. And, these appeared to be acceptable behaviors within his home (I had unfortunately come to find out). I had always had a bad temper myself but had for many years worked to control it and at this point I would calmly and quietly think before opening my mouth. I prefer at this point to articulate myself in a controlled manner because I do not see a need to say unnecessary hurtful things. I tried to patiently help him see the benefit in this. He began to hate me. Everything I said and did irritated him. I could feel it in the way he looked at me and talked to me. We were no longer intimate. Our families were too biased and wed given up asking their advice a long time ago. It just made things worse. Something had to change. I did a lot of soul searching and research. I came to the conclusion that communication was largely to blame. I came up with this idea to just sit down and bluntly discuss everything that bothered one another about one another. (Playing with fire yes… but willing to try anything at this point). I presented the idea. He was open to it. He told me to go first… I did. I was calm articulate and gentle. He freaked and became defensive and agitated. I said okay… “How about we just talk about the things that upset you about me.” After several hours of him picking me apart (a lot of things that bothered him were unfortunately innate aspects that have always made me me **Again independent to a fault** seemed to be a huge issue but the disturbing ones to follow were… how often I am “right”, how I don’t “depend on him enough”, how when I speak about things I’m “right about” (which I would argue are things I’m passionate about) how “condescending I sound”… etc.. as well as many other things that unfortunately sounded as though they offended him because they took away control from him) and me saying “okay.. I can see how that could come off that way… yes I can work on that”. He seemed as though a weight was lifted off of him. He said “I feel much better now… I thought you thought you were perfect..I just thought you didn’t know what was wrong with you..”. I have always been very in tune to self evaluation and strive my best to be very self aware especially when it comes to my faults. Most of the things he brought up in one way or another I had thought about at one time so this did not bother me. What bothered me is that these were things I thought he loved about me… and that while we very thoroughly discussed his side of things there was very little acceptance or willingness on his part to examine himself. But, he was happy again… things seemed to be moving in a positive direction.. so I took it all in stride and told myself we’d get there eventually. The sex continued to be a major issue. I was taking bc to help keep my migraines in check which did affect my libido.. but I had never felt so disinterested. Eventually I caught him watching porn and satisfying himself and discovered that not only had he been doing this with alarming regularity he had gone to extraordinary lengths to hide this from me. To make matters worse, this was during a six month period where he was unemployed. He was unhappy in his work and I supported him exploring alternative options. What I did not realize is that this would go on for 6 months while he “looked for jobs every day” (but seemed to mean he sat at home and played video games) while I did everything in my power including perusing craigslist on a daily basis searching for random day jobs to supplement the missing income. He could not get himself back on his feet and I continued to hold us together. And while I have no issue with healthy use of porn in the appropriate context—hiding it from me is not healthy. So of course, it was made clear that I was to blame for this and once again I tried to mold myself further to rectify the situation. I would comply to the best of my ability whether I wanted to or not.. whenever he asked. I tried to ask him for more attention, more time out of the house together, a date night here and there… dancing had always been a huge part of my life and is one of the things that makes me happiest in the world (which he knew when he met me) and he would not take me. (Although one of the rare occasions he did take me we ended up fighting…of course there was alcohol involved but I would primarily blame jealousy and need for control) I tried to express to him that I was feeling a bit depressed and that I felt that if I felt a little more secure and cared for that a lot of these issues (including my interest in sex) might improve (and to clarify—I did not mean this as an ultimatum but I was trying to explain to him that while he didn’t need much “prepping” that I needed a little more emotional stimulation and I was trying to come up with things to help). While he made a couple brief attempts to “appease me”, our one dancing outing in years ended with him wasted and livid that he had not gotten “special treatment” for taking me out. Which unfortunately made me shut down further. At many points he basically said he would divorce me because he was not sexually satisfied. (How I can be interested when being continually belittled, manipulated, and ignored I would love for someone to explain to me) We went through the next year in basically a never ending a circle of these types of issues, attempts at correcting issues, further family issues (which would take days to catalogue) better times, worse times, etc. I changed a lot of who I was to try to please him and his family. (But ultimately has put me where I am now—going out of my mind because I don’t feel like me and I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life). I continued to try to be the “submissive Hispanic type” he seemed to want, at this point no longer doing any of the things I have loved for my entire life, having no friends and no opportunities to make them. We had a lot of ups and downs but he seemed happy and things finally seemed calm and I had decided to accept that this was as good as it gets. He asked me to go off the birth control to make him happy (despite that my migraines are excruciatingly debilitating) and I did so. We