Ok. Went to see W's GM today and it was hard. She thought her husband who has been dead for 30 years was not only alive but left her there all on her own and was angry at him for it. My wife finally had to tell her the truth and started to cry. I came in and helped explain to her that she was confused, helped her understand. She did finally understand and was grateful we spoke with her. My wife also is having me take her to church with me tomorrow, my wife refuses to go with me since B-day. When her GM asked her why she wasn't going to, my wife said because she's "bad" but I pray for her. Her GM also asked "don't you want to go to heaven with Matt?". My wife just nervously laughed. She doesn't even want to be married to me, let alone spend eternity with me! That was hard!
Should I be doing this? Yes, I care about her GM. I have been part of her family for 20 years and all on her mothers side love me but it is HER family. I know if I asked my W to help my parents or family member I really don't think she would. It's hard having a W who doesn't wear her ring, plans on leaving in weeks, blames me for all her unhappiness and still counts on me for so much. God, this is so hard. I still care so much about my W. I hate to see her hurt like she did today but what is she going to do when she is gone and on her own? Why does she think its ok to use the fact that I care so much about her even when she tells me she doesn't want me anymore? What exactly is it that makes her think I'm not good enough to be her husband anymore when she counts on me so much?
I know there aren't answers except none of this is about me. It's about her wanting to stop hurting but for the life of me how can she think I cause her so much pain but want so much when she gives nothing in return!
...but what is she going to do when she is gone and on her own? Why does she think its ok to use the fact that I care so much about her even when she tells me she doesn't want me anymore? What exactly is it that makes her think I'm not good enough to be her husband anymore when she counts on me so much?
I know there aren't answers except none of this is about me.
You know there are no answers to these questions yet you ask them over and over. You will only stop spinning when YOU decide to stop spinning.
I believe you are wasting a lot of time asking these questions over and over.
What is your plan? What are YOU going to do?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I know MLC (a.k.a. MONSTER LIFE CRAZINESS) is crazy. The only thing for sure with it is the H/W is unpredictable. The only way I have been able to make it this far is I see my H as sick. I cannot leave because of in sickness and health. It is very hard, but try not to blame yourself - you did nothing wrong. Regardless if you had been perfect, or not in your W life - she still would have this MLC - nothing you could have done. I bought into everything was my fault until my H blamed his childhood on me. UMMMMMMMMMMMM not possible I did not meet him until late 20s.
You need to get off their rollercoaster ride and watch from the sidelines (I am still trying to do this.) I am actually finding some things that H does funny. The other day I was talking to a friend and said the only commandment left is murder - so I think I am good, there is nothing else he could do wrong, just repeat other sins. I was wrong! I caught him watching porn. I just bust up with a huge belly laugh for about 15 minutes. He came into my room to check on me. He actually got all monster because I did not get mad that he was watching porn - does that make sense?
My H has gotten so bad with the lies that he is now believing them as reality. He really lies about 90% of the time.
Hi FY. I think the reason I'm spinning so much lately is all the things happening right now that are milestones of sorts. My oldest is graduating HS in a couple weeks and her prom was last night. I always thought of how my W and would share these kind of moments. Instead she is using her grad as the marker of when she will LEAVE us. My youngest is going to HS next year and because of my W "needing" to be on her own, it will be nothing like she has always expected and saw her sister do. I want to be there for her and her family and she and her mom are asking a lot from me in helping with her grandmother which, if my marriage was anything like a marriage, I would be glad to do. But here I am trying to get my own life going, have put much on hold in the past because of my W's "problems" with anxiety/depression and I know by choosing to help it hurts my ability to detach and also will have to deal with the fall out of W's decision to end her marriage while also dealing with helping her with her family's problems. That's what spouses are for. That is part of the reason you WORK on your marriage so you have someone to help you with life's difficulties. Yet my W expects (and knows because of the kind of person I am) my help while at the same time doing something she admits is wrong and makes her like a "bad" person.
I'm spinning because as I try to detach and be more independent I'm pulled back by my thoughts of doing the "right" things, the things my values tell me I should be doing even if those things are things I'd only be doing because I'm married to this person who pushes me away in every way I want her in my life but asks for so much from me when it comes to the responsibilities that a spouse has to the other.
