My wife (37) and I(37) have been having marital problems for years. especially since the birth of our daughter who had acid reflux, colic as a baby and now has food allergies as a little girl (she's 6).
We've had small ups and big downs in the past 6 years(well before then too but magnified now). She asked about counseling but in my stubbornness I said "i'm not going to change, this is who i am. take it or leave it"
It got to the point to where we both said we wanted a divorce but we both wanted to be there for our daughter so we agreed to wait until later. She set up a bedroom for her in the guest bedroom and i moved my computer desk into the master bedroom. We have been living this way since Jan of 2013.
I thought life was great.
I changed to midnight shift because my daughter has food allergies and the after school program wasn't doing a good job of telling us when they were having food activities or rewards so we could make something comparable for our daughter. Our daughter hated it, I told my wife that I could go midnight shift, and she said if i could do that it would be great.
I went midnight shift in 1 year ago, initially it was hell for me but great for our daughter. She was in the car rider line with her friends, then coming home playing with the cat or with her toys instead of having to sit at a table while the bigger kids did their homework (I always arrived at the school to pick her up right about the time they were going to the playground).
due to sleeping from 8am-2pm i was constantly tired. by the time my wife got home from work i was exhausted, told her i was going to take a nap before i had to go to work. This was daily, even on off days because it's hard for me to go from sleeping during the day to sleeping at night.
Another issue was disciplining our daughter, on weekends i would sleep until 4pm or so and wake up to a chaotic household usually. My wife telling our daughter to do something, she refusing or completely ignoring her and it would escalate. They are extremely close, i also think it's because this closeness that our daughter pushes her boundaries too far. But when i would wake up almost every weekend to drama I became critical of how my wife was disciplining our daughter. I accused her of not having enough patience. Then i became the brunt of her fury which caused more arguing. I would fix myself some "breakfast"(i say "breakfast" because it was 4pm) and go back upstairs to "my room".
This has been happening for months, and i just accepted that this is the way it was going to be until our daughter got older and we divorced. Little did i know that that my wife was completely withdrawing from any relationship we had.
March 21, 2014. Wife texts me saying she needs to talk. We later talk on the phone and says we need to go out somewhere after I drop my daughter off at a prior arranged activity. We go out to dinner, and I have a feeling what's coming. a few minutes pass and she says "i'm going to go ahead and file". I assume she means divorce but i ask her just to make sure. I'm ok with it at first, no more nagging, complaining about how i don't take care of myself, how messy my room is etc. As expected get teary eyed but no outright crying. I agree to her wishes of uncontested divorce with joint custody.
A couple of days go by and I absolutely lose it while i'm sitting at home on one of my off days. My wife runs in my room asking what's wrong? Is it your grandmother? (she isn't doing well) I have no idea how long it took me to get my words out but I eventually did. I told her "i dont want a divorce. I realize i'm still in love with you"
She is shocked, she starts crying. Telling me that she has already grieved and let go and i'm making her go through it all over again. I tell her i'm sorry but this was a wake up call for me. We both get defensive when we argue. She says we shouldn't put katie through the court system and uncontested would let us come up with our own visitation plan. the last thing that is said is "So you're going to contest it?" And i say "I guess I am if your adamant about filing without even trying to make this work". She says "Are you sure?" and I said "Let me sleep on it, i'll let you know in the morning.
Afraid i would oversleep (she leaves at 730am) i sent her a text at 430am saying I agree to uncontested. since per her draft I would still pick her up after school everyday and get every other weekend.
When she got home the next day our daughter was upstairs playing. I ask her "would you give counseling a try? I get counseling through the Employee Assistance Program at work and it's free so no harm right?
She has agreed to 3 sessions with a counselor, if there is any improvement then we will not sign the divorce papers.
Even before reading your book I knew some of the things i needed to do. #1 is stop going to bed when she gets home. She feels like a single parent she said to me. #2 is helping around the house more. I haven't been doing any household chores because according to my reasoning if i'm not messing it up then it's not mine to clean up. #3 is the biggest, backing her up when she's disciplining our daughter. I've been doing these for about a week.
Although the divorce is still proceeding I've noticed a difference in her demeanor with me. She isn't repulsed by the idea of being near me. We have conversations that don't turn in to arguments. She asks if i'd like anything for dinner (usually eat at 9pm on the way to work).