moved into a place he liked (despite that I wasn’t entirely happy with it) but it made him happy right? He signed all the papers without me and set the move in date. When the date came he did not have time to help move. He’d get to it when he could… unless I could handle it. On a side note.. I do everything myself including the handyman related things even replacing car parts. It is my nature and something I enjoy so I never think of it as a downfall on his part… but I will say he never appreciates how much work and time I save him by being able to do these things for myself and for us. Also, he was “too busy” because he was working (as do I) and had decided to go back to school to finish his education (a decision he and his father made without me—in addition to him being the reason I have not yet finished my own schooling) I worked a double and then the next morning, meanwhile negotiating with every moving company known to man. Came home from work packed the entire house. When he got home I asked him to help me load up the cars so they would be ready in the morning. He went to our room and started playing video games. When I told him I could really use his help I was told he was “tired from work and didn’t feel like it and that he had homework to do anyway.” When I responded that I had worked as well and had done nothing but pack from the time I got home until now (which was likely about 11-12 pm) and pointed out that video games were not homework” he lost it. I allowed myself to get caught up for a moment, but as usual, calmed down realizing the futility of arguing with him and told him that was fine I would take care of it. Eventually he calmed down and assisted a little but this was a continuous trend over the course of our marriage and I had learned that it is much faster for me to do everything than it is for me to try to help him understand that it would be nice not to be left to do everything by myself. I spent the entirety of the next day coordinating the moving truck ferrying multiple carloads of boxes back and forth and up the stairs to our second floor apartment while setting up the cable, water, power, change of address etc which a good part of the latter half of the day he was upstairs working on homework during. I am also the one who unpacked and set up the entire house. I don’t mind pulling my weight (I feel l do so more than a good part of the norm and I am proud that is who I am…) but it is not appreciated at all. This is a good example of countless occurrences over the course of our marriage. After going off the birth control.. my libido has been through the roof. At this point I beg and plead for attention… cuddling.. snuggling… love… he continually tells me that “now that it’s so available… it has lost some of its appeal”… so the thing you almost divorced me for not getting enough of you’re no longer interested in because I now am… what do I do with that!?!? And. While I do not mean for this to sound obnoxious.. I’m an attractive 28 year old who works on cars and plays videogames for fun.. I have done some modeling (which has been my dream my entire life which after initially being supportive of.. once my career began gaining momentum he asked that I return to a 9-5 job which I did) and my husband has no interest in entertaining my requests for attention (in the past two weeks I have been turned down for video games numerous times). There’s oh so much more I could discuss but I feel this highlights some of the major trends and issues over the course of our marriage. Major points for me being: -He behaved toward me differently and treated me differently before we were married -There were different expectations set for our future together when we were dating -His version of pulling his weight in this relationship and my definition are 100% different and this can not seem to be rectified -I can barely get assistance with our pets (2 of 3 he wanted) and I really don’t love the idea of single handedly caring for my husband, animals, and future children. -I have put incredible effort into building relationships with his family and friends. He has put nearly no effort into my friends or family at all and has damaged the relationships in addition -I have not been physically satisfied more than a handful of times over the course of our marriage (unless I handled it myself) and my attempts to expand our physical relationship have been ignored -When we discuss issues or controversial topics (if he doesn’t lose his temper) he will still stick to “well… I have run out of arguments so you must be right… but I can trust you because you’re biased” (if you can’t trust the person you are married to who can you trust!?!?!?!) -There seems to be an irreconcilable lack of maturity that I wish had seen before hand (Let me add that in addition to being very Cuban he had lived at home for the entirety of his life except for a 6 month period where he and his brother had been kicked out of the house because they had thrown parties in their parents’ house—he will argue that what I witnessed was not the norm but what I took away from his home life was that I watched his abuelos do his laundry, clean his room, make his bed, etc---I am the oldest of four have been caring for children in and out of the house since age 9 have had jobs since 13 and have cared for myself with little parental assistance since I was a teenager and after leaving home at 18 I have been through some difficult times but they have caused me to grow as a person which I am incredibly proud of) -When I try to have serious discussions and he loses his temper if I disengage he goes crazy (by disengage I mean I calmly say something to the effect of “I’m not interested in continuing this conversation. It is no longer productive. I’ll be happy to try again when we’re more calm.”) If I do not feel into the crazy he will then start bawling in an attempt to be manipulative. (Which he denies is to be manipulative but if I leave the room he’ll come into the room where I am teary eyed and ask me “why don’t I care that hes so upset?!) How do you have a grown up conversation with a bawling 30 year old man?
