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Was really struggling this past week. Maybe it's because I stopped taking my Omega-3 'Mood' supplements a few weeks ago? Anyway, when this board was down a few days ago, I almost flipped out -- I needed so much to read and not feel so alone in this mess. So, I am very glad it's back, at least for the moment. Have gotten so much inspiration from Nitty, Mighty, Atsbaby, Georgiabelle, and many others. Some of your recent posts are helping to prepare me for what's to come - mediation. So far, we have each signed the mediation agreement, but no appointment has been set up. Neither one of us has taken that step, and neither has paid the mediator the retainer fee yet.

Honestly, every time I think about sitting in a room with H and the mediator, discussing how we are going to divorce each other, I start feeling panicky, like this can't possibly be happening. He was supposed to love me forever - and he was the one who made a BIG deal a few months ago about the fact that he did not remember me EVER saying to him that I'd love him forever. This, by the way, is absolutely false. I actually found hard, physical evidence at our vacation home, on a card I had given him a few years ago (we always saved all our cards) - I had actually written in it the word 'forever.' So I took out a pen and underlined the word, and put the card back in his drawer where he is sure to find it once he starts cleaning things out and packing them up when we sell the house! So there it was in black and white.

In recent days I've gone from angry to sad to hopeful to hopeless to indifferent, and everything in between. This is SO not fun. The times I am feeling a little more 'up' are when I am driving around looking at homes that are for sale in my price range. I find I CAN afford what I want, it might just take a little time to find the right one. But, for the moment, I cannot do anything. Vacation home has to sell before I can make any move. But, keeping up to date on the current real estate market is keeping me occupied, and looking forward, not backward.

Good friends are helping me through this, as is this board. I am alone alot right now, but I feel like that is somehow an 'instruction' to keep looking inward and working on me. Keep sharing your stories everyone. You never know when you're helping someone else...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Posts: 1,249
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Originally Posted By: LiveNow
He was supposed to love me forever - and he was the one who made a BIG deal a few months ago about the fact that he did not remember me EVER saying to him that I'd love him forever. This, by the way, is absolutely false. I actually found hard, physical evidence at our vacation home, on a card I had given him a few years ago (we always saved all our cards) - I had actually written in it the word 'forever.' So I took out a pen and underlined the word, and put the card back in his drawer where he is sure to find it once he starts cleaning things out and packing them up when we sell the house! So there it was in black and white.



Hey Live. Sorry to hear it's getting into this phase of the game. It is really tough, and I would never want to go back to that. But the bright side is that I don't have to. That part is over and it is in the past. It was just a blip on the radar, and it will only be that for you, too.

The above quote- they do sure have us questioning everything, right? Don't doubt yourself! He knew you would love him forever. You didn't marry him as a temporary gig! That's silly. I think they just make this craziness up to justify themselves or they really just have these weird thoughts. My xh said something along the lines like, well it's not like we thought we'd be married forever. I was like, "I DID!" He said, "Really?!" And actually sounded shocked! This is after years of telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He even told his family that when they were trying to cause drama, and that he would never let them say things about me and that he would cut them off because I am the only person in his life who has been there for him. MLCers don't know what they are talking about during this time. Please don't rack your brain trying to make sense of it. He knew, he just decided it made more sense to think that way. Bear in mind- made more sense to a mlc mind.... so..... it doesn't really make sense, right?!

I can tell you this, from my experience. What you are going through now really is tough. Try to do everything you can to keep it in perspective. I feel for you. Remember, this is only a temporary time in your life. Whatever comes of this, it will not be like THIS forever. Even with separation and divorce, it does not mean it is over. Heck, my parents remarried after a pretty crazy and tense divorce. And they were divorced for ten years! I have never shared that here. Whoop, there it is!

Live, you can do this. Things will be very different in your life. That does not mean that it is a bad thing. My mentality has changed a lot. Yes, I am still hurt and confused. I am, however, living a life very differently than I ever thought or planned. I am not as afraid of it, I am looking forward to seeing where I am going, and I do like a lot of things in my new life. So, while you do the settlement/agreement, just be prepared with what you want. If it goes a little differently than planned, that's ok, too! Protect yourself, get what you deserve, but don't be afraid if it turns out differently than you wanted. Take the opportunity to change things for you. I hope this makes sense.