I have even noticed a change in our daughter. She has been smiling and saying 'watch me dance daddy'(she takes ballet). She has always been a happy girl, but i can see a difference.
I had an appointment with my attorney today to go over the papers(she was offended that i got my own attorney, she says that she isn't trying to cheat me out of anything). The attorney recommended some changes and we just go through going over them, some we agreed to implement, some we didn't.
It's hard realizing the two loves of my life are merely feet away from me (yes we're still living in the same house) but this could all change in a month. She says she doesn't understand why i'm upset. "the only time you're losing is dinner, bath and bedtime." But I cuddled with her while my wife was in the shower. I cherish that time, she so innocent and sweet, there's no drama about her not getting candy or any extra time on the computer.
I'm applying the "last resort technique" because now i have less than 30 days to at least show her i'm sincere in my changes and give her hope for our future together. I hate that it took such a big step for me to realize i'm still in love. I just hope it's not too late.
Me 38 Her 38 Daughter 7 Married 11 Together 16 BD 3/21/14 Moved out 3/8/15 D final 3/11/15
the last thing that is said is "So you're going to contest it?" And i say "I guess I am if your adamant about filing without even trying to make this work". She says "Are you sure?" and I said "Let me sleep on it, i'll let you know in the morning.
First let me explain this to you because it sounds like you misunderstand- assuming you're in the US, you cannot contest a divorce, only the settlement details. It only takes one spouse to get a D in the US. So if you fight it, you will not stop it. You might be able to slow it down a little, but it will happen if your W wants it to. So in my opinion your best bet is to settle amicably between the two of you and just use a L to assist with the paperwork. This results in the smallest legal costs and the least amount of friction between the spouses as well as the child/ children.
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I ask her "would you give counseling a try? I get counseling through the Employee Assistance Program at work and it's free so no harm right?
It can and probably will harm your sitch. I have not heard of a single case of MC helping bring back a WAS. Use your money for a DB coach. Here's the thing with MC, your W is done with you and the M, so if she goes she will strictly use it to justify her position. MC can actually push a WAS into S or D more quickly. It is pressure at a time they want no pressure.
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Although the divorce is still proceeding I've noticed a difference in her demeanor with me. She isn't repulsed by the idea of being near me. We have conversations that don't turn in to arguments.
Unfortunately it is not because things are getting better, it's because she is relieved that it will be "over" soon. I'm not trying to take your hope away, just trying to get you to have a more realistic long-term view of your sitch.
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I'm applying the "last resort technique" because now i have less than 30 days to at least show her i'm sincere in my changes and give her hope for our future together.
The last resort isn't for her, it's for you. It just helps you detach.
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I just hope it's not too late.
Hard to say at this point, but understand that this is a marathon, not a sprint. It'll be months and probably years before she might start seeing a R with you as a positive thing. Give her time and space. Work on yourself.
It can and probably will harm your sitch. I have not heard of a single case of MC helping bring back a WAS. Use your money for a DB coach. Here's the thing with MC, your W is done with you and the M, so if she goes she will strictly use it to justify her position. MC can actually push a WAS into S or D more quickly. It is pressure at a time they want no pressure.
it did hurt. I didnt' see this reply because i had a duplicate thread but we did end up going to counseling. 1st session he said he can see we care. There is deep emotion between us it's just we've lost the connection somehow. Said we can make it work. 2nd session at the end he says I need to let her go. So yeah that sucked.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Unfortunately it is not because things are getting better, it's because she is relieved that it will be "over" soon. I'm not trying to take your hope away, just trying to get you to have a more realistic long-term view of your sitch.
i'm seeing this is more likely every day.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
The last resort isn't for her, it's for you. It just helps you detach. Oh ok gotcha. [quote=AnotherStander]
Hard to say at this point, but understand that this is a marathon, not a sprint. It'll be months and probably years before she might start seeing a R with you as a positive thing. Give her time and space. Work on yourself.
months or years we will be divorced. She wants this over quickly. Why, the rush I'm not sure. She's adamant there is no one else. Dr. confirms early menopause so maybe tat has something to do with it. Will she want a relationship with me months or years from now? I hope so, if i haven't' moved on myself. But right now I honestly can't see myself loving someone the way i love her.
Thanks for you reply
Me 38 Her 38 Daughter 7 Married 11 Together 16 BD 3/21/14 Moved out 3/8/15 D final 3/11/15