I am well aware that our issues are not one sided. I have my faults. I have lost my temper and caused fights. I’ve been hurtful at times. I am not always right. I will not be so blind to think I am not responsible for our struggles as well. But I feel that there are huge issues here that I have struggled and strived in countless ways to rectify and nothing seems to work. I’m tired and don’t really know what to think anymore…
Literally, as I have been sitting here writing this, this is what has occurred within the last 10 minutes: Husband gets up from his “nap” (He had procrastinated on his homework again, spent no time with me after work last nite because he always has more important things to do, had woken up early, played video games and finished his homework, locked both dogs and the cat in the bedroom with me despite the fact that the litter box is in another room and despite that I have begged him time and time again to please take the dogs out if he is the first one up in the morning—which he continually says is a rule I made just because he’s usually the first one awake instead of realizing its because as soon as one of us is up THEY HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE—and so for the billionth time –when I barely get sleep—I was awakened to both dogs and cat bawling and howling because all of them needed to go to the bathroom at 6:30 in the am when I went to sleep at about 3 am.. and when I then asked him why the animals were crying he told me they hadn’t gone out or been fed and got irate when I pointed out that we’ve discussed this issue before). He then went to class and came back played video games watched anime fell asleep on the couch then went to nap in bed… Came out into the living room where I am typing this (I may been slightly incorrect in not wanting to share this with him yet but I feel like that’s a decision I have a right to make). I am not hiding anything I am just sitting on the couch typing and thinking. Hubby: “What are you doing?” Me: “Just typing something.” Hubby: “What?” Me: “Some personal thoughts” Hubby: “About what? Me?” Me: “Partly.” Hubby: “Is it for our appointment tomorrow (we are going to a counselor)?” Me: “No” Hubby: “If it’s for tomorrow you would tell me right?” (Getting increasingly agitated) Me: “Yes.” Hubby: “What is it then?! I don’t like that you’re hiding things from me!” (Very agitated) Me: “It is something personal I’m working on. It is not related to our appointment. I do not currently want to share it with you. And if I was hiding it I wouldn’t be sitting in the living room typing it. I don’t understand why you are being paranoid…” Hubby: (Irate at this point) “If you won’t let me read it you’re hiding things and I’m not the one being paranoid!!” Me: “I don’t understand how I’m being paranoid.. I’m not hiding anything.. I’m just typing my thoughts.” Hubby: “If you’re not hiding anything then let me look at it!!!!!” Me: “Fine..” Hubby: “I knew you were doing something for the appointment!!!!” (livid) Me: “It is not for the appointment. This is something I am working on personally that I’m not ready to discuss further at the moment. I don’t understand why you’re getting so angry and paranoid.” Hubby: “Because you never hide anything from me!!!!” Me: “Again, I’m in plain sight, doing nothing wrong, I’m not hiding anything from you.” Hubby then got more agitated, went outside, smoked a cigarette, came back in, sat on the couch opposite me and pouted till I paid him attention. Me: “Whats wrong?” Hubby: “I don’t understand why you’re being like this.” Me: “I am not being like anything. I am just trying to sit here and write down my personal thoughts. I am not doing anything to you.” Hubby: “Mutters something inaudible and angry and stomps off to take a shower” ---Am I crazy to think I did nothing to warrant that reaction?!---
Thank you for your response. I will keep posts more brief. (Also "GAL"?) Update on current concerns. Had 1st counseling session last week.(H insisted upon picking it for "us"... picked a more $$$ therapist bc she does hypnotherapy and he wants to stop smoking...sooo to show me you can do something good for "us" his biggest concern was finding someone that would suit his needs)We were assigned "homework"(take love languages quiz begin utilizing this immediately to make each other feel "loved"). None of which he has shown any interest or effort in (other than talking a big game about change)I had a serious talk w him expressing that I really need to see and feel change (for both of us) right now (bc he made it clear he wasnt even planning on putting effort into the homework until after our next appt). Woke up to a forwarded email of correspondence between hubby and therapist he changed what our next session (she recommended we come weekly) to two weeks out (his excuse was he wanted "more time to complete the assignments" which to me shows a complete lack of understanding about how important this all is) I was not involved or even aware of this correspondence or decision until i was informed via his forwarded email... Assuming that it is not a good sign that he doesnt seem to comprehend what is going on..