You seem to be doing a really great job, Live. It is a tough and difficult situation. It won't always be that way. It also does not mean that it is over "forever"! Take each day as it comes and make the best of it. We are here for you.

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((((hugs))))


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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LiveNow,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. It sounds like you are feeling many emotions and that's completely understandable.

Mighty's post is spot on. It's interesting. I just happened to remember that a year ago we were on a vacation as a family that "traumatized" h allegedly to the point of no return. And this year ? We are getting ready to D. If you had told me this last year I would have told you that was insane.

I've struggled like so many, to wrap my very logical brain around this. Was he really unhappy 6 months ? 1 year ? 5 years? 10 years? And I realize that it doesn't matter. Nada. While I can't imagine being married with 3 kids and fast forward 1 year be in a R (and have been for 6 months) with the "love of my life." And then I realize, that I'm grateful that I'm not THAT person. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just simply wouldn't want to be him.

LN, it's weird when your life gets turned around. I thought we were going to grow old together? Retire together ? Do x together? And then I realize I had no control over that in the first place. And I'm so shocked! How did I think I actually did???

In regards to anger, think about this. Your h will think what he thinks. I've shown restraint that I didn't think I had in regards to responding to garbage. Stbxh is now talking with high school friends (what??) in addition to new 20somethings I don't know. And who cares what these people I don't know think??? They don't know me. And while I don't encourage keeping these bottled up, sadly , releasing the anger to your h probably won't make you feel better. Kickbox. Jump rope. Punch a pillow. Let it out. However, know this. You are working hard. You are a good person becoming even better and THIS does not define you.

Hang in there! You can stick this landing:-)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 08/30/14 04:30 AM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Mighty, Ss06, and Georgiabelle -- I can't thank you enough for your posts. I am so glad other people exist that understand this madness. Mighty, I am getting so much better at reminding myself to not get so attached to a particular outcome - that is a direct result of my sitch. I've done that most of my life and all that brings is frustration, because so many things in life don't go 'our way.' Learning to just roll with it, whatever 'it' is, is becoming second-nature. This I am so grateful for.

And GB, funny you mention kick-boxing and jumping rope! I just jumped rope when I was volunteering at the YMCA last week! It felt great. Hadn't done it in many years. A little girl and I were having a contest. I got to 19 before I missed. I told her I have to dig out my jump rope at home! And the kickboxing, I am actually looking for a class right now. Have been wanting to try it, but tough to find a good one where you actually get to HIT something. I need that. I am by no means a violent person, but that just feels GOOD when so much is bottled up inside.

Said it before and I'll keep saying it -- this board is saving my life and helping me get to the next phase, one I never planned. Thank God for all of you. Prayers for all this evening...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 216
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Originally Posted By: LiveNow
Honestly, every time I think about sitting in a room with H and the mediator, discussing how we are going to divorce each other, I start feeling panicky, like this can't possibly be happening. He was supposed to love me forever - and he was the one who made a BIG deal a few months ago about the fact that he did not remember me EVER saying to him that I'd love him forever.


LiveNow, I found a card Mr. Gritty gave me in February 1981 (oh, yeah, I keep everything, too). It was a huge card, over a yard tall. He wrote on it, "I'll love you and I ALWAYS WILL!"

When I remember stuff like this I fall apart and because of that I am so far getting an F in mediation. You need to be tougher than that!

A book I read says that men see D as a business transaction and we see it as love and money and promises all wrapped up together.

So forget the broken promises... that's what I'm trying to do. It's so hard but we must do it. And face him in mediation as a strong, confident woman.

Just knowing somebody else is going through it will help me be strong so you be strong, too.

And take your omegas. I've been taking supplements recommended in "The Mood Cure" and when I ran out I noticed a huge difference in my spirits. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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Thanks Nitty. I'll be thinking of you too. Got back on the Omega 3. Seems a little better, for now.

I have been slacking off on the GAL'ing lately. Just haven't been motivated. I know I always feel better when I do, but just going out and DOING it is suddenly of less interest to me. BUT, I'm planning to attend my first Meetup this Friday, with a life-transition support group (most are recently divorced or are going through it now). It's been on my radar for several months now. Should be interesting!

More prayers for us all tonight...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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