CSan00 - My story

[CS000]

Thornton, I haven't really been GAL as I have been busy packing, working full time and getting things arranged for my D 17 to move to Japan with her dad in the next month. Once I have moved into my mom's house and my D 17 is with her dad, I hope to have a bit more free time. Just feel so exhausted

[25yearsmlc]

I meant signing up for the Color Run. Also what if your SO thinks that with positive changes made that you are better off without them and reinforces that leaving was the best thing for everyone?

THIS^^ has rarely happened, IF EVER. But Even if you could make the argument that somehow it'll appear that you are better off without him, how on earth could that be so bad?

Consider that the alternative, which is you being clingy and needy and insufficient without him, is a huge turn off. That is something we KNOW to be true.

It's NOT attractive to be incomplete without someone else, to make demands of them (which is what needy people do), and or to require them for our own happiness. It also directly contradicts our basic DB tenet, which is that WE are responsible for OUR OWN happiness. Truth is, we always were. And happy people are a LOT more attractive than miserable people. That's just reality.


I know we are not to believe less than 50% of what they say but it is hard to not think about it.

You asked me to check in on your situation, and so, here I am. I have not finished your thread but wanted to address something here that I see.

You do a lot of mental backsliding. Saying "it's hard not to think about it" is obvious but it's also defeatist. So what if it's hard? IF it were easy, you wouldn't need this site. Most of us have been where you are.

Try to envision the STOP SIGN in your head when you begin to get negative. AND STOP THINKING THAT WAY.

It's not "easy" but it IS simple, in that there's nothing complicated about it. You must change the way you think. (Check out the TED TALKS on Youtube, by Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor. They are about "Fake it til you Become it" and "Positive Psychology". They are about 20 min long and VERY good.
It's crucial that you realize we CAN change how we think and we CAN change how we act and we CAN Change how we feel...WE can, without another person, we can do this. And we have to!


Your insight about how pessimistic you had become inside the marriage, is worth noting. B/c in effect, you're doing it again here every time you start spinning negatively and not taking the "exit ramp" off the highway of depression/negativity.

REPLACE the negative thoughts with positives ones OR just switch topics and activities in your life right THEN & THERE. No more worry and no more giving up commentary.

More later, as I have not finished your thread.



I went for a 2 mile walk/jog to train for the 5K. I have to get out of the house and GAL but money is tight. --

I also realize that I don't have many friends either and now with the divorce I have also become estranged from my sisters due to them unable to not being able to respect my boundaries. How to make new friends and cheap/free ideas to GAL?

Here are some GAL ideas.


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Simply put, you cannot detach without GAL. That's pretty much a fact.

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too. Nothing takes your mind off your situation better than being on stage in front of an audience.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.
Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.
Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me.
(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.


Hope this helps, and I'll keep reading up on your situation...