Also I think it's because she hasn't left yet but I know it's just a matter of time. When she acts nice and like her old self it gives me hope and I start to let my guard down and of course when I do that the monster in my W comes out, no matter how well things appeared to have been going up until then. She seems to be nicer as the day goes on but wakes up every morning so angry at me. Maybe because she has trouble sleeping and that is when she says she has all her "bad" thoughts.
You are right FY. I need to stop spinning and these things are just excuses. Just a hard time lately. Thanks.
"You asked if you should learn about depression. You asked if trying to understand is trying to fix.
Yes it is something that you should learn about. It is trying to understand but it can also be trying to fix depending on what you do with that understanding."
Yep. Remember Cadet's welcome post? It says depression is the key and it is always present. So yes, learning all you can about depression will help you. Keep in mind too that even though your wife will have times when she seems normal/happy, the depression is still there because she has not dealt with her issues. THAT is not your job to fix or help with. That's all on her.
You told FY-
" When she acts nice and like her old self it gives me hope and I start to let my guard down and of course when I do that the monster in my W comes out, no matter how well things appeared to have been going up until then."
Don't ever let your guard down. Believe none of what they say, right? Now that doesn't mean don't be friendly, kind, or compassionate. Just don't have any expectations as to how she will respond.
You also said - "I'm spinning because as I try to detach and be more independent I'm pulled back by my thoughts of doing the "right" things, the things my values tell me I should be doing even if those things are things I'd only be doing because I'm married to this person who pushes me away in every way I want her in my life but asks for so much from me when it comes to the responsibilities that a spouse has to the other."
And
"I want to be there for her and her family and she and her mom are asking a lot from me in helping with her grandmother which, if my marriage was anything like a marriage, I would be glad to do. But here I am trying to get my own life going, have put much on hold in the past because of my W's "problems" with anxiety/depression and I know by choosing to help it hurts my ability to detach and also will have to deal with the fall out of W's decision to end her marriage while also dealing with helping her with her family's problems. That's what spouses are for. That is part of the reason you WORK on your marriage so you have someone to help you with life's difficulties. Yet my W expects (and knows because of the kind of person I am) my help while at the same time doing something she admits is wrong and makes her like a "bad" person."
Maybe here's another way to think about it...
You love your wife, even with all she is currently doing. If you want to be there for her and her family, then do so. Would you do these things for a good friend if they needed you? Being a friend to your wife is probably the best gift you could give her right now. True friendship - no expectations, no conditions. Be the man you want to be regardless of what she says or does.
One other thing others have touched on... People have told you we have all been where you are. This is true. We have all heard the spew. I got our marriage was a sham, he didn't feel the same way about me, he hasn't been happy in years, he wasn't sure if he cared about me, and my favorite - he didn't even think I knew what love was.
He has since recanted most of his spew either through words or actions. But that took about two years to do.
This is the tricky part Matt - start to try to sift through the spew. Because no one is perfect, she will say things that have some truth to them. Take that in, but discard the rest. You know in your heart what is really true.
When she is spewing, it's also an opportunity to get a glimpse into what she is telling you she needs. My H said over and over again that he needed space, that he wanted to be left alone. I gave that to him.
Again, I know how hard this all is. Keep taking it one day at a time
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Hi TVS. Thank you, what you wrote and the way you put it have helped. It also helps to hear from someone who actually has had some success getting through and have seen their MLC S start to recant some of the spew. It's hard at times hearing from lbs spouses who have gone through 6 years of this only to have the MLC never come out of the tunnel at all.
Yes, I would do the same for a good friend and I need to remember this is how I need to see my W for now. One of the things that make it hard is how my W starts to seem to make progress and then she talks to her father (she did this when I was at church with her GM today) and after that she is awful and treats me with almost contempt! This man and the way he hurt her for so many years is likely the biggest cause of her pain and here she lets him do this to her! Ugh!
If I can just keep doing the right things like working on myself and being a friend to my W, maybe someday I too may hear my wife realize she was wrong. Maybe not but I need to do the work on myself either way. Thanks again, really needed to hear this today!
You are going to have good days and bad. Days where you think - I so got this! And days where you think - Why the hell am I sticking around for this crap?!?!
Someone - I think it was Cadet - gave me this visual early on... Imagine MLC like a slinky. Your wife will cycle through, time and time again, each time hopefully moving a bit closer to the end.
It takes a long time to get to the end of the slinky
Unfortunately, some never make it out.
No matter what, if you focus on you and work on you, you won't regret it.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
