I am pretty sure she is having an MLC. What now?

[nyk]

Thanks Eric and AJ. I already spoke with some friends in town to make plans for atv rides. My twins are excited about fishing at the new place and getting back to work on projects in the garage. All three sons are happy Dad will be closer to them and able to be with them 50% of the time.
I still miss what W and I had, but I also know all I can do now is work on PMA and detachment.

[nyk]

So today (Easter Sunday) is also my parent's 40th anniversary. I called to wish them a Happy Easter and Anniversary and they were too concerned about me to talk about themselves.

They have had some rocky times and I remember thinking "They are going to divorce someday. Mom can only take so much." Then something weird happened.

When I stopped associating with them my Mother had a real hard time. I tried to patch things up, but my W and my family could not get along. I chose to take sides with my W. This pushed my Mom into a deep depression. My Dad, who formerly was an angry and stubborn man, became sensitive and helped my Mom through one of the toughest times in her life.

They both told me today they know I am a good person and are surprised by our separation. I acknowledged to them that I will have a loving relationship again, with current W or someone else. Just saying it makes me think I am starting to detach...

[AJM]

Life has a lot of twists and turns, nyk. Glad you have a good relationship with your parents and a good attitude toward your life. Hang on to that!

For what it's worth, breaking free from the parents can be difficult - for both sides. It tends to work out though; kids don't go too far for too long, ya know? But we all go through that, to some degree. We have to else we'd end up living with our parents for the rest of our lives

Happy Easter and Happy Anniversary to your parents.

AJ

[nyk]

I think I am starting to get a grip on what I need to do.
I beleive it is important for me to be her friend right now, as when we separated I lost more than a wife. We had a pretty good (not perfect) relationship. We did things together and enjoyed each other's presence.
We made a family together. We took interest in each other's hobbies.
I even expected her to have some sort of crisis after her dad passed. I told myself five years ago "I wouldn't be surprised if she had an affair or something" but I thought that passed. The losing weight, piercings, motorcycles, bizarre (childish) behavior were all things I understood and though would pass. I may not have taken them seriously enough...but I know it is not my place or job to diagnose or push her to get help. If I mentioned it I know she would have gotten mad at me.
She is in counseling now and I hope she finds what she is looking for.
I am working on my relationship with the kids and living on my own. I don't think I would be able to constructively work on a relationship with her in her current state.
I plan to live my own life and see what happens.
I continue to read and get counseling to learn my mistakes for the next relationship...understand my panic and my reactions when my lizard brain is active.

[nyk]

What a week...on the day of the move W sends me a copy of a separation agreement draft.

Apparently she has been sitting on this for awhile and chose to send it on moving day...Tjust a draft written by a lawyer that was garbage. I will be going through it next week and making a list of concerns.

Then I get to the apartment and realized the previous tenant was a smoker...film on everything but no smell. I didn't catch that when I looked at the place. Just seemed like it needed to be cleaned up as it was empty for awhile. Spent the weekend cleaning.

The kids get off the bus here tuesday so I need to get back to cleaning....

[nyk]

Also talked to BIL (W's sister's husband) and he confirmed W has changed...called her crazy at one point...I told him I am not avoiding them, just giving space. They invited me to their camp this summer and I may go, not sure yet.

[nyk]

I have a question:

I spoke to my W about wanting our children to see my parents. I simply stated "I want the kids to see my parents.I understand your concerns and will pay close attention to their interactions to avoid problems you are worried about." Her reaction was "OK" and "I have no control over this anymore..."

Did I push too hard?

Also, when she asked me what my parents thought of us/her now I replied "Sad. They are just sad for us."

Did I offer too much?

Thanks,
Nyk...

[LiveNow]

Sounds like you did fine on both responses. Keeping it 'neutral' can be tricky...

[nyk]

Thanks LN. I am still trying to start over in my new apartment. The boys and I plan to paint their bedroom and I have three brand new beds to put in there. It isn't home for them quite yet, but they seem to be more comfortable calling our old home "mom's place" and the apartment "dad's place"
I just hate this so much for them...but I also know this is what is best for now.