I missed the initial intro. Me 28 H 30 M 3.5.. Currently at a breaking point.. The short summary is got married very quickly.. we have some severe cultural differences (Me irish H cuban... very cuban).. been unhappy for a long time.. feel as tho ive tried everything.. hit a point where i felt as tho i couldnt take it anymore.. have gotten to the point of begging H for things as of late (attention.. sex.. being the emergency level things but there are alot of things i feel I am lacking and have been for a long time).. and feeling very hopeless.. i dont want to spend the rest of my life "taking what I can get".. and I dont want to be married to a person/H's family that wants to change who I am.. feels like I havent done anything for me or anything I enjoy in years.. dont know how much more I can take and still try.. I dont really know where to go from here..
I have been doing this for years it feels like.. (Me 28 H 30 M 3.5).. I feel like I have tried everything.. I feel like there are things that are just irreconcilable.. And I just don't think I can live like this anymore.. The WAW syndrome definition I read seems to hit pretty close to home.. I know Im responsible for part of the problems.. I know while I truly feel like I have given everything and "tried everything" I know its probably not been in the right way.. I feel like I've been the only one in this relationship for a very long time and I dont feel hopeful anymore.. I feel exhausted like I dont have any more energy to put into it.. and I dont know that I even want to continue to try at this point..
I have been doing this for years it feels like.. (Me 28 H 30 M 3.5).. I feel like I have tried everything.. I feel like there are things that are just irreconcilable.. And I just don't think I can live like this anymore.. The WAW syndrome definition I read seems to hit pretty close to home.. I know Im responsible for part of the problems.. I know while I truly feel like I have given everything and "tried everything" I know its probably not been in the right way.. I feel like I've been the only one in this relationship for a very long time and I dont feel hopeful anymore.. I feel exhausted like I dont have any more energy to put into it.. and I dont know that I even want to continue to try at this point..
Originally Posted By: inneed
H seems to be trying. I want to focus on the fact that I've been begging for him to try for years, but I know I should focus on the fact that he's trying now. It feels like everything he does to try and make it better just reminds me that I feel empty and like I have not been loved in years. I want to get aggravated at him bc even tho "he's trying his best" it feels like so little so late. Every misstep he makes all I can think is how much I don't want to live the rest of my life "taking what I can get". I'm trying to focus on what the therapist said "filling up each others love tanks" and what not (she wanted us to focus on the love languages types and what they need etc). He seems to feel better.. perkier.. hopeful. I continue to feel worse.. depressed.. hopeless. Took me out yesterday for the first time in a long time. He made an effort to give me my "quality time". All I could see was the flaws and think to myself "how much better I could have done it". I feel selfish.. and crazy.. don't know what to think. Am I trying to sabotage things at this point?
First, if you haven't posted in "newcomers" section yet, I would encourage you to post there first. It gets A LOT more traffic than this thread and you'll find a lot of great support and encouragement (and more frequently).
I can only give you a perspective that may be the other side of what you're saying. I've heard what you've said from my own W. I've been at this for a definite 4 years now and have to admit the issues went on well before then even though I wasn't able to see it.
I know for me, I felt I was truly trying. But at some point in my M, I pulled away. It wasn't right but I did. It was my ineffective way to cope. I felt rejected and inadequate in my marriage. No matter what I did, the focus seemed to be on what I had missed or forgotten. At some point, I figured if its never going to be good enough, just let my W do it her way...
It was a coward's way out, but like most people, I used the coping techniques that I was familiar with based upon my own past. And so did my W. Neither of which were healthy.
You will never be able to change anyone but yourself. One of the main benefits of DB (in my opinion) is to focus each of us to take accountability for ourselves, our attitudes and our behaviors. Don't give control of those things to anyone else. What your husband does or says, should not define who you want to be. Its up to you. And that is a lot of hard work. But its work you can do.
Be willing to have the hard conversations. Be willing to be honest with your own feelings and be willing to listen to your H and his feelings. If he's like most guys, this will be tough for him and if you judge him or argue with him about how he feels, he may just clam up again.
Good luck. Recovery is a long road. The fact that your H is willing to try is a huge step forward. Now you have to decide as well. Take care.
I'm still trying to familiarize myself with properly utilizing the forums. (Never really been a blogger or anything like that). And.. confused seems to describe my life as a whole right now lol. Cadet helped start combining my threads so I'm going to try to stick to that one but I also wanted to respond here (the other thread will be http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post2444444).
Your response really resounds with me. I feel like the behavior you described as well as the feelings and motivating factors behind it are likely very very similar to my H's. And I think he did pull away. And recently so did I. Still wrong for me to do so. While I would like to think I gave it my all every day (he likely did too... we both just must not have been "trying" in an affective manner)But I realize now I stopped trying to talk to H. When I felt like I was having one sided conversations and was frustrated with feeling alone in the relationship I stopped communicating I think. Kind of like what you said.. it was easier quicker better if i just did everything myself. If he was feeling inadequate that likely exacerbated the situation.
And you're definitely right about being who we are and not being able to change anyone but ourselves. I realize now that when we hit our first rough patch I changed to try and make everyone else happy (especially in regards to H and H's family).. be the "perfect wife" (which for me is 100% uncharacteristic.. I've always been incredibly independent and very determined about what I wanted to do/accomplish). I put everything on the back burner to support H in what he was doing. And now I find myself at a place in my life where there are things I had wanted to do/be doing/have accomplished and I havent. I dont feel that who I am or what I bring to the relationship is valued which makes it all seem so pointless. And there are things that I really want in my relationship (that I had expected to be a part of our relationship before we got married) that I don't know that I can live without. (which is likely something he feels as well)
We've been trying to talk about things. We seem to have gotten past most of the he said she said and I think both of us have a better perspective on how each other has been feeling and what each other needs. But now I'm afraid that that might ultimately determine the outcome for us. I know that there are certain things that were a part of our relationship pre-M that changed once we were married and I'm not okay without them. While he has expressed his desire to make an effort and he will seem enthused and as though the intent is there, the enthusiasm tends to fade quickly (sometimes without any action--at least that I'm aware of). I understand nothing changes over night and we both need to be putting in effort and understand each others capabilities, but to continually feel like he goes through this cycle of basically alot of talk and no follow through is discouraging (this occurs in many aspects of life with him.. alot of hobbies/career paths/etc... gets very excited, buys the equipment/materials needed, tells everyone hes going to do this, then it fizzles out generally within a few days). And now the past couple of days we're back to he doesnt think he is capable of "giving me what I need" and that he doesnt know that he wants to try to.
Its all very confusing. I'm just trying to stay calm, start doing more things to take care of myself, take it one day at a time. Sometimes I wish someone could just tell me what I'm supposed to do lol.
It makes perfect sense and I had forgotten how important that is. Just got home from the gym feeling very centered after taking the time to go enjoy a workout and saw your post. Truly perfect timing! Thanks Cadet